Jokes Heavan - Share Your Jokes Here.

[studiobiz]

> How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)
>
> The family picture is on HIS desk.
> Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
> The family picture is on HER desk.
> Umm, her family will come before her career.
>
>
> HIS desk is cluttered.
> He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
> HER desk is cluttered.
> She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain.
>
>
> (I think this part is especially true)
> HE is talking with his co-workers.
> He must be discussing the latest deal.
> SHE is talking with her co-workers.
> She must be gossiping.
>
>
> HE's not at his desk.
> He must be at a meeting.
> SHE's not at her desk.
> She must be in the ladies' room.
>
>
> HE's not in the office.
> He's meeting with customers.
> SHE's not in the office.
> She must be out shopping.
>
>
> HE's having lunch with the boss.
> He's on his way up.
> SHE's having lunch with the boss.
> They must be having an affair.
>
>
> The boss criticised HIM.
> He'll improve his performance.
> The boss criticised HER.
> She'll be very upset.
>
>
> HE got an unfair deal.
> Did he get angry?
> SHE got an unfair deal.
> Did she cry?
>
>
> HE's getting married.
> He'll get more settled.
> SHE's getting married.
> She'll get pregnant and leave.
>
>
> (This part is GOOD too)
> HE's having a baby.
> He'll need a raise.
> SHE's having a baby.
> She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
>
>
> HE's going on a business trip.
> It's good for his career.
> SHE's going on a business trip.
> What does her husband say?
>
>
> HE's leaving for a better job.
> He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
> SHE's leaving for a better job.
> Women are not dependable.

[studiobiz]

> An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when
> the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind -ese are you?"
>
> The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
> mean."
>
> The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese
> was
> confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled,
> "What
> kind of -ese are you...Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!?"
>
> The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
>
> A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked "What kind
> of -kee" was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what
> kind of -kee am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or
> monkee?"

[studiobiz]

> THE NAKED CARD
>
> The multi-purpose MyKad is the latest version of our perpetually
> metamorphosing IC. With an embedded smart chip, it can also store our
> medical history, driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as an
> electronic purse and even be used at the National Library. However, a
> recent experience by a holder brought to light the questionable control on
> access, potential information abuse and privacy infringement. As the
> belated debate rages on, I can foresee a likely scenario when ordering
> pizzas in the near future...
>
> Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Rumah Attap. May I have your..."
>
> Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."
>
> Operator : "Can I have your MyKad number first, Sir?"
>
> Customer: "It's eh..., hold on...... 6102049998-45-54610"
>
> Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Dhaljeet Singh and you're calling from 17
> Jalan Awan Hitam, off Jalan Ipoh. Your home number is 4094 2366, your
> office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are
> you calling from now Sir?
>
> Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
>
> Operator : "We are connected to the MyKad system Sir"
>
> Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
>
> Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
>
> Customer: "How come?"
>
> Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
> pressure
> and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
>
> Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
>
>
> Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
> Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
>
> Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the
> National Library last week Sir"
>
> Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much
> will that cost?
>
> Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is
> 99.99 Ringgit..."
>
> Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
>
> Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit car is
> over the limit and you're owing your bank 6720.55 Ringgit
> since October last year"
>
> Customer: "Mera Lund Choong..." [Translation]
> Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing
> loan Sir.
>
> Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
> some
> cash before your guy arrives"
>
> Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily
> limit on machine withdrawal today"
>
> Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How
> long is it gonna take anyway?"
>
> Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
> come
> and collect it on your motorcycle..."
>
> Customer: "Kuti!" [Translation]
>
> Operator : "According to the details in your MyKad, you own a Comel
> Scooter, ...registration number WOB 1123..."
>
> Customer: "Tera peh thenoo picheyo kush karda hunda!" [Translation]
>
> Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you
> were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"
>
> Customer: [Speechless]
>
> Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
>
> Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
> bottles of cola as advertised?"
>
> Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also
> diabetic....... "

[studiobiz]

A couple decide to go golfing to the best golf course in their state.While playing,the husband tells his wife to be very carefull as there were many houses along the golf course.But the stupid wife swings her club and it breaks one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course.so the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house.When thay reached the house the they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of peices.The found an old man sitting inhis rocking chair and greeted the couple inside.he said"i am a genie and i would like to thank u for letting me free from this bottle,and i would like to grant u 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is mine.so the husband says i want a private aircraft for myself.the wife said she would like a house in every single country.the genie says for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to have sex with the lady.the husband agrees and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex.then he asks the lady"how old is your husband"she replys"47"and the genie says"what a kid he still believes in genies"

[studiobiz]

MEN NEVER LISTEN...............

