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Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.
At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding!"
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This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh.
He had seen weirder, so he didn't think too much about it.
Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh.
After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn't help asking her, "Why the turkey and Santa?"
She replied, "I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
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A teenage girl arriving home from school asks her mother,Is it true what the teacher told us today?"
Whats that? the mother replied.
That babies come from the same place that boys put their penises, the daughter said.
Yes it is dear, mother said, glad that the subject had finally come up at school.
But when I have a baby, the girl responded, Wont it knock my teeth out?
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A captain in the foreign legion is transferred to a desert outpost where he notices an old, seedy looking camel at the back of the barracks.
He asks his sergeant what it is for.
"Well, sir, we're a fair distance from anywhere and the men have natural sexual urges. When they do, they use the camel."
"Gosh," says the captain, "Well if it's good for morale, it's fine by me."
The captain soon becomes frustrated himself and finally tells the sergeant to bring him the camel.
The sergeant shrugs his shoulders and brings the camel to the captain's quarters.
The captain gets a foot stool and begins to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he steps down, satisfied, he asks the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replies, "Well no, sir, usually they just ride the camel to the nearest brothel."
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A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"
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A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again.
She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive myself."
While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.
He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?"
The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
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Two women were playing golf one sunny morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch and fell to the ground where he proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me."
"Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at the crotch.
But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel now?"
The man replied, "That feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... LOOK, HE'S MOVING !!"
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A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"
The blind man replies, "If you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"
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09-25-2005, 09:55 AM
#100
Once there was this guy from Texas who took a vacation to Los Angeles. While there, he met up with a hooker.
He got down & dirty with her.
Afterwards, the hooker said: "$100 dollars."
The guy said: "No, here is $200."
Hooker responded: "You're so kind."
Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same hooker again and had sex again.
Hooker asked for $100, but the guy again says: "No, here's $200."
Hooker says: "You're so kind."
More days pass, and the guy met up with the hooker one last time to have sex.
Hooker says: "$100, please."
The guy slaps her and hands her $200.
Hooker says: "Man, you're so kind. Where are you from?"
Guy says: "I'm from Texas."
The hooker says: "I am from there too."
The guy says: "I know, your mom sent me to give you $600."
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