Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

The cat and the pond
adult

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite peckish so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into the pond again - there was another sausage but this time it was a normal sized one so the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm into the pond.The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond - it looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLOSH
- he fell in.

The moral of the story is - the bigger the sausage - the wetter the pussy.

[sahil_india_boy]

The Butterfly
adult

A couple is driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything ... the heat; the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc ... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk.

So she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife". About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife,slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three: husband, wife, and 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield. The father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).

The observant daughter asks: "Daddy, what was that?"

Her father, still in a panic, says, " Oh it was only a uh........butterfly".

Must've been a big butterfly," replied the daughter. "Did you see the size of the dick on it?"

[sahil_india_boy]

Marriage
adult

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time.

"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.

When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.

As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him,

"Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother,

"See? Did you hear what he said?"

"So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one."

[sahil_india_boy]

The blonde and her naked men
adult

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!", asks the cop.

And she said....

"Those are my emergency flashers."

[sahil_india_boy]

The Beautiful Secretary
adult

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy outright.


So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.


After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition.


She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

[sahil_india_boy]

The bear, the rabbit, and the magic frog
adult

Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. One day, they went out for a walk and came across a magical golden frog. The frog told them that he will grant them three wishes each, which got the rabbit and the bear very excited.

The bear proceeded to tell the frog his first request. He said, "I wish that all the bears in this forest were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

Then it was the rabbit's turn and he said, "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.

The bear hesitated, thought for a moment and then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were female too, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit already knew what he wanted, and uttered, "I wish for a motorcycle." POOF! His wish was granted.

The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way. And, may I add, choose your last wish carefully!!"

The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. A smirk appeared on his face as he revved the motor and shouted, "I wish the bear was gay." Poof! And the rabbit rode off.

[sahil_india_boy]

The Bar
adult

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then.

"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

[sahil_india_boy]

The Arab
adult

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle.

It appears that there maybe a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie..... But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish that no matter where I go, a beautiful woman will always want to be around me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

[sahil_india_boy]

Thank you note to Clinton
adult

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done,... specifically:

1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broaddrick. Are there any others that we should know about?

2. Thank you for teaching my 8-year-old about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until he was about 10 or so to discuss it with them, but now he knows more about it than I did as a senior in college.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "IS" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex and one person may have sex while the other one involved does NOT.

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie, "Wag The Dog", could be plausible after all.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, and Lyndon Johnson look truthful.

6. Thank you for the 72 House and Senate witnesses who have pleaded the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democrat campaign fund raising.

7. Thank you for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonments from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.

8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips.

Also, please give my regards to Hillary, when/if you see her. Tell her I'm working on a "Thank You" letter for her.

Looking forward to January 2001,

Average Joe

[sahil_india_boy]

Sunday Drive
adult

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"