BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.

The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"



The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"

[solksjaer15]

A slightly retarded farmer has a farm up the coast of California. Unfortunately, there are no women around. He gets rather desperate, and decides to try out an old mule. He puts a stepladder behind the mule, lowers his pants, but then the mule walks forward. The farmer gets down off the ladder, moves it forward, and tries again, with the same outcome.

This process goes on for about 5 more iterations, until he finally gets the idea to lead the mule up to the ocean, so the mule can't walk away. When he gets on the ladder again, he hears a cry for help out to sea, and sees a drowning woman flailing her arms. He jumps off the ladder, swims out to rescue her, and drags her back in. The woman is totally nude, beautiful, and stacked as well.

After he revives her and nurses her back to health, she gazes into his eyes with her limpid blue eyes, and says

"Oh sir! I'm so thankful to you for saving my life! I'll do anything to repay you! Anything!!"

So he says to her; "Could you hold that mule for me?"

[solksjaer15]

Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?

You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.

Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.

When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.

[solksjaer15]

A middle aged woman sought help from her doctor.

"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all."

The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.

"Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."

"That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?"

"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."

[solksjaer15]

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.

John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"

[solksjaer15]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

[solksjaer15]

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy. Can I help you?"

the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else....."



"No, I must see Natalie."



Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.

The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... It was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.

At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row ... where are you from?"



The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."



"Really?"

replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."



"Yes, I know," said the old man.

"Your Father died. and left you some money. - She gave me the $3,000 to give to you.

[solksjaer15]

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"







"Sure" she said.

"He's at home, taking care of the kids.

[solksjaer15]

A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who's bothering me."

The driver said he stop at the very next exit but before he got there, another woman came up and made the same complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little old baldheaded man down on his hands and knees looking under the seats. The bus driver said, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I though I'd found it several times but mine parts on the side."

[solksjaer15]

A lady around seven months pregnant got on a street car and sat down.

She noticed the man opposite her smiling. Feeling humiliated, she promptly changed her seat.

This time, his smile turned to a grin. She changed her seat again.

He seemed still more amused.

When on the fourth change he burst out laughing, she could not bear it any longer.

She complained to the conductor, who had the man arrested.

When the date came up in court the judge asked the man if he had anything to say.

"Your honor, it was like this," he said. "When the lady came in, I could not help but notice her condition."

"She sat under a sign that read, 'Gold Dust Twins coming.' I had to smile to myself".

"Then she moved under an ad that said, 'Use Sloan's Linament to reduce that swelling.'"

"When she placed herself under 'William's Stick Did It,' I couldn't hold myself."

"The fourth time she sat below, 'Goodyear Rubber would have prevented this accident,' and I laughed out loud!"

"Dismissed," said the judge.