Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

HMO or PPO Insurance
adult

Queen Elizibeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your Ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that at least five times a day , he'll become swollen..he might even die."

"Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed."

On the same floor, they soon passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The doctor replied , "Same problem, better health plan."

[sahil_india_boy]

High-Tech Guy!
adult

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone....on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, you don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular. The bartender says prove it.

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. That's incredible, says the bartender... I would never believe it! Yeah, said the guy, I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room. The bartender directs him to the men's room.

The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bartender goes in to the men's room.

There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall...his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

"Oh my god, said the bartender Did they rob you? How much did they get?"

The guy turns and says: No, no. . . I'm just waiting for a fax !

[sahil_india_boy]

Hemorrhoids
adult

A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of hemorrhoids, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't manage it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."

The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.

"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.

"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.

His wife asked him, "What is it then?"

He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders."

[sahil_india_boy]

Head Poetry
adult

Penis breath, A lover's dread, It's what you get when you give head,

unpleasant as it tends to be, be grateful that he doesn't pee,

it's times like this that you wonder why, you bothered reaching for his fly,

but It's to late can't be a tease, accept the facts, get on your knees,

you know you've got a job to do, so open wide and shove it through,

lick the tip, then take it all, don't drag your teeth or he might bawl,

slide up and down, use your tongue, and feel the pre-cum start to run,

your jaw aches and your neck is numb, so when the fuck is he gonna cum?

just when you can't take anymore, you hear your lover's mighty roar,

and when he hits that real high note, you feel it oozing down your throat,

salty, fishy, sticky stuff, ok already, that's enough,

let's switch, you say (before you gag), and what revenge, you're on the RAG.

[sahil_india_boy]

Happy Landings
adult

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced, "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her, "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now the attendant was getting rather angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said, "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you. So put your tray up BITCH!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Halloween
adult

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heardof a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume.

He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party."

By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. One is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie. And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle."

[sahil_india_boy]

Got Milk
adult

The young lady entered the doctor's office, carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the lady's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.

"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"

"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Good Girls Vs. Bad Girls
adult

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

[sahil_india_boy]

Five levels of drinking
adult

LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".

LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow .cool.

LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Top 10 Proposed FDA Alcohol Warnings
adult

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.