Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

Number Three
adult

A young girl, about 14-15 is sitting in school one afternoon. She puts her hand up to get the teachers attention. Finally the teacher asks her what her problem is. She tells the teacher she has to go to the bathroom.

The teacher tells the young girl that this is a very important lesson, and that she will have to wait until break to go.

After a few minutes, the young girl raises her hand again, this time, acting much more urgent about the situation. Again, the teacher puts her off...

About three minutes later, the young girl stand up in the middle of the lesson, and walks towards the door. The teacher stops in the middle of a sentence, and asks the girl what she thought she was doing.

The girl said "You don't understand, I HAVE to go NUMBER THREE!".

The teacher...quite confused, asks the girl, what number three was.

The girl looks at the teacher and says "Duh....... miscarriage!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Simple Maths
adult

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up."
Your wife

[sahil_india_boy]

Bar Poopie
adult

A little fella walks into a bar. Unfortunately for him, there is a pile of dog crap just inside the door and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself, walks to the bar and buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of poop, falls, gets up, cleans himself and then buys a drink.

Trying to strike up a conversation, the little guy turns to the big guy, points to the pile by the door and says, "I just did that."

The big guy punched him in the mouth.

[sahil_india_boy]

Good date
adult

These three teenage girls were roommates. One friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud noise.

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Romantic Evening
adult

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along. Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.

A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts "Dad, if you think your getting fucked in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner convention going past."

[sahil_india_boy]

Mom You Told Me
adult

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her first daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night."

She sneaked by her second daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a sound, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her first daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurts, I should scream."

"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her second daughter. "Now, why were you laughing?" she asked.

"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered.

"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"

"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk with my mouth full."

[sahil_india_boy]

How to drive WOMEN crazy
adult

1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

[sahil_india_boy]

Ejaculation Issues
adult

A man who had problems with premature ejaculation went to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk handed him a little yellow can and said, "This is Stay-Hard Spray; put on a little andyou can go all night!"

Delighted, the guy took it home, stowed it on the cellar shelf, and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on his dick and went upstairs to his wife.

But it seemed to make him reach orgasm quicker than ever. The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Reading the label, the clerk asked, "Did you hide this stuff on cellar shelf?"

"Yeah, so?" said the disgruntled customer.

"You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off."

[sahil_india_boy]

Chinese Torture Tests
adult

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you, then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

[sahil_india_boy]

Lost in the jungle
adult

Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."