jokes time buddies(part 5)

[ftvfatboy]

I bet you were drinking

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[ftvfatboy]

Fat Yo Mamas

Yo Mama so Fat..

her nickname is "DAMN"
she eats Wheat Thicks.
people jog around her for exercise.
she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
when she sits in the classroom, she sits beside everybody.
she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new world.
she put on a red tee shirt and all the little kids said "Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid".
they wrote a book about her, It was called Moby Dick.
she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy.
she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
she got to iron her pants on the driveway
she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"
when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
she fell in love and broke it.
when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
she's got her own area code!
she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's good side!
she wakes up in sections!
when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.
when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
she got more chins than a Chinese phone book!
that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
she's on both sides of the family!
everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
even her clothes have stretch marks!
she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!
she got hit by a parked car!
they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
she has a run in her blue-jeans!
they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
she has to buy two airline tickets.
she influences the tides.
that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
the animals at the zoo feed her.
she was baptized at Marine World.
when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
she stands in two time zones.
sets off car alarms when she runs.
she cant reach her back pocket.
when she wears a Malcomn X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!
we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship
she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth
to her "light food" means under 4 Tons
The Himalayas are practices runs to prepare for her
she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!
she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get off!
she was zoned for commercial development
she won "Miss Bessie the Cow 94"
she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans
Yo mama so fat . . . she's fat!
God can't lift her spirits!
she played Free Willy's stunt double.
when she falls in the Grand Canyon, she gets stuck.
I saw her on top of the Empire State building snatching at airplanes.
she got an actual size tattoo of the projects on her butt.
that when she drives on the interstate, she has to stop at the weigh station.
when she jumps off the high dive she shows up on radar.
uses a freeway for a slip and slide.
her belt size is equator.
that people wish to buy food 100% "Yo Mama Free"
they won't allow her on most bridges.

[ftvfatboy]

Stupid Yo Mamas

Yo Mama so Stupid..

it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
she got a peep hole in a glass door.
you asked what's for dinner, she put her feet on the table and said corn!
she went to the drug store and asked for marijuana
she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read
she thought an aspiration was butt sweat.
that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
she looks at a can of juice for days 'cause it says concentrate
she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company
she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
you have to dig for her IQ!
she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
she tripped over a cordless phone and got ran over by a parked car!
she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
she took a cup to see Juice.
she sold the car for gas money.
she ran into an automatic sliding door.
she tried to drown a fish.
she asked you "What is the number for 911"
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."
she got stabbed in a shoot out.
she stole free bread.
she took a spoon to the superbowl.
she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
she thought an elevator was a mobile home.
she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
she jumped out the window and went up.
she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.
she thought gangrene was another golf course
she couldn't read an audio book.
it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
she thought the Nazis were saying "Hi! Hitler"
it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.
She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so she went home.
she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said levi's
that she sold potato chips on the corner and said free lays.
she thought Forrest Gump was a national park.
when she walked into Walgreens her dumb ass said, "These walls ain't green!!"
she tried to commit suicide by jumping in front of a parked car.
she thought Manual Labor was the president of Mexico.
she put a quarter in a parking meter and she yelled "were's my gumball."
that when she looked in the mirror, she said stop copying me!
she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.
she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all the W's.
she brought toilet paper to a crap game.
she asked for a price check at the $.99 store
she waited four hours for a 24 hour store to open.
she walked into an antique store and said what's new!
she locked herself in the bathroom and peed her pants.

[ftvfatboy]

Ugly Yo Mamas

Yo Mama so Ugly..

she went into an hunted house and came out with an application

when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

even Freddy Krueger has nightmares of her.

they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck

when a cop asked for her drivers license he arrested her for carrying a concealed weapon.

she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

that she scared the shit out of the toilet.

she went to get her nose pierced & got stabbed in the ass!

when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras

her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

she made an onion cry.

when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote!

she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

she looks out the window and gets arrested!

even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!

for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

she turned Medusa to stone!

The NHL banned her for life

people go as her for Halloween.

that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

she scares the roaches away.

I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

[ftvfatboy]

Misc Yo Mamas

Yo Mama so..

old, I told her to act her own age, and she died.

poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked
her what she was doing, she said "Moving."

nasty, her hairy armpits look like she's got
Buckwheat in a headlock.

ugly, when she puts her face next to the bowl trying to
hear snap-crackle-pop, all she heard was "ARGHHHHHHHH!!!
Let's get the hell outta here."

old, she co-wrote one of the ten commandments.

poor, they put her picture on food stamps.

old, she owes Jesus Christ a quarter.

old, her social security number is 1.

poor, she can't even pay attention.

poor, she went to Kentucky Fried Chicken and
licked everyone else's fingers.

old, she knew Burger King When he was a prince.

old, she's got Jesus' beeper number.

glasses are so thick, when she looks at a map,
she can see people waving at her

ugly, cockroaches go like this "HI! MOM"

poor, when she heard about "Last Supper," she
thought she ran out of food stamps

old, she planted the first tree at Central Park

old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp

ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so
that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

old, that when she was in school there was no history class.

old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

poor, when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"

poor, she ate cereal with a fork to save milk.

hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her!

skinny, she turned sideways and dissapeared.

poor, she went to McDonald's and had to put
her french fries on lay-a-way.

old, she knew Captain Crunch when he was a private

nearsighted, she can see the future

old, her birth certificate says "Expired" on it.

old, she was Bob Dole's baby sitter.

[ftvfatboy]

Definitely

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definitely in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her. She said: the sky is definitely blue! I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else? Timmy raised his hand and said: the grass is definitely green. I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else? Little Johnny raises his hand and says: Teacher do farts have lumps? The teacher says,no why? Jonny says: Than I definitely Shit my pants!

[ftvfatboy]

You'd be ten

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you would let me go piss, you'd be a ten!!!"

[ftvfatboy]

Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f**k**g beautiful!'"

[ftvfatboy]

Where is jesus

OA Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

[ftvfatboy]

Blonde Joke # ?


A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches? " asks the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo...I've got Windows!"