Fireman Jokes

[HPD.]

The Little Fireman


A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?"
The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks mister", says the little boy.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"


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Little Angels
A fireman and a policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning that if they had even have one bad thought their wings would fall off.
Well, everything went well for some time then one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady.
As the fireman turned to watch her pass his wings fell off.
When he bent over to pick them up the policeman's wings fell off.

[HPD.]

Q. How do you put out a fire?
A. Take away one part of the fire tetrahedron, or the chief.


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The Brain Bank

It seems there was a woman who received some bad news. Her husband had been in an automobile accident and was brain dead. The doctor told her some good news, though. They had perfected their brain transplant technique and that she was lucky there were three fresh brains in the brain bank from which to choose.
A large explosion had killed a firefighter, a captain and a chief. Having insurance, she requested the cost for each of the brains. The firefighter's brain was $10,000, the captain's brain was $50,000 and the chief was a MILLION DOLLARS! Curious, she asked why the chief's brain was so much more expensive.
The reply.... you see the chief's brain has never been used!


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Returning back to the station after a 4 alarm fire:
"Nothing new to report captain, the LOT was saved."

[HPD.]

The Hunting Trip

Three firefighter went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. Finally they came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker.
After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "That does it! I am going out to get me a deer."
Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and the chief asked, "How did you get that?"
The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck."
The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He came back a half hour later with a 6 point buck.
The chief asked, "How did you get that?" The captain then replied, I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck.
The chief not wanting to be out done said, "I'm out of here, I'm going to bag the biggest buck of the day."
He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody.
The rookie and the captain asked, "What happened to you?"
The chief replied, "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a TRAIN!


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The Volunteers
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the Chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.
The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"


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The Chief

A fire chief died and went to heaven.
When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates.
He told himself, "I am a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line."
He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in, I'm a fire chief."
The angels replied, "You'll have to wait in line like everyone else, sir."
While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white helmet that said "CHIEF." The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief was really upset now and went to talk to the angels.
He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?"
To which the angels replied, "You have it all wrong, sir. That's GOD, he just thinks he's a fire chief."

[HPD.]

Q. How can you tell when a firefighter is dead????
A. The remote control slips from his hand.


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A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. When confronted by his boss the man explained with a straight face: "You can't find a spot to park anywhere near this goofy place!"


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Dog Duty

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back, "said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."


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Is Your Daddy Home?

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?".
"Yes.", whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?", the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?".
"Yes.", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?".
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.
"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?".
"No, he's busy.", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?".
"A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

[HPD.]

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"
Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is..."


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Jumpers

A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump.
"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead.
"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with redheads....jump it's your only chance."
So the redhead jumped. On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"
The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief told the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump.
"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two friends."
"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will not happen again, just jump!"
The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump - but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground, back away, and then I'll jump into it."


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Q. Why doesn't a fire chief look out the window in the morning???
A. Because then he wouldn't have anything to do in the afternoon.


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Rescued

The fireman climbs the ladder to the bedroom of a burning house, and there he finds a curvaceous brunette, "Ah", he says, "you are the third pregnant girl I've rescued this month".
"But, I'm not pregnant!"
"You're not rescued yet!"

[HPD.]

Getting Dressed In The Dark

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Lou, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Rhoades, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"


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Nice Catch

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and yelled, "TOUCHDOWN!!"


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Blind Firemen Golfers

There were those three guys, a priest, a doctor and an engineer, and they were playing golf. But the group before them was extremely slow and at each hole they waited hours. Finally the priest asked around, why was that other group was so slow? He was told that they were very courageous firemen who saved the golf course a couple of years ago from a terrible fire, in which they all lost their sight. As a proof of appreciation they were given the right to play on the course whenever they wanted. They like that a lot, but being blind they are just not too good at hitting the ball, let alone finding it after it's hit.
The priest said, "Oh my this is terrible. Tonight I'll say a little prayer for these courageous souls."
The doctor heard that and said "Don't worry. I'll send them to a friend of mine, he's an ophtalmologist and he works wonders."
The engineer said "Wait. Why can't they just play at night?"


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A Redneck Nativity Scene

A New York fellow, while traveling through a small town in Georgia, saw a nativity scene at a local Baptist Church that was quite unique. The three wise men were wearing fireman's helmets!
He stopped at a coffee shop at the edge of town, and asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at him, "You dang Yankees never do read the Bible!"
He assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar"

[HPD.]

Q. What does CHAOS stand for?
A. The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.


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Pin Puller

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.


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Here Kitty Kitty

One evening, a resident of a small rural town called the local volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing her cat from a tree.
Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond. The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the volunteers to respond.
The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested an alternate course of action.
Two of the firefighters supported the ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at about half its height.
The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over.
One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his reach. The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.
The cat, was last seen airborne, headin' south.....


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If H 2 0 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
K 9 P


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Hazmat Identifing Method

How firefighter's identify a HAZMAT chemical using the new:

"Tri-Cop-Scope Method"

Method 1. Officer standing/Car running: Not hazardous
Method 2. Officer unconscious/Car running: Toxic fumes.
Method 3. Officer unconscious/Car stalled: Oxygen displacing chemical.
Method 4. Officer/Car both melting: Acidic chemical.
Method 5. Officer/Car on fire: Extremely flammable.


