Drinking jokes

[soultan.m]

BEST JOKES POSTER AMONG NON-MODS:soultan.m
-AWARDED BY FTVFATBOY

The Drinker's Alphabet

Alcohol
The key to surviving college
Beer
The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
Class
What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
Dancing
A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
Emergency
The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
Fucked Up
Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
Games
Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers
Hang-over
Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
Idiot
The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party
Jail
Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
Kissing
What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
Lord
Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
Money
That which you no longer have due to too much partying
Not Again!
What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know
Oh shit!
What you say as you're falling down the stairs
Pee
What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Quilt
What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning-YUCK!
Reform
What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
Sex
What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
Ten
The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
Underage
Most of the drinking population in college town
Vodka
The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour
Worm
The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow
X-Ray
How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
Yourself
The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Zoned
How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking

[soultan.m]

Signs You Have A Drinking Problem


You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interferring with your drinking.
Your docter finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth!
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women].
Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.
Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
You've fallen and you can't get up.
When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack....
BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
Your name is Ted Kennedy

[soultan.m]

Liquor Warning Labels


The board of health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible perils of having a few...

Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a manure truck at 100 yards.

Warning: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an geek.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)

Warning: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

Warning: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

[soultan.m]

Ode to Alcohol


Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think,
I'm not under what they call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Pool so feelish, don't know why
Rally don't know who's me yet
The drunker I stay the longer I get
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up.

[soultan.m]

The Top 14 Rejected Slogans for Beer


Beer: Getting sorority girls knocked up for 300 years
Goes Down Cold, Comes Up Smooth!
A decent excuse for your normal clumsy self
Because You're Sober
Tastes like piss, but you'll drink it anyway
Beer: That nasty taste means it's workin'!
You have to fill your bladder with something.
Don't Make Germany Angry. You Wouldn't Like Germany When It's Angry.
We don't make the urine. We make the urine faster.
Numbing the Embarrassment of Being You
It's the thicker-chicker-picker-upper!
Easier to Spell than Whiskey
The *Other* Thin Yellowish Liquid

and the Number 1 Rejected Slogan for Beer...


Beer: It's how you got here

[soultan.m]

Drinker's Fault Finding Guide


Symptom:
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault:
Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution:
Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.



Symptom:
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault:
Glass is empty.

Solution:
Find someone who will buy you another pint.



Symptom:
Room is spinning.

Fault:
Somebody is spinning your barstool.

Solution:
Vomit on person doing the spinning.



Symptom:
Feet cold and wet.

Fault:
Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution:
Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.



Symptom:
Feet warm and wet.

Fault:
Loss of self-control.

Solution:
Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.



Symptom:
Lap cool and wet.

Fault:
Drooling on yourself.

Solution:
Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.



Symptom:
Bar blurred.

Fault:
You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution:
Find someone who will buy you another pint.



Symptom:
Bar moving.

Fault:
You are being carried out.

Solution:
Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.



Symptom:
Bar looks like a circus.

Fault:
You're at a circus.

Solution:
Go to a bar.



Symptom:
The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault:
You have fallen over backwards.

Solution:
If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.



Symptom:
Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault:
You have fallen over forwards.

Solution:
Same as for falling over backwards.



Symptom:
Everything has gone dim.

Fault:
The pub is closing.

Solution:
PANIC!

[soultan.m]

What is a Frog's Favorite Drink?


What is a Frog's Favorite Drink?
ANSWER: CROCK-A-COLA

[soultan.m]

Jar of Olives


McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after
martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a
jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks
consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said another bar patron, who was puzzled over
what McPherson had done. "What was that all about?"


"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife sent me out for a jar
of olives."

[soultan.m]

Crying in His Beer


There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking
at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.


Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to
him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all
down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on
man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I
just can't see a man crying."


"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life.
First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss,
outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I
found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do
nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab
driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole
wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed
with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when
I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up
and drink my poison ..."

[soultan.m]

Tequila


This guy walks into a bar, orders 10 shots of Cuervo. Slams all 10 in about 30 seconds. The bartender asks "Are you alright? Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy responds,
"Because I only have fifty cents."