Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

The Californian and The Texan
adult

A Californian flew out to Texas to look at some property for sale. After landing at the airport, he drove out to the ranch and met the ranch hand that was going to show him the property.

The Texan saddled up a couple of horses and the two of them rode off across the range. After riding a while, they found themselves up on a ridge, and looking down, spotted a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

The Texan looked at the Californian and said "I'd better take care this".

So he got off his horse, walked down to the sheep, dropped his pants and took care of business.

Looking back at the Californian, he said "Hey, you want some of this?"

The Californian shook his head yes, got off his horse, dropped his pants and put his head in the fence.

[solksjaer15]

good jokes sahil...keep posting more...

[sahil_india_boy]

Project Managers
adult

If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager

If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager

If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager

If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- A tough m. f. project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)

If get kill in will way I you.
-dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager

I am the way! Kill me if you can!
-messianic project manager

Get away, I'll kill us all!
-suicidal project manager

If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
-thoughtful but ineffective project manager

If I kill you I'll get in your way.
-project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious

If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
-project manager from New York

I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so no one will get killed.
-project manager who is about to get in big trouble

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
-weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

If I kill me, you'll get your way.
-pragmatic project manager

Kill me, it's the only way.
-every project manager to date.

If we get in each others' way, who will get killed?
- An utterly confused manager

[sahil_india_boy]

Buzzzzzzzzz
adult

A woman was in her house, where she kept hearing a buzzing sound. The sound was really botherning her so she went around the house to investigate. The woman had a grown daughter of about 35 years of age still living at home, and as she neared her daughter's bedroom, the buzzing was louder. She walked in and there was her daughter lying on her bed using a vibrator. The woman said, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" The daughter said, "Well, mom. I'm 35 years old...a grown woman. And this vibrator is my husband. Do you mind? We're trying to make love."

A few days later, the husband is in the house when he hears a buzzing sound. He checks things out, winds up going to his grown daughter's bedroom and opens the door to see his daughter with her vibrator. "What the hell's going on here?" he asked her. The daughter said, "Well, dad. I'm 35 years old...a grown woman. And this vibrator is my husband. Do you mind? We're trying to make love!"

A few days go past, and the mom once again hears a buzzing noise...but this time, it's not coming from upstairs...it's coming from the kitchen! So she goes to the kitchen, and sees HER HUSBAND and the vibrator! She says, "What the hell is going on here?"

... The husband says, "I'm just having a beer with my son-in-law. Do you mind?"

[sahil_india_boy]

Lines to painlessly end a bad date
adult

I can't legally use the ladies room until phase 3 of my sex change is complete.

Oh my god that's my husband on that Harley!

Scratching crotch) Those little critters sure are itchy.

All the woman in my family get really fat butts after 40. Guess my turn is just around the corner

One more year and I'll be old enough to apply for a driver's licence.

Do you smell that? I think my colostomy bag is leaking again.

A woman needs a good swat now and again.

Can I borrow 50 bucks 'til my welfare check comes?

(After farting aloud in restaurant) Sorry, trouser cough..heh heh.

[sahil_india_boy]

Three Southern Belles
adult

Once there were three southern belles sipping mint julips on the porch of a house when the subject of gifts came up. The first lady said (in a classic southern drawl), "For our fifth anniversary my husband and I toured Europe for a month." The third lady said "Well aint that nice" and the first said

"Yes it was."

Said the second lady, "For my tenth anniversary, my husband bought me this here fine plantation." And the third lady said, "Well aint that nice."

"Yes it was" said the second lady.

Now the third commented, "For my last anniversary, my husband sent me to the finest finishing school in South Carolina."

"Whatever did they teach you in finishing school?" asked the other two.

"Well," said the third, "the most important thing I learned in finishing school was that whenever I felt like saying 'fuck you bitch', I should say 'Well aint that nice!'"

[sahil_india_boy]

Indian Chief
adult

Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, buckskin clothes, etc.

As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say " Wanna ".

I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more curious as he kept making these greetings. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer. I went up to the native American, and said, " I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say "How "

He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said.... " ME KNOW HOW....ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA !"

[sahil_india_boy]

Loft
adult

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time. What is 'loft?'"

The pro says, "L-O-F-T: Lack Of Fucking Talent."

[sahil_india_boy]

Climb the ladder to success
adult

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.

On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eyes. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on.

"On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive.

"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Do me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 500 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his meat and ass.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Ballerina At The Bar
adult

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"