BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

An avid jogger was jogging along the beach, when he happened upon a lady with no arms and no legs laying in the sand crying. He stopped and asked the woman why she was crying.

She replied,"because I've never been hugged before".

So he bent down and hugged her, and continued on his way.

The next day during his routine jog he came upon the same woman,lying in the same spot again she was crying. So he asked her "why my dear are you crying?".

She responded with "because I've never been kissed before". So he bent down and kissed her,and continued on his way.

The next day when he went jogging he expected to see the young lady, and there she was still crying, so he said "miss this is the third day that I've seen you laying here crying, what is the reason for your crying today?".

She said through her tears,"I've never been screwed before".

So he bent down, picked her up and threw her in the water.

"There now you're screwed!"

[solksjaer15]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[solksjaer15]

There are two sperm and they're swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They're starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, "Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?"





The other sperm replies, "Naaaahhhhh, we can find it."





So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who's looks almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask, "Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?"





The almost dead sperm says, "I'll try, where ya going?"





The two sperms reply, "Well, we're trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilise the egg."





The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, "What's so funny?"





The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, "Well, you guys have a long way to go...... you're still in the oesophagus."

[solksjaer15]

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

[solksjaer15]

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist.

After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor.

While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination.

The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.

When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following conversation ensued:

Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?

Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?

Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?

Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?

Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your Feminine Deodorant Spray this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!

Daughter: I don't have any FDS.

Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...

With that a little Granddaughter said, "That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray Gran!"

[solksjaer15]

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.

While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

[solksjaer15]

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"





The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."





His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."





The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

[solksjaer15]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

[solksjaer15]

A lady, desperate for companionship took out an ad in the local paper.

It read: I need a man who won't beat me up... won't run away with other women, but he's gotta be great in bed.

The next day the doorbell rang, and she found a quadrapalegic on her doorstep.

"You have no arms." she said.

He answered, "I won't beat you."

"You have no legs." she protested.

He said, "I won't run away with other women!"

Embarassed she inquired, "How can you be great in bed?"

He answers, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[solksjaer15]

Doc, I think my son has an STD,” a man tells his urologist on the phone. “Luckily, the only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothes. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But I’ve been screwing the maid too,” the man continues. “And I’ve got the same symptoms my son has.”

“Then come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replies the doctor.

“Well,” the man admits, “I think my wife has it too.”

“Oh, crap!” the physician roars. “That means we’ve all got it!”