Jokes Heavan - Share Your Jokes Here.

[studiobiz]

Hi..
My suggestion.. Why not we just make one thread and share all jokes in one thread.
So we dont have many new thread.

I'll post all jokes i know here. And post your jokes here too.

Thank You.

[studiobiz]

A bit 18SX

After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bronx New York. Upon his arrival he set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.

On his way a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says, "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks."

The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blow job?..."

The woman is just as confused and says "What are you a comedian!" and walks off.

The priest undaunted walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats,

"Hey mister blow job 25 bucks."

The priest quickly replies "What is this blow job!?"

The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.

The priest now very curious returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly this thing he's never heard of is. The first door he sees as he enters the church is that of Mother Superior.

The priest knocks on the door and Mother Superior invites him in to take a seat.

The priest looks at Mother Superior and says "I have a question - What is a blow job?"

Mother Superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper.... "Same as on the outside.... 25 Bucks.... "

[studiobiz]

The Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

[studiobiz]

Material Safety Data Sheet


Woman, a chemical analysis.


ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: WO2
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs, but specimens known
to vary from 100lbs to 550lbs

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Exposed surfaces usually covered with some form of painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if it feels wronged and never forgets.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Many specimens yield when pressure is applied to certain points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Some specimens require vast quantities of expensive substances before behavioural changes occur.
3. known to explode without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. insoluble in liquid, but exposure to alcohol is known to have strange effects on their behavior patterns.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Many specimens found to be of ornamental value only, especially in sports cars and at functions.
2. Other specimens found to be warm and friendly and a great aid to relaxation.
(N.B. If both the above examples are found at the same location a hostile environment may soon develop).

TEST:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when caught in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed next to a superior specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly unpredictable even in very experienced hands. (Important note. Experience in handling one specimen, does not automatically qualifies you to handle the next that comes along.)
2. Possessing more than one specimen at any one time can be dangerous or even fatal.
3. Not accepting what they say at face value has been found to be detrimental to mans peace of mind.
4. Accepting what they say at face value has been found to be detrimental to mans peace of mind.

[studiobiz]

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class
and she presented each child in her class the first half of
a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the
remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were
actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise
you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first
graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.........bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ............. .looks dirty.
7. No news is.............................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .................. .Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new .............. math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .....stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ...................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .................. pigs
13. An idle mind is..........the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ...................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...........gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ......................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's .......... .....the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .....you put on to go to
bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........you
have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .............. spanked or
grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ....................... get
new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ........ see in the picture
on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ................. get out of the
way.
And the WINNER and last one is
25. Better late than ..................pregnant.

[studiobiz]

There it go.. I'll post more soon. :D

[studiobiz]

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"


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One woman called a toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this stupid thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

************************************************** *****

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

************************************************** *****

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

************************************************** *****

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

************************************************** *****

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

[studiobiz]

more dug out from my pc...enjoy..


A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

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"Marketing 101"
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.

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"The Honest Wife"
A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place.
The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

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"An Honest Mistake"
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

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"The Infant-Sized Penis"
Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old's.
He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much. However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant's, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."
She said, "Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant's!"
"It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches!"

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measurement
On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander. The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice. The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. "I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war. "Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000." Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. "Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500." Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. "I'll have measured the tip of my d*** to he end of my balls sahr!" The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!" The soldier smiles at him and says "Falkland Islands sahr!"

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JJJ
It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joe's boat sank on the same day that John's wife died.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said:" I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible." Joe replied; " Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! " THE OLD LADY FAINTED.

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Deaf sex
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"
Penis

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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

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Wife
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

[studiobiz]

Below are four (4) questions.
You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready?

GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question: You are participating in a race. You
overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you
are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second
person and you take his place, you are second!


Try not to mess up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!

Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth?
Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

[studiobiz]

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her
arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month
overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a
test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you
have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

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A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother
who
is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already
asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the
top
bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers
that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to
whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a
new
position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!



Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop
making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over
my face!*!*!*!*!