Jokes Heavan - Share Your Jokes Here.

[studiobiz]

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!
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A mother had 3 virgin daughters.TheyWere all getting married within a short time peroid.Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started,she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon wuth a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.The card said nothing but "NESCAFE".Mom puzzeld at first,but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.It said:"Good till the last drop".Mom blushed,but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,and the card read:"Benson & Hedges".Mom now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes,and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra long,King size".She was again slighty embarrassed,but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean,Mom waited for a week,nothing.Another week went by,and still,nothing.Then,after a whole month,a card finally arrived.Writen on it,in shaky handwriting,were the words:"British Airways".Mom took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine,flipped through the pages,fearing the worst,and finally found the ed for the airline.The ad said:"Three times a day,seven days a week,both ways."Mom fainted

[studiobiz]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river.
When he cried out, an angel appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed it to make his living.
The angel went down into the water and reappeared with
a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the angel asked. "No." The woodcutter replied.
The angel again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" he asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The angel again went down and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the angel asked.
"Yes." The woodcutter answered.
The angel was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the angel again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!"
So the angel went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the he asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The angel was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied,
"Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story and we're sticking with it!

[studiobiz]

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a
remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had
registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting
concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He
knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside
answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not
throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit
out of my ducks!"

[studiobiz]

An Italian, an Irish man and a Chinese man all get jobs at a
construction site. The boss of the site walks up to the three
men, points at a pile of sand behind him and then pointing at
the Italian says "You're in charge of sweeping". He then points
to the Irish man and says "You're in charge of digging". Finally
he points to the Chinese man and says "You're in charge of
supplies." He carries on speaking "I'm going to be gone for a
while and when I come back I expect to at least see you guys
have made a dent in that pile".

The boss comes back two hours later to find the pile of sand
untouched, and the Italian and Irish man standing by. He walks
up to them and shouts "what the hell have you been doing for
the last two hours, and where's the Chinese man?" The Italian
tells him "you put us two in charge of sweeping and digging, but
we don't have a broom or a spade. You put the Chinese man
in charge of supplies, but he's disappeared." The boss looks
round and searches for the strange Orient. Suddenly when the
boss approaches the pile of sand, the Chinese man jumps from
behind the sand and yells "Supplies!"

[studiobiz]

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice
place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I
come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At
MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and
MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I
come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this
place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a
drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come
from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's,
they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink,
they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the
back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually
happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

[studiobiz]

An Interesting Debate

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem
science has with Krishna. He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Professor: You are a Hare Krishna devotee, aren't you, son?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to Krishna to heal him.
Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But Krishna didn'! t.
How is this Krishna good then? Hmm?

(The student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is
God good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God...
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything.
Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?

(The student does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these
terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?


(The student has no answer.)
Prof: Tell me, son. Do you believe in Krishna?
Student: Yes, professor, I do.
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe
the world around you. Have you ever seen Krishna?
Student : No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your Krishna?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Have you ever felt your Krishna, tasted your Krishna, smelt
your Krishna? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Krishna or
God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol,
science says your Krishna doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.


(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat,
mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have
anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no
heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing
as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat.
We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir,
just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of
something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light,
flashing light.....But if you have no light constantly, you have
nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't.
If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Prof: So what ! is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue
there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You
are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure.
Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and
magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact
that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the
opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do
you teach tour students that they evolved from a monkey?
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes,
of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize
where the argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at
work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going
endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a
scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the
Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student: Is there anyone here who! has ever heard the Professor's
brain, felt it, touched or smelt it?.....No one appears to have done
so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable,
demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With
all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face
unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir.. The link between man & god is FAITH.
That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

[studiobiz]

One day I gonna to Malta to a big hotel, in the morning I go down to eat a breakfast. I tell the waitress that I want two pieces of toast .she brings me only one piece. I tell her "I wanna two pieces". She say "Go to the toilet". I say "you don't understand, I wanna two pieces on my plate". She say to me: "you better not piss on the plate, you
sonnawab****". I do not even know this lady and she call me a sonnawab****!!

Later I go to eat at a bigger restaurant. The waiter brings me a Spoon and a knief but no fork. I tell her "I wanna a fock." and she tella me ,"everyone wanna f***." I tella her, " you don't understand me...I wanna fork on the table." She say, "You better not f*** on the table you sonnawab****."

So I go back to my room in my hotel and there is no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him "I wanna a sheet." he tell me to go the toilet. I say "you don't understand I wanna a sheet on my bed." He say, "You better not shit on the bed, you sonnawab****."

I go to the Check out and the man at the desk said,"Peace on you." and I say," Piss on you too, you sonnawabicth." I gonna back to Italy!

[studiobiz]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
.... with Beer

[studiobiz]

Joke: Electric Company
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A young husband comes home one night and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling I have great news: I'm a month overdue I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure we can't tell anybody"

The next day a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know? stammers the young woman"

"Well, maam, it's in our files! says the man from the electric company"

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely"

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight"

That night, she tells her husband about the visit and he, mad as a bull rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?"

"What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts

"Just calm down says the clerk it's nothing serious All you have to do is pay us"

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case sir we'd have no option but to cut yours off "

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks

"I don't know I guess she'd have to use a candle"

[studiobiz]

Man Schooling:

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating
marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six
mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program
outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at 2AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Passing Gas Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her