Jokes Heavan - Share Your Jokes Here.

[studiobiz]

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening
passion for baked beans. She loved them but
unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry
she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and
gentle man, he would never go for this carrying
on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans. Some months later her car broke down on
the way home from work. Since she lived in the
country she called her husband and told him that
she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor
of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that
she would walk off any ill effects by the time she
reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew
it, she had consumed three large orders of baked
beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon
arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could
control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and
exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for
dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her
to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just
as he was about to remove the blindfold from his
wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not
to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went
to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still
affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost
unbearable, so while her husband was out of the
room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight
to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer
truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and
ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked
cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the
other room, she went on like this for another ten
minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the
end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more
times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded>
her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her
if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

[studiobiz]

Tw goats are out behind amovie studio eating old movie film. One goat says to the other, "Pretty good huh?"
The second goat says, "Yeah, but its not as good as the book."

Did you hear about the two television aerials who got married? The wedding was rubbish, but the recption was great!

Woman in crowd at a political rally where Sir Winston Churchill is speaking: "you mongrel Churchill, if you were my husband I'd put rat poison in your tea."
Churchill: "And if you were my wife, Ma'am, I'd drink it!"

I used to feel like a man trapped in a womans body, but then i was born...

This rich guy is talking to a poor guy in a bar and it comes up that both their wives have birthdays in the next week. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a roles royce and a pair of sneakers."
The poor man said, "I get the car, but whay the sneakers?"
"If she doesn't like the car she can damn well walk. " The rich man chuckled to himself. "What did you get your wife.?"
"A new set of pots and pans and a dildo."
"I get the pots and pans, but why the dildo?"
"If she doesn't like the pots and pans she can go "bad word" herself."

Inflation: When the buck doesn't stop anywhere.

Wally goes into an electrical store.
"do you have colour TV's."
"Certainly."
"Great I'll have a green one."

[studiobiz]

Joke related to US


For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and
too much pressure from my job, but now I've found out the
real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the
work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do
the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million
to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for
state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do
the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[studiobiz]

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled
across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out
popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, so you released me from
the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and
I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about
three. You only get one wish."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I
get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I
can drive over there?"

The genie laughed and replied, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the
Pacific? Think of how much concrete....how much steel you will
need. No, think of another wish."

The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He
said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have
always said I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I
could understand women. To know what they are thinking when
they give me the silent treatment, To know why they are crying,
To know what they want when they say 'nothing'...."

The genie replies, "Do you want that bridge with two lanes or
four?"

[studiobiz]

>Condom says to Kotex, "When you work, I lose seven days of business."
>Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine
>months!"
>******************
>A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: "Why do you have your
>tits on your back?"
>The camel responded: "What a silly question from someone who has a d*** on
>his face!"
>******************
>A black guy and a white girl met at a nite club. She took him to her
>apartment and said: "tie me to the bed and do what black men do best!"
>So he ran off with the TV and VCD...
>*****************
>Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"
>Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE
>every morning!"
>*******************
>A Chinese couple got married. When baby was born, her eyes were big and
>blue, hair was curly and blonde, skin was brown. Finally, name of the
>baby was SAM TING LONG ("some thing wrong")
>*******************
>A lady visited her doctor one morning.
>Doc said: "You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3
>times a day as I advised?
>Lady : "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"
>*******************
>Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....
>When the caller asked what's he doing, the maid replied:
>"MASTURBATING."(master bathing)
>*********************************

[studiobiz]

>Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
>
>One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
>suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and
>stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
>and pulled him out.
>
>When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately
>ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to
>be mentally stable. When he went to tell her the news, he said,
>"Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being
>discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of
>another patient, I think you've regained your senses".
>"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the
>bathro om with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead".
>
>Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry".

[studiobiz]

I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.
Now I ride on escalators all the time.

=======================================

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more
frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about
ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided
to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as
usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned he
crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her
husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair
arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear."

[studiobiz]

O Level Hokkien Exam --

GCE 'O' levels Hokkien Exam
Testing of your Hokkien skills!! Just got this from my Ah Beng and Ah
Lian friends in Southpoint and I can't stop laughing


Instructions:

1. Read the passage carefully
2. Grade yourself with the grading system at the end of the passage
after reading.
3. Not that difficult, chin chai do lah


Section A : Orrler Exeminetion (60 marks)

Singalella why become rich.
Koo zhar wu chee ay char bor kia, Singalella. She got two sisters,
but the stepmarder hor, and the sisters hor, all damn kuai-lan, so she
quite zhia-lat oso. Last time Singalella got own maid, but now she become
the amah. Everyday must cooklah, cleanlah, rublah, massagelah, blow
also simi sai mah pao-kah-liao. If her sister say liak kar zhuak, she
liak. Tak jit zho kah tau-hin. CPF poon boh. Then no new shares oso No
money to contribute S$50 ..cannot go out to bank also. But then, kay piak
eh ah-pek got one son call Ah Ming got party. So he say, "oeh, long
chong kee ah." Singalella very happy because she never go party before
but then her marder say, 'Lee Mana eh-sai kee, this one bahru your
sisters wu standard. Then Singalella must zho sui-sui for her sisters and
marder. Tap pai how, buay zhia, buay koon and buay pang-sai. That
night she only can wave bye bye and then she go back to the kitchen and
cook Maggimee. Her neighbour came over and ask, 'Eh, an-zhua boh kee
party?'


So

Singaalella kong, 'I-wan, lau bu kong buay-sai, so boh pian.' She
never expect but the neighbour say, 'Aiyah, keelah, I give you
money.' So singalella brush teef and zhang-zhui, chen-kor, after that look
very different. She quickly run to opposite of the beh-chia-lor, already
11 o'clock at night olredi. At the party, Ah Ming also quite shien
because the char bor all buay sui one. Dance floor even got one ah pek
dancing. Just as Ah Ming told himself,'Aiyah see-pay zhia-lat' Singalella
came in. Ah Ming straight away lau nuar.'Wah-lau eh, see-pay heng ah,
chee kor buay pai.' Ah Ming say to Singalella, 'eh, sui eh, wah ai kah
lee zho flen!' Singalella say Ok but Ah Ming like octopus, touch here
touch there. ut then just it was 12 'clock one ah pek die on the dance
floor. He become ghost and tell Singalella all the good 4D number So after
that Singalella quickly go and buy 4D, and then tiok tau-pio, zhit-pak
ban. So she pay back the kay-piak eh lau-kay-poh and then kah kee cho
sen-lee. Simi kuan eh sen-lee wah mana eh zhai.



GRADES: Gauge Your command of Hokkien

A1. Can understand the story and pronounce Hokkien correctly:
Hokkien eh sai, bo beh zhao.
A2. Can understand half story and/or cannot pronounce Hokkien
properly- zhia lat
E8. Don't understand story and/or catch no ball ? leow leow, mai ka
lang kong you is Hokkien Singabolean
F9. Don't understand rating - kee see lah, wah mana eh zhai lee
kong simi? Ah see lee bah lu gia A2, mian kee gia ritten exemanation.

[studiobiz]

Girlfriend

Eighteen months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years
without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only
solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut
3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many
bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried
to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time,
only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage
to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to
Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus
and Cleanhouse2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and
costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary,
Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0
needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which
needs to be reinstalled every other week.


Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the
new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches
itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called
Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted
me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling
itself.

[studiobiz]

This is a story of a Red Indian couple who just
got married. After six months, the wife has not
conceived. So the couple went to seek the help
of the Red 'Chief' who is also the tribe's
medicine man.

Indian said to the chief: "Many moons come, many
moons go; I come, baby no come, how come?"

Chief to Indian: "Young man, go to the ninth
mountain over there and come back after nine
months".

After nine months the Indian came back to the
village. He went to his tepee and saw his wife
carrying a baby. At once he pulled the wife to
see the Chief.

He said to the Chief: " Many moons come, many
moons go, I no come, baby come, how come?"

The Chief turned to the wife for an answer.
The wife said: "Many moons come, many moons go,
you no come, many men come".