Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

Sperm Education
adult

{A new twist on an old joke}

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor:

"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, "I'm the Egg." From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

[sahil_india_boy]

Rooster Power
adult

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster--one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Spike here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Spike back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Spike a little pep talk: "Spike," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Spike strutted into the henhouse.

Spike was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Spike had finished having his way with each hen. But Spike didn't stop there.

Spike went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Spike!! You'll kill yourself!!" But Spike continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Spike lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Spike. The farmer walked up to Spike saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."

"Shhhhhhh," Spike whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

[sahil_india_boy]

Big Sonofabitch
adult

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY): "I'm sorry, Father, but that's what the fish is called- a sonofabitch."

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand-that's what the fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm...you know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it and takes it to the head mother.

Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called, a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it."

Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch."

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch."

Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch."

The pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on the table and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright."

[sahil_india_boy]

Some things guys know
adult

Guys know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Guys know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Guys know that there are at least three sides to every story: yours, hers, and the truth.

Guys know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bimbette.

Guys know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Guys know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

*** and what do women know?.....guys are full of it

[sahil_india_boy]

Snow White
adult

Miss Snow White was a randy cow
And desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally wanting one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "High-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax" you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fuckin load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White then whimpered.
"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,
he was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that great big fucking prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
but feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that spadge inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
When you next buy 7-Up!

[sahil_india_boy]

Sex Therapy
adult

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy."

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.

[sahil_india_boy]

Sex for Weightloss
adult

Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight

Look how many calories you can burn:

* TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement - 12 cal
Without her agreement - 187 cal

* TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands - 8 cal
With one hand - 12 cal
With one hand being slapped - 37 cal
With the mouth - 85 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection - 6 cal
Without erection - 315 cal

* PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris - 8 cal
Trying to find G spot - 92 cal
Without caring at all - 0 cal

* WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up - 12 cal
Just on the floor - 8 cal

* POSITIONS
Daddy-mummy - 12 cal
69 laying - 8 cal
69 standing up - 112 cal
Trolley - 216 cal
Italian chandelier - 912 cal

* HAVING AN ORGASM
Real - 112 cal
Fake - 315 cal

* POST ORGASM
Staying in bed - 8 cal
Jumping off the bed - 36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed - 816 cal

* GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age - 12 cal
from 20 to 29 - 36 cal
from 30 to 39 - 108 cal
from 40 to 49 - 324 cal
from 50 to 59 - 972 cal
over 60 - 2916 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly - 32 cal
Being in a hurry - 98 cal
With her husband opening the door - 218 cal

[sahil_india_boy]

Satans Sister
adult

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Santa is GAY!
adult

Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a straight man could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, think about the planning that goes into an event like Christmas. Even Martha Stewart is envious.

Straight men have day jobs, so they wouldn't have time to stand at the local shopping malls and ring a bell all day. But if you're a gay, out-of-work Actor/Dancer/Waiter it's the perfect gig until you get your big break.

Also, if he were straight he would have picked a more masculine animal than the reindeer to get him around, like horses or oxen, but the reindeer just happens to appeal to Santa's inherent sense of grace and beauty.

And those names: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen? Fill in the blanks.

Mrs. Claus has been married to him for eons and he's never fathered a child with her, she's over-weight and still content... Can you say "Fag-hag"?

Ever thought about the Rudolph story? He's gay too! "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games." (as if he wanted to). Isn't Rudolph really a metaphor for the gay child in a straight society anyway?

Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the traditional dessert at Christmas time? Well, now you know. And stop pretending you don't like it. Deep down inside, you've always liked fruitcake.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a straight man:

* Look at the size of the bag he packs for a one night trip!
* Red velvet, fur collar, black engineer boots... think people!
* Physically he's a wet dream for the Girth and Mirth club and the perfect poster model for GMSMA.
* Gay men have long been using stockings to hide their candy.
* Ho Ho / Homo... a little too similar if you ask me.
* That long over-night flight around the world taps into the flight attendant gene.

And one more thing, did you ever know a straight man named Nicholas? Oh, straight society has tried to butch up his image by calling him St. Nick, but we know better. It's Nicholas, damn it! Ms. Claus if you're nasty.

Merry Christmas!

[sahil_india_boy]

Rules Guys Wished Women Knew
adult

*If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

*Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

*Don't cut your hair. Ever.

*Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

*Get rid of your cat.

*Sunday = Sports.

*Anything you wear is fine. Really.

*Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

*You have too many shoes.

*Crying is blackmail.

*Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

*Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

*Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

*Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

*A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

*Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

*Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

*If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

*If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

*Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we knowhow pretty you are?

*Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

*You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

*Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

*You have enough clothes.

*Nothing says "I love you" like sex.