My Jokes!!!

[liddy.bizhat.com]

Big Pause

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,

""I'll have a gin...............................and tonic.""

The bartender asks, ""What's with the big pause?""

The bear says, ""I dunno, I've always had them.""

[liddy.bizhat.com]

A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing.

One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to
prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and "Take with
water."

At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.

Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of
them onto his chemistry textbook.

It read: "Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

[liddy.bizhat.com]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I am in here to get my tonsils out, and I am a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It's a breeze. The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A Circumcision."

And the second kid says, "WHOA, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born, couldn't walk for a year."

[liddy.bizhat.com]

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.

When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional
service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate
route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his
pants legs to keep his trousers dry.

When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the
sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was
starting. ""Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.""

""Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind,"" the groom responded. ""I think
I would prefer the traditional service.""

[liddy.bizhat.com]

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then
bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover
behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives
me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't
open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic
and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever
be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that news gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me
with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

[liddy.bizhat.com]

* Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

* I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes
over time.

* Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

* I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to
TV evangelists.

* I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday
School class.

* Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor
better, so he can live like we do.

* I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

* Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

[liddy.bizhat.com]

1. If I like it, it's mine

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine

9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine

10. If I .............! ooops, WAIT! I've been reading Microsoft's
Business Plan!

[liddy.bizhat.com]

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I
know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone
down and settled into bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"I don't know," answered the husband, "It was some guy who wanted to
know if the coast was clear."

[liddy.bizhat.com]

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a
magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same
font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like
your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout
and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,
rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm
and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you
leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded
into a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an
oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing
in every orifice.

and the NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart . . .

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your
temple.

[liddy.bizhat.com]

Father & Son Correspondence

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I
need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would
love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.




Dear Son:

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an

hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is
a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad