BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"



He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."



She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night."



He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."



"Well, what was it?"

she asks.

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."



She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"



Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, " Mission Accomplished."

[solksjaer15]

There's this guy who went to this camp for adults, so the owner is showing him around, and says, "You're gonna love it here, especially the barrel behind the restrooms, when you feel the need, stick you're dick in the hole for a blowjob.

"So the next day,the guy sees the owner, and says, "this place is great, I'm going to use that barrel everyday."

The owner says, "Everyday except Mondays."

"Why not on Mondays?"

The owner says, "That's your day in the barrel."

[solksjaer15]

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

[solksjaer15]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm f#cking STARVING!"

[solksjaer15]

Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E you know....
Young, urban, professional, peacefull, intelligent, ecologist."

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y, you know...
Double Income, No kids, Yet!"

The third guy says. "I'm a R.U.B, you know....
Rich, Urban , Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her ,
"What are you?"

She replies: "I'm a W.I.F.E., you know....
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.."

[solksjaer15]

An Amish girl and her mother were driving their buggy one day in the winter, when the girl told her mom that her hands were cold. She said to put them between her legs, so she did.

The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy and he said to the girl that his hands were cold. The girl said to put them between her legs and he did.

The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy again and he told the girl that his nose was cold and she told him to put it between her legs, so he did.

The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy and he told her that his penis was frozen solid, so she told him to put it between her legs and he did.

The next day the girl was riding in the buggy with her mother and asked her if she knew what a penis was. She replied, "Yes, why?"

"Because they sure do make a mess when they thaw out."

[solksjaer15]

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.

What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.

You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...

You finish off as an orgasm.

[solksjaer15]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures.

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!"

[solksjaer15]

One day poor old Lena decided she didn't want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart...but she didn't know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information.

The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches below the left nipple.

Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital.

"I should be dead!" she wailed.

"Don't worry, lady," the orderly answered, "your knee will mend before you know it!"

[solksjaer15]

An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.

After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"