A Piece of String

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A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at the piece of string and says, 'We don't serve pieces of string here!' With that, the piece of string walks outside, ties itself up in a knot and frayes its ends. The piece of string then walks back into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender takes a long look at the piece of string and then asks, 'Aren't you the same piece of string that walked in here a while ago?' The string proudly says, 'NO. I'm a frayed knot.

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A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over,"Hey I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts they're complimentary."

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Dr. Oleander Fern, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, population was declining at an alarming rate. Fern finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Dr. Myra Cantha looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Myra brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean?" said Fern. Yes, said Myra. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"

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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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A medical doctor moonlighted as a theatre critic. When he published a critical review of a production of Madame Butterfly, the director of the show charged with "opera rating without a license."

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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! ! You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" No, she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."

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A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: 'I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?'

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Did you hear about the optometrist who feel into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?