Short Funny Jokes

Q)What is the quietest place in the world?
A)The complaint department of the parachute company.

Q)What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A)Thanks. I'll never part with it!

The wife was crying as her daughter went off to college. Her husband consoled her,
"Don't think of it as losing a daughter. Think of it as gaining both a telephone and a bathroom."

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: How many New Age gurus does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - Change must come from within.


Q) What do you do when your Kotex catches on fire?
A) Throw it on the floor and tampon it.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q) If an elephant's front legs were doing 60 miles per hour...what would the back legs be doing?
A) Hauling ass !!!!!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.

After several unsuccessful advances, the bachelor asked his blonde and alluring but standoffish date "Do you shrink from making love?"
"If I did," she sighed, "I'd be a midget."

What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque

Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.

LAPD OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"
DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating an Officer."