Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

Lipstick
adult

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the solder girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

[sahil_india_boy]

Parking
adult

Walter is standing outside a condo in Miami Beach when all of a sudden he hears, "Hello, handsome."

He looks up and sees a middle-ages woman, naked from the waist up, hanging out of a window. And she's got some damned beautiful jugs! She says, "Come on up. 14B."

Needless to say, he runs into the condo, goes up in the elevator, runs down the hall to 14B, and knocks on the door. She opens the door, pulls him in, and closes the door. She's stark naked, except for bikini panties. He can't believe it. She leads him into the living room, not saying a word. She unbuckles his belt, pulls down his zipper, undoes his pants, and pulls them down to his ankles. She pulls his T-shirt up to his chest, and pulls down his boxers. He's got a boner like you write home about.

She cups his hard-on in her hand, strokes it a few times, and then she starts SMACKING it, and says,

"Don't-you-ever-park-in-my-fucking-parking-spot-again-you-son-of-a bitch-that's-my-fucking-parking-spot-don't-you-EVER-fucking-park there again-you-cocksucker..."

[sahil_india_boy]

Oral Sex
adult

Written by a woman:

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls *if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is in appropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".


II. HE SAID: Man's reply to Woman's BJ Etiquette...

1) First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. if you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2) Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish
3) You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4) I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5) If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you won't have any.
6) Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the dick off your breath we would stick around afterward.
7) When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.
8) Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
9) You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
10) At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth
11) Play with the balls
12) No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
13) Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.
14) Caress the ass, too, we like that.
15) Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
16) If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?

[sahil_india_boy]

Oral Sex (2)
adult

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I holler back, 'Fuck You too'.

[sahil_india_boy]

One Night Stand
adult

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then.

"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

[sahil_india_boy]

Old Couple
adult

An old couple are taking a trip down memory lane, and as such gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met. While sitting at a café the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this café, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes I remember it well dear.", replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, lets go back there and I'll give you one from behind again.", says the old man.

The couple pay their bill and leave the café. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see the old couple go at it. He gets up and follows them.

Sure enough, he sees the couple near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips. The little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old women at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends or his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!"

The two have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the couple. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that fifty years ago?" The pensioner replies "Son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

[sahil_india_boy]

OK, Who Farted?!? Find your true self.
adult

1. The Vain Person: - One who loves the smell of his own farts.

2. The Amiable Person: - One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.

3. The Proud Person: - One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

4. The Shy Person: - One who releases silent farts and then blushes.

5. The Impudent Person: - One who farts loudly and then laughs.

6. The Scientific Person: - One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.

7. The Unfortunate Person: - One who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead.

8. The Nervous Person: - One who stops in the middle of a fart.

9. The Honest Person: - One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.

10. The Dishonest Person: - One who farts and then blames the dog.

11. The Foolish Person: - One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

12. The Thrifty Person: - One who always has several farts in reserve.

13. The Antisocial Person: - One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

14. The Strategic Person: - One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.

15. The Sadistic Person: - One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bed covers over his bed mates head.

16. The Intellectual Person: - One who determines from the smell of his neighbor's fart precisely the latest food item he consumed.

17. The Athletic Person: - One who farts at the slightest exertion.

18. The Miserable Person: - One who would truly love to but can't fart at all.

19. The Sensitive Person: - One who farts and then bursts into tears.

20. The Bruiser: - One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt checks.

Note: All farts are divided into two groups: yours and somebody else's.

[sahil_india_boy]

Ode to a boob
adult

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close," she said,
as she put my boob in line.
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes. There. That's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes.
A plastic plate was pressing down,
My boob was in a vice.

My skin was stretched 'n stretched,
from way up by my chin.
And my poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit.

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say,
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let's get the other one,"
Lord have mercy, I was praying.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped -- Ker-Pow!

This machine was made by man,
Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there,
For a month he'd go without!!!

[sahil_india_boy]

My Oath to You
adult

When you are sad,.............I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad

When you are scared,......... I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get

When you are worried,.........I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.

When you are confused,........I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

And when you are lost,........I will answer my cell phone and give you directions.

When you are sick.........I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.

When you fall......I will point and laugh at you.

This is my oath...............I pledge till the end.

Why you may ask?..............Because you're my friend. And the whole reason people have friends is to have fun and it's not too much fun being a shining beacon.

[sahil_india_boy]

Migranes
adult

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.

Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."