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Bikers

There were two guys on a motercycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.
Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy,"I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked.
The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened. The police asked him, "are either of them showing any life signs?"
The farmer said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."

[HPD.]

Clock Speed

A firefighter died and went to hell where he finds a wall of clocks.
After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the clocks mean?
"That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour." says the devil.
"I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere?" the fireman says.
The devil replied, "Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan."


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Why do firemen wear "red" suspenders? To hold up their pants. Duh.


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You Might Be In A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If....

Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.
You have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
Your firehouse has wheels.
You've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.
Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk.
You've ever been toned out on an outhouse fire.
That outhouse fire was with entrapment.
You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.
At least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.
Your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.
You don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.
You've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
Your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
Your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.
Your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.
Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.
The local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.
You've ever referred to a light bar as sexy.
Your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.
You've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
Your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
Your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
The only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.


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Breaking News!

There is a report that a 2 seater private plane has crashed into a cemetary in Poland. The fire department has reported recovering over 300 bodies and are still digging.


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How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change the bulb and 3 to chop a hole in the roof.


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Ghostly Tones

The Volunteer Fire Chief in a small town had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his friends and family started toward their cars.
However, they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard from the grave.
As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, "Don't worry... it's just the dispatcher toning him out."


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Why should you avoid using the bathroom after the chief? Two words: Butt pimples!!

[HPD.]

The Rabbi And The Flood

An orthodox rabbi is studying in his living room, when there is a knock on the door. When he opens the door, it is a policeman, who informs him that the rivers are rising, a flood is expected, and evacuation is recommended.
The rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger."
The policeman shrugs his shoulders and leaves.
As the rabbi is watching the rising water getting closer and closer to his house, there is a second knock, this time a State Trooper. The trooper says, "Rabbi, we are evacuating the area as the flood is getting serious and you are in jeopardy."
Again the rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger. I am staying."
Well, the water continues to rise, until the rabbi is forced to stay on the second floor. He hears some yelling and looks up to see two firemen in a rowboat right outside his second floor window.
"Rabbi!" one of the firemen calls, "Get in the boat, the rains are not letting up! It's getting serious."
"I am a man of God. He will protect me from danger. I'll stay."
The firemen, fearing for their own safety, row on.
As the flood rises, the rabbi is forced to climb out onto his roof, just as a helicopter is flying over. The helicopter drops a rope ladder and a voice calls down, "We're coming to get you, rabbi!"
"No, no.... God will protect me. You go on."
Well, needless to say, the water continues to rise and the rabbi drowns. When he gets to Heaven, he is really upset. "I must see God," says the rabbi. "Please take me to God."
He is granted an audience with God.
"Lord," says the rabbi, "after a lifetime of devotion to you, why would you forsake me in my moment of need?"
God says, "You schmuck, I sent two cops, a rowboat full of firemen, and a helicopter...."


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Barn Fire

A blonde calls this rural fire department all excited. She says, "Come quick my barns on fire, my barn's on fire." The dispatcher says, "Calm down now just tell us how to get there." She says, "Oh, don't you have that big red truck anymore?"


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Fearless Jose

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net.
He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."
The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop.
As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.


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Old Gomer

Old Gomer died in a house fire and was burned pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body so his two friends Bubba and Billy Bob went down to try and I.D. the body.
Bubba went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Bubba said "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him on over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Bubba looked at his @$$ and said "Naw, that ain't Old Gomer!"
The morticain didn't say any thing but thought that was kind of strange.
Then he brought in Billy Bob to I.D. the body and Billy Bob looked at him and said "Yep, he sure is burnt really bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Billy Bob looked down at his @$$ and said "Nope. That sure ain't Old Gomer!"
The mortician said "How can you tell?"
Billy Bob said "Well Old Gomer had two @$$holes."
"What? he had two @$$holes?" said the mortician.
"Yep, everyone in town knew he had two @$$holes. Every time the three of us went to town everyone would say "Here comes Old Gomer with them two @$$holes!"

[HPD.]

Q. A fireman had two sons. What did he name them?
A. Hosea and Hoseb


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Who Rang That Bell!!

A fire chief had just gotten married and on his honeymoon he informed his new wife that their house was going to be run like a firehouse... he said that they would have sex on the bell system.
He went on to say that one bell meant take your clothes off...
two bells meant get into bed...
and three bells meant start fooling around.
The fire chief came home from work one day and decided to try out his system.... he hollered "One Bell" and she took off her clothes.
He hollered "Two Bells" and she got into bed.
He hollered "Three Bells" and they started fooling around like crazy.
A few minutes later, SHE yells "Four Bells."
"Four Bells?" the fire chief asks, "What is four bells?"
"Let out more hose!" she yelled. "Your nowhere near the fire!"


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Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.


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A fire chief came home early one day and finds his wife relaxing in bed. All looks well till he notices a cigar in the ash tray. He becomes furious and yells, "Where did that cigar come from?"
A voice from under the bed says, "Havana!"