> > >>A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several
> > >>attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be
> > >>occupied.
> > >>A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and
> > >>with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
> > >>
> > >>"Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it
> > >>if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
> > >>
> > >>He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, The relief
> > >>was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the
> > >>buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified
> > >>by the letters: WW, WA, and PP and there was one red button labeled ATR.
> > >>
> > >>Who would really know if he touched them?
> > >>
> > >>He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he
> > >>pushed the WW button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his
> > >>bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, The men's restroom didn't have nice
> > >>things like this.
> > >>
> > >>Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button. Warm
> > >>Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying
> > >>his underside.
> > >>
> > >>He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and
> > >>without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
> > >>his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his
> > >>unbelievable pleasure.
> > >>
> > >>The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of
> > >>tender loving pleasure!
> > >>
> > >>He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he
> > >>pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy...
> > >>
> > >>He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.
> > >>A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
> > >>"What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I
> > >>was in the ladies restroom!"
> > >>
> > >>"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

[studiobiz]

Once upon a time , there lived a happy couple, Mr.
> > & Mrs. Ng with their 3
> > >lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Anele. The 3
> > daughters were brought up in
> > >a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20,
> > they were still virgins.
> > >
> > >Years past, and it was time to get them married.
> > So, the parents found
> > >them the most suitable 'leng chais'. They got
> > married and were preparing
> > >to set-off on their honeymoon. As 'concerned',
> > Mr.& Mrs. Ng were curious
> > >about their daughters' first-night experience. So,
> > before the daughters
> > >went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told
> > them...... "Your father
> > >& I want to know about your 1st night encounters
> > and whether you are
> > >satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to
> > raise your husbands'
> > >curiosity...you all must use a code-name to
> > describe your experiences"
> > >
> > >So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed.
> > Mr & Mrs Ng got the
> > >first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the
> > letter and found the word
> > >STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the
> > >newspaper and looked for Standard Chartered
> > advertisement. Ah! here it
> > >is!!!!, exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard
> > Chartered was...."BIG,
> > >STRONG & FRIENDLY"....Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.
> > >
> > >A week later, they got another letter. This time it
> > was from Ena. The
> > >content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took
> > the newspaper and
> > >looked for the Nescafe ad. Ah! here it is.
> > 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE
> > >LAST DROP'. Mr. & Mrs. Ng jumped in joy.
> > >
> > >Another week passed. A month passed. 2 months
> > passed. There was still no
> > >letter from Anele. The Ngs became worried. Finally,
> > the letter came. It
> > >was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng
> > managed to figure it
> > >out. The code-name was "CATHAY PACIFIC". Mr. Ng
> > rushed to the nearest
> > >store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages
> > frantically.... ah! here it
> > >is!!! Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud.
> > Before she could finish
> > >it......THUMP!!!!!!...she fell off her chair.
> > >The motto is.........." 7 TIMES A WEEK. 3 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP ".

[studiobiz]

Never translate IT terms to the Malay Language
Why Mahathir insist on using English for math and science. Because global
uses the
language as information's and / or technology language at this moment.How
danger it is if we're trying to use in Bahasa, especially in school.
see example below.
*hardware = barangkeras
*software = baranglembut
*joystick = batang gembira
*plug and play = cucuk dan main
*port = lubang
*server = pelayan
*client = pelanggan

Try translate this:
ENGLISH :
That server gives a plug and play service to the clients using either
hardware or software
joystick.The joystick goes into the port of the client."

BAHASA :
Pelayan itu memberi pelanggannya layanan cucuk dan main dengan menggunakan
batang gembira jenis keras atau lembut.Batang gembira itu dimasukkan
ke dalam lubang pelanggan."



> > > > > > Now You Know.........

[studiobiz]

Meant to be read aloud (for the full effect).

