BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

After 25 years of marriage, Marge decided she needed something to spice up their sex life. As she was browsing around the lingerie dept. at the local sex shop, she came upon a pair of crotchless panties and decided they were just what she needed.

Later that evening, while her husband was watching tv, she came strutting out of the bedroom with only the panties on. She asks her husband,"Would you like some of this?"

and he replies,"Hell no! Look what it did to those panties!!!!"

[solksjaer15]

Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle.

One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it.

"That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose.

"Yeah. What's it called?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What's that mean?"

A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"

Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"

[solksjaer15]

An extremely ugly man was sitting in a bar having a drink with his friend, who is his polar opposite. In fact, he may be the most handsome man in town.

The two of them are discussing a beautiful blonde girl sitting at the bar.

The handsome man said, "Boy, I sure would like to get some of that."

The ugly man said, "Go ahead, go for it."

The handsome man said, "There's no way, she won't go with anybody, I've tried many times."

The ugly man said, "I think I could go out with her if I wanted to."

The handsome man laughed and said, "If she won't go out with me, she sure as hell won't go out with you."

Ugly said, "I'll bet you fifty bucks she'll go with me."

Handsome says, "You're on!"

Ugly says, "OK, just leave the money with the bartender and I'll pick it up later."

He walks up to the girl, starts talking and then turned around and walked out of the bar, with the girl right behind him.

The handsome man couldn't believe it. He went up to the bar and asked the bartender, "What happened? What did he say to her?"

The bartender told him, "Well, he didn't say much. He just said it's a nice night for a walk. And then he licked his eyebrows and left."

[solksjaer15]

Two little boys are sitting In the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "Gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.
The mother turns back to the boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV, we'll be right back, ok?" The two boys nod ok, and the parents take off upstairs.
The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs.
At the top of the stairs, He peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head. He goes back downstairs to his little brother. "Come with me", He says. The two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!

[solksjaer15]

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends.

She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell.

"They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls.
"What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

[solksjaer15]

One day mom was cleaning her son's room and under the bed, she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[solksjaer15]

A man is driving, when suddenly his car breaks down. So he walks and walks until he comes to a farm house.

He knocks on the door, and a women answered. He asked the women if he can spend the night because his car broke down.

The women says, "You may stay here, but I have 3 rules you must follow."

He says he will follow them.

The women says that he would have to stay in the laundry room.

So he lays down, but there was a pair of pants hanging in his way, so he pulls them down.

A few moments later the women comes into the room and says, " You have broken my 1st rule!"

So he now is led to a barn where he may sleep. As soon as he lays down... a donkey waves its tail in his face, so the man slaps it.

Then the women enters the barn and says, "You have broken my 2nd rule!".

Then he was led to an area near a fence. When he laid down there was a cat pacing on the fence so the man shaves it.

About 5 minutes later the women comes out to the fence and says," You have broken my 3rd rule! I have called the cops, and they are on there way over."

So the man asked what he did wrong.

She didn't have time to answer before the cops arrive.

A cop comes over and asks, "Whats the problem miss?"

She replies,"This man pulled down my pants, spanked my ass, and shaved my pussy!"

[solksjaer15]

Two traveling salesman driving across kansas, the car breaks down so they walk to the farmers house and ask him if they can stay the night. the farmer replies "well" I have only one extra room next to my daughter's and I have a couch, but the dog sleeps on the couch so you will both have to share the same bed. they look at each other and say "what the hell" neither of us is gay so It will be ok for one night.one guy wakes up in the middle of the night and says to his coworker, Man I've got to sneak over to the daughter's room and get some of that, she is a real fox and I've got the biggist woody I've ever had, as a matter of fact It's about 3 inches bigger than It's ever been, the coworker replies "well" your going to have to take me with you. why is that he asks? Because thats "my Dick" your holding.

[solksjaer15]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

[solksjaer15]

The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting college.

"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after that, my pussy got kind of sore."