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Things that makes you go Hmmm
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
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3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys
and apes?
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5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
the
bad girls live.
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6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
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7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with
soap?
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9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
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10. Is there another word for synonym?
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11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
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12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
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13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone
will clean them?
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16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
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17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
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19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
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20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow
road
signs?
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21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.
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23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
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24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ?
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26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
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27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
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28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
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30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
"assteroids"?
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31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
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32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he
become
disoriented?
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and to comfort her.
When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.
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TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THE MENS ROOM
EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts
SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not
CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed
TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes
back later
INDIFFERENT : If all urinals are being used, pisses in sink
CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor
WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection
FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly
or bug
ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants
CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble
TOUGH : Bangs d*** on side of urinal to dry it
PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry,
reads with other hand
EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both
DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants
DISGRUNTED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away
CONCEITED : Holds two inch d*** like a baseball bat
DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants
SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
next stall will get blamed
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Subject: 5th Grade!!!
First-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in third-grade too!" The
teacher had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal : "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry : "9"
Principal : "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry : "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets".
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide
and before he could stop the answer....)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting
down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and
before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands".
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to
get me up.
I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come
with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put this ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
-
30 ways to point out someones intelectual failings
1. The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead.
2. The cheese slid off his cracker.
3. As smart as bait.
4. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
5. The chimney's clogged.
6. The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
7. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
8. Her sewing machine is out of thread.
9.A few beers short of a six-pack
10. His antenna doesn't pick up all channels.
11. If he had another brain it would be lonely.
12. Missing a few buttons to his remote control.
13. Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
14. Reciever is off the hook.
15. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
16.Skylight leaks a little.
17. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
18.No grain in the silo.
19. A few clowns short of the circus.
20. A few fries short of a happy meal.
21. A sandwich short of a picnic.
22. One froot loop shy of a full bowl.
23. A few feathers short of the whole duck.
24. All foam, no beer.
25. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
26. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
27. A few peas short of a casserole.
28. The lights are on, but nobody's home.
29. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
30. A few bricks shy of a house.
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Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates
to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey,
Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm
gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants
now."
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you
feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the
dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay
sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of
gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now."
-
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder
going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed
the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump
and homely looking woman. "Screw me or climb the
ladder to success" she said. No contest, thought the man,
so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud
was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on
the eye.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.
"Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on. On the
next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time,
was really hot.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she
uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder,
the man thought to himself that this was getting better the
further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty.
Slim, attractive, everything he could want. "Screw me or
climb the ladder to success" she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a
gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he
reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man,
arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"
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City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her
new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa
bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the
bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said,
"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl
looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring
it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at
the cop and said,
"Next year tell Santa the d*** goes underneath the horse,
not on top."
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When i am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, i put a glass of vodka next to the glass of water. If i start to get nervous i take a sip". So the next sunday the new priest took the monsignor's advice. At the begining of the surmon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to take up a storm. When he returned to his office afterwards, he found the following note on the door.
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments not 12.
3. There are 12 deciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late JC.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, son and spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say 'he was stoned off his ass'.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as Big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body". He did not say "Eat me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".
14. Next sunday there will be a taffy - pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter - pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Apologies to hurt sensitivities if any.
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A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police
cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also
happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally
said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on
it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small
rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and
said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde
policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and
said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer
too, we could have avoided all this hassle."
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