BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.

She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes crazy.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.

He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs."

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[solksjaer15]

One day, farmer Williams was in town picking up supplies for his farm.

He stopped at the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem, how to carry all his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey thanks!" the farmer said and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?"

The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township Road. Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley; we'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said: "How do I know that when we get in the alley, you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens...."

[solksjaer15]

Two guys are sitting in the doctor's waiting room, so to pass the time they start to chat to each other.

They get to why they are here and the first one, Mr. Smith, says, "Well, it's kind of embarrassing really, but I got this red ring round the shaft of my ... you know ... penis."

"Hey, that's amazing," says Mr. Jones, "I got a green ring 'round mine. I feel a lot better knowing I ain't some kind of freak."

So both feeling somewhat relieved, they talk about football and horse racing until Mr. Smith is called in to see the doctor. Ten minutes later, Mr. Smith returns, a wide grin on his face. On the way to the door, he quickly says to Mr. Jones, "Hey, no worries, he rubbed in some liquid with a cloth and it came off. You'll be out in no time. See ya buddy."

Feeling better, Mr. Jones goes in to the doctor when called. He explains his problem, drops his trousers, and lets the doctor have a look. "It's serious I'm afraid Mr. Jones, It will have to be amputated. I can schedule surgery for three days time."

"WHAT!! NO!! That guy in here two minutes ago got his rubbed off! What do ya mean 'amputate!?'"

"I'm sorry Mr. Jones, there is a big difference between lip-stick and gangrene."

[solksjaer15]

There are three guys, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Texan. They are all discussing what they do to get their women hot.

The Italian says, "First I light a candle and drip hot liquid wax all over her body, then I follow with a tender nibbling at each spot of wax until they're all gone. Then she's hot!"

When the Frenchman was queried he replies, "First I take a bouquet of roses and I pull all the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I go all over her blowing them off, one at a time. When I'm through, she's really hot!"

The previous two gents now ask the Texan what he did to get his woman hot. He replied, "Well I don't do anything that exotic! What I do is, I pick her up and throw her on the bed, grab her by the ankles and fuck the shit out of her. When I'm done, I wipe my dick on her new curtains. Man, does she get hot!"

[solksjaer15]

A guy goes to the doctor and say’s " Doc my pecker has turned orange."

The doctor takes a look and say’s "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, is it a chemical plant?"

The guy answers "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now and I've just been sitting around the house watching pornos and eating cheetos."

[solksjaer15]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says,
'I'm sorry honey, but I've got a gynecologist’s appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, 'Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow too?'

[solksjaer15]

A woman goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.

She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."

"That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!"

[solksjaer15]

Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.

Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office.

The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself.

Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."

[solksjaer15]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual sex addict.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

[solksjaer15]

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again she pulled away, got out of the car and walked home. That night she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn't get home until very late. That night she wrote, "Dear diary: There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."