Jokes Heavan - Share Your Jokes Here.

[studiobiz]

ADD 1 MORE!!!

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
my c0ck would have rusted,
if it weren't for you!

another one!

if leftleg was friday,
and right was sunday,
can i cUm on saturday?

last one!

ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
if it weren't for you,
my c0ck would have rust!

[studiobiz]

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

[studiobiz]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

[studiobiz]

There was this guy that couldn't get laid because he had a 25-inch d***!
So one day he decides he's going to get
it shortened. He goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, listen, you gotta help me. No chicks'll sleep with me cause
I have a 25 inch d***!"


After a few minutes intense examination the doctor delivers the bad news. "Look man, I'm sorry but this d*** is so
damn huge I can't possibly redu! ce it. However, I CAN give you the location of a witch that lives in the woods
nearby that can help you out."


So off the guy goes into the woods and he finds the witch. "This is what I want you to do," she says. "Go a little
further into the woods and you'll come to a pond. There'll be a frog there that can talk. Everytime you ask the
frog to marry you and he says no, your d*** will decrease by five inches."

Off he goes again, into the woods until he comes across a pond and sees the frog. "Froggy," he yells, "will you
marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes and yells "NO!" The man looks at his cock and sees that it has decreased to 20
inches. Again, the man yells to the frog, "Froggy, will you marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes and goes "NO!" Now
his d*** is down to 15 inches, and he figures 10 is ideal. So once more he yells, "Froggy, will you marry me?"
The frog looks up one last time and says, "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? NO! NO! NO!"

[studiobiz]

Chee Bai
A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are you?"

"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."

"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."

"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you. Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."

The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math & Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."

The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.

"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"

The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"



Miss Singapore
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"

Miss USA: Lamp

Miss Malaysia: Light bulb

Miss Singapore: LADIO

Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lion

Miss Malaysia: Leopard

Miss Singapore: LABBIT

Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified.

Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lemon

Miss Malaysia: Lychee

Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lung (applause)

Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)

Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU

Judge: ?????????!!!!

Kung Fu
Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which promptly dropped dead in two pieces.

"That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly.

Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still flying."

"Ah yes," replied Master Koh, "but now it can never have children."



Mississippi
A bus stops and two Asian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I'm just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."




Japanese, Indonesian, & Malaysian
Once upon a time three people were stranded out at sea - A Japanese, a Malaysian and an Indonesian. The boat started leaking and if they do not act fast they would all die.

The Japanese (as usual) was the first to take the initiative. He threw all his Japanese gizmo - CD player, hi-fi, radio etc. off the boat. The Malaysian and the Indonesian looked at him in disbelief.
The Japanese said, "Don't worry.. still got a lot more in my country.. BANZAIIIEE!"

But the boat was still sinking. The Indonesian without hesitation started throwing aboard all his baju batik, kain batik, keretek, etc., etc. He comforted the other two, "Don't worry.. still have a lot more in my country, paknya".

But still the boat was sinking. The Japanese and the Indonesian looked at the Malaysian. Suddenly, without any hesitation and with stride, the Malaysian threw the Indonesian overboard. The poor guy couldn't swim and drowned. The Japanese was shocked. Said the Malaysian, "Don't worry... still got a lot more in MY country!!!".

[studiobiz]

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD.
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

[studiobiz]

The Inexperienced Chili Taster

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey. "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off."

"Apparently, the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Shelly, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300-lb. b**** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shelly saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. The heck with those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Shelly. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)

[studiobiz]

A Realistic Look At Job Descriptions


An ADULT is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is
now growing in the middle.

CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS are the only animals you eat before
they are born and after they are dead.

A COMMITTEE is a body that keeps minutes and
wastes hours.

DUST is mud with the juice squeezed out.

An EGOTIST is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

A GOSSIP is a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do
more damage.

A HANDKERCHIEF is cold storage.

INFLATION is cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

A MYTH is a female moth.

A MOSQUITO is an insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISINS are grape with a sunburn.

A SECRET is something you tell to one person at a time.

A SKELETON is a bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

A TOOTHACHE is the pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW is one of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

A YAWN is an honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES are something other people have. You have character lines.

A BANKER is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An ECONOMIST is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
.
A STATISTICIAN is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An ACTUARY is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A PROGRAMMER is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had
in a way you don't understand.

A MATHEMATICIAN is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which
isn't there.

A TOPOLOGIST is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee
cup and a doughnut.

A LAWYER is a person who write a 10,000 word document and calls it
a "brief."

A PSYCHOLOGIST is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
girl enters the room.

A PROFESSOR is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A SCHOOLTEACHER is a disillusioned woman
who used to think she liked children.

A CONSULTANT is someone who takes the watch
off your wrist and tells you the time.

A DIPLOMAT is someone who can tell you to
go to hell in such a way that you will look
forward to the trip.

[studiobiz]

Good Morning ladies and gentlemen, This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airlines. We apologize for the 4 days delay in taking off owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in the Bakery.
This is Flight 012 to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if Luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village.

Punjab Airlines has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure that I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airlines staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next of the kin. Our stewardess Bubbly will be happy to brief you on our out of court settlement.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable we serve complimentary Tea and Biscuits. For our Religious passengers we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs we will be flying right next to the Air India Aircraft so the movie will be visible from the right side of the window.

There is no smoking in this airplane. Any smoke that you see in this cabin is the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

Life jackets are positioned under the seats and free bathing costumes are available to aunties and swimming shorts to the uncles for emergency jumps. In order to catch important land marks we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If however you would like to have a closer look do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilots sometimes flies right through the landmark.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your seatbelts. For those of you who cannot find a seat belt fasten your own belt to the arm of your chair. And for those of you who cannot find a seat do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.

Sorry!! But I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cockpit. Thank you for choosing Punjab Airlines. Have a pleasant journey. " BALLE BALLE

[studiobiz]

One day a taxi driver went to Subang airport to pick up a passenger from the states. One the way to KL they pass by DAYA BUMI."Hmmmm... how long does this building needed to be built?"he ask the foreigner. "ah....three years only lah..."he answer."wat building like this one need three years ."he said.When they approach the Maybank building the tourist ask again.."how long to built this building".

By now the driver is wiser"oh only 2 years.."he said "HuH!!!.. in my country it takes only one year."the tourist inform him.When the pass by the Kl tower..he ask again"then how about this tower??" The driver said "this one is shorter....so we need only a year."Oh my god " said the american "in states it takes only 6 months".

The driver is angry now. He drove faster. When he pass by KLCC(twin tower)Again the passenger ask "wat about this skycramper here??" Squeeeeeeeek!!!. He pulled the hand brake.GEt off from the car and stare at the KLCC.

The foreigner was suprise and get off the cab The driver then said "wat the heck ..THIS BUILDING WASN'T HERE WHEN I PASS THIS ROAD AN HOUR AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"