Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

An old couple were watching television one evening. The wife said "I am going to get a dish of icecream". The husband said "I will get you some ice cream". "I'll write it down so you don't forget" she said. "I won't forget" he said. "But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it so I'll write it down" she said. "I will get you the ice cream don't you worry" he said. A few minutes later he returned with bacon and eggs and she said "I should have written it down because you forgot the toast"

[sahil_india_boy]

3 guys walk into a bar. The 4th one ducks. A string walks into a bar and the waiter says to him,"We don't serve your kind here." So the string goes across the street and tells a friend to tie him in a knot and fray his edges. So the guy does it and the string says thank you. Then the strin g goes back across the street and goes into the bar and orders a beer. Again the guy says we don't serve your kind, but the string says,"I'm afraid not."(I'm a frayed not.)

[sahil_india_boy]

What's the definition of mixed emotions?? Watching your mother-in-law go off a cliff in your new Mercedes! Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS": * The Engagement Ring * The Wedding Ring * The Suffe-Ring and * The Endu-Ring!! Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters!

[sahil_india_boy]

Adam and God were walking in the garden one day. Adam asked God, "why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God said, "Adam, so that you would love Eve." Adam, "But, why did you make her so stupid?" God, "So that she would love you."

[sahil_india_boy]

Doctor Wong's Diagnosis: A little Chinese boy was having problems attracting the attention of the opposite sex, so his mother decided to seek professional advice. She went to doctor Wong and asked to have him examined. --- Doctor Wong told the little boy to undress and stand in the middle of the room under a bright light. Doctor Wong stood behind him and told him to bend forward and place his head between his legs. --- AH! exclaimed doctor Wong. I see the plobrem..the little ferrow has Zachary's dise ase. --- Zachary's disease? enquired the little boy's mother. --- Yes! Zachary's disease, said Dr Wong......his face looks exzachary like his bum.

[sahil_india_boy]

Q.)An eye in a blue face saw an eye in a green face. "That face is like to this face, but in low place not high place." What are the eyes? A.) The sun and a flower. Q.) Never dead, never living, never taking, ever giving; With us 'till the day we die, leaving with our final sigh; All feeling, yet it doesn't cry. What is it? A.) The soul. Q.) My hunger is fed by that which I touch, But quench that "desire" and I'm ended as such. My life casting shadows on that which I feed, It is dictated by thus and ended by greed. What am I? A.) Fire.

[sahil_india_boy]

An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why, I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The Doctor ask ed, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me everytime I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night t o go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reactio n on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on lke this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the tim e he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head o f the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer t he phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While ke eping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating th e end of his lonliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the din ner table. After assuring her he ahd not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[sahil_india_boy]

A burglar is breaking into a home and as he comes into the living room he hears " God is watching you". Upon hearing this he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner and says ," What is your name?" . The bird replies ," Moses". The burgl ar laughs and says " What kind of idiot names thier parrot Moses?! " And the bird replies " The same idiot who named his Rottweiler God ."

[sahil_india_boy]

The scene: A Marine Basic Training Camp. One morning the Captain calls Sargent Black into his office and tells him "When you line up the troops this morning you need to inform Private Jones that his mother died." "Yes Sir!" says Black. That morning a s the men were lined up Black bellows out "Hup hey ho ho Jones your mother died." Jones falls over with a heart attack. A month later the Captain calls Black into his office and says, "Black you need to tell Private Smith his mother died--but this time us e some tact--I don't want to loose another good recruit. "Yes Sir!" Black answers. This time when the men are lined up Black yells out " OK--all you men with living mothers take one step forward----NOT SO FAST SMITH!"