It's amazing, you will understand what 'tendjewberrymud' means by the end of the conversation.

This has been nominated for best email of 1999. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS : "Ow July den?"
G : "What??"
RS : "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry,scrambled please."
RS : "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G : "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G : "What?"
RS :"San tos. July San tos?"
G : "I don't think so"
RS : "No? Judo one toes??"
G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS : "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes?
Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G : "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
R : "We bother?"
G : "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS : "Wad?"
G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS : "Copy?"
G : "Sorry?"
RS : "Copy...tea...mill?"
G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS : "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G : "Whatever you say"
RS : "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "Oh, God. Now, what?"
RS : "Tendjewberrymud"
G : "OH, you're welcome"

[studiobiz]

A couple decide to go golfing to the best golf course in their state.While playing,the husband tells his wife to be very carefull as there were many houses along the golf course.But the stupid wife swings her club and it breaks one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course.so the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house.When thay reached the house the they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of peices.The found an old man sitting inhis rocking chair and greeted the couple inside.he said"i am a genie and i would like to thank u for letting me free from this bottle,and i would like to grant u 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is mine.so the husband says i want a private aircraft for myself.the wife said she would like a house in every single country.the genie says for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to have sex with the lady.the husband agrees and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex.then he asks the lady"how old is your husband"she replys"47"and the genie says"what a kid he still believes in genies"

[studiobiz]

>|*NaUgHtY PoEmS*|
>
>
>POEM # 1
>
>I like your style
>I like your class
>but most of all i like your ass
>
>
>POEM # 2
>
>Im a cool girl, in a cool town
>it takes a real mother f***er to put me down
>
>
>POEM # 3
>
>Kissing is a habit
>f***ing is a game
>Guys get all the pleasure
>Girls get all the pain
>The guy says i love you
>You believe its true
>But when your tummy starts to swell,
>He says 'to hell with you'
>10 minutes of pleasure
>9 months in pain
>3 days in hospital
>A baby without a name
>The baby is a *******
>The mother is a whore
>This never wouldn't have happened
>If the rubber wouldn't have torn
>
>
>POEM # 4
>
>Guys are like roses,
>Watch out for the pricks.
>
>
>POEM # 5
>
>Smoke a smoke
>Not a butt
>f*** a virgin
>Not a slut.
>
>
>POEM # 6
>
>Sex is bad
>Sex is a sin
>Sins are forgiven
>So stick it in.
>
>
>POEM # 7
>
>Holy mother, full of grace
>Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
>Bless his hair that tends to curl
>Keep him safe from all the girls
>Bless his arms that are so strong
>Keep his hands where they belong
>Bless his d***, the one i sucked
>Bless the bed, in which we f***ed
>And if my Mom happened to walk in
>Bless the shit I'd be in.
>
>
>POEM # 8
>
>Sex is when a guys communication
>enters a girls information
>to increase the population
>for a younger generation
>do you get the information...
>or do you need a demonstration
>
>
>POEM # 9
>
>Men are like public toilets
>They are either engaged or full of shit!
>
>
>POEM # 10
>
>If guys had they periods
>They would compare the size of their tampons!
>
>
>POEM # 11
>
>Mental anxiety,
>Mental breakdowns,
>Menstrual cramps,
>Menopause...
>Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!
>
>
>POEM # 12
>
>Roses are red,
>Violets are corny,
>When I think of you
>Ohh baby I get horny,
>Eat me,
>Beat me,
>Bite me,
>Blow me,
>Suck me,
>f*** me,
>Very slowly,
>if you kiss me,
>dont be sassy,
>Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!
>Poem #13
>
>Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue...
>I'm In Love But Not With You...
>When We Broke Up You Thought I Cried
>But All It Was...
>Was Another Guy,
>You Told Your Friends That I Was A Trick,
>I Told Mine That You Had A Weak d***...
>I Said I Loved You
>And You Thought It Was True,
>But Guess What Baby?!
>You Got Played Too!!
>
>
>Poem #14
>
>Guys are like parking spots...
>the good ones are always taken...
>and the ones that are available,
>are either handicapped or too far away!! *Darny*
>
>Poem 15
>
>Life is like a d***...
>When it gets hard f*** it!!!