Hillarious Come in and Njoy this Festival.Best Jokes(PART 2)

[solksjaer15]

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.

[solksjaer15]

Nervous Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardlyspeak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[solksjaer15]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry."

Crying, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout
and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at
least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[solksjaer15]

Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know, I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

[solksjaer15]

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

Surprised, the pharmacist asks, "Madam, what do you want with arsenic?"

The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband.

Horrified, the pharmacist says, "Madam, I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The woman reaches into her handbag, takes out a photograph and lays it down on the counter. The photo shows a man and a woman in a sexually compromising position. The man is her husband. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the woman in the photograph.

The pharmacist picks up the photo and nods, "Ah, madam, I didn't realise you had a prescription."

[solksjaer15]

Three former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk."You need to use big people words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said.

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!"

She then asked Eddie what he had done.

"I read a book" he replied.

"That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie The Shit!"

[solksjaer15]

Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
TO HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY IS BLEEDING
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!

[solksjaer15]

Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently
leaving a lake well known for its Walleye. He had two buckets of
fish. As it was during the spawning season, the game warden
asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" the warden replied.

"Ya sure, you betcha." answered Ole. "Every night I take dese
fish here down to da lake and let dem svim around for a while.
Den I vhistle and dey yump back into deir buckets and I take dem
home."

"That's a bunch of hooey. Fish can't do that." said the game
warden.

Ole looked at the game warden with an expression of great hurt,
and then said, "Yumpin Yimminy! Vell den, I'll just show you den.
It really does vork, don'tcha know?"

"O.K. I've got to see this!" The game warden was really curious
now. So Ole poured the fish into the lake and stood waiting.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to Ole and said,
"Well?"

"Vell what?" responded Ole..

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?" asked Ole.

"The fish!"

"What fish?"

[solksjaer15]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

[solksjaer15]

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"

The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."

About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"

Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."

Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."