joke time buddies(PART 2)

[ftvfatboy]

>SARDAR JOKES>>
1. Sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings.>He picks it up and says "Hello, how did you know I was>here?">*************************************** ***********>
2. Did you hear about the Sardar who signed all>his cheques so that no one else could use them if he lost his>cheque book?>******************************************** *********>3.
Did you hear about the Sardar who asked his friends to give him>all their burnt out light bulbs?>He just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.>**************************************** **************>
4. A Sardar was given the job of painting the white lines
>down the middle of a highway.>On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles;
>the following day less than a mile. Then the foreman asked the
>Sardar why he kept painting less each day,
>He replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting>farther away from the paint can.">
************************************************** *****>
>5. Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?>>They're there for those who don't drink.>
>************************************************* *********>
7. Ms. Singh went to a swimming pool in a bra & panty.>The coach says: Ma'm, here a 2 piece costume is not allowed.>Ms Singh: So, which one shall I remove?>****************************************** ************************************************** ******************************>10. Three men were stranded on an uninhabited island. One was Hindu,>one a Muslim, and the other a Singh. The only way back home was to>swim>100 miles to the next island, which was inhabited.>The Muslim was so determined to get home that he tried to swim.>He made it 50 miles, got tired, and drowned.>Then the Hindu tried. He made it 75 miles, but got tired and he too>drowned.>The Singh thought he could make it all the way, so he started>swimming.>He swam 50 miles, but started getting tired, so he swam all the>way back to the island.>****************************************** *************************>
11. Two Singh went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some>sandwiches>out of their pockets and started to eat them.>"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the>pub-owner.>So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches.>

[ftvfatboy]

Clean School Jokes
Back to School
Summer vacation was over and Little Johnny returned back to school.

Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"

Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calling in Sick
A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day.

Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

This is the actual conversation of the telephone call...

Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

Kelly: "This is my mother."

Needless to say, she didn't pull it off!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"

"None," answered little Norman.

"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."

"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Monster: I hate my teacher.

Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Well, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.

"No." replied the boy.

"I'm the principal's daughter." said the girl.

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.

"No," she replied.

"Thank goodness!" said the boy with a sign of relief.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?

George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Amit, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'.

Amit: I is...

Teacher: No, no, no, don't say "I is", you say "I am".

Amit: OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Patty: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Patty: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Patty: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Patty: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Patty: I've already got one rabbit at home now!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Children's X-Mas Carols
A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

[ftvfatboy]

Q: What does bhoomika and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up
>>
>>
Q: Why can't bhoomika put in light bulbs?
A: she keeps breaking them with the hammers.
>>
>>
Q: Did you here about bhoomika who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

[ftvfatboy]

PICK UP LINES GUYS................................(NOT FOR GAYS)
☻Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well...Enough about ME! How about you?
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put U and I together.
☻What is live ? Live is love. Whats love ? Love is kissing. Whats kissing ? Come here and I show you.
☻Love me or leave me. Hey,where is everybody going ?
☻Love is Sweet, Love is sad, but with me in bed Love is the best thing you ever had.
☻You got the style. You got the intelligence and you sure got the body!
☻Are you a mum? I am not a dad! Maybe you could help me with that!

☻If you would see yourself the way I do, you would wish you where as beautiful as you ...
☻The moment I first saw you, you warmed my heart, the second time you made little flames and now you make my heart burn like hell !
☻Are you free for the rest of your life?
☻I know milk it does a body good, but DAMN how much have you been drinking?
☻If I could rewrite the alphabet I'd put U and I together!
☻Hello, I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart!
☻Your daddy must be a terrorist because you are DA BOMB!
☻I must have been born under a lucky star, to find a friend as nice as you are, and I will follow the rainbow until the end, if you promis forever to be my friend!
☻If love is a crime, lock me up, i'm guilty baby
☻In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
☻Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.
☻God created the world in SIX days But took him centuries... to come up with someone...as "HOT" ... as "SEXY" ... as "Fuckable" ... *..As "YOU!" .. *
☻Just to let you know that I went to heaven and back...
☻Oh right then! Straight to the point! I want you right here, right now!

☻It is deaf and it wants to have sex with you...................... What do you say?
☻Do you know that you would look great with two pounds less ... in my opinion those clothes weigh exactly two pounds !
☻You are just like a Bounty ... a piece of paradise on earth!
☻You're eyes are soft en tender,as sweet as they can be.There's one thing you must remember, you are the one for me!!!
☻There are so many people in the world but in my world there's only one and that's you!!!
☻I want to share everything with you, your sadness, your happy moments, every single second of the day.
☻Do your feet never hurt ???? ... You are wondering around my thoughts all day long....
☻Love is in the air... shit if only I had a plane right now ...
☻When the night comes, look at the sky. If you see a falling star, don't wonder why,just make a wish. Trust me it will come true,'cause I did it and I found you.
☻I do not think much, I do not think often, but when I do think, I think of you
☻I love all the stars in the sky, but they are nothing compared to the ones in your eyes!
☻You can fall from a mountain,you can fall from a tree,but the best way to fall,is to fall in love with me.
☻If flowers were dreams that would last for ever, I would pick the most beautiful ones to send to you
☻Be smart, be clever, put me in your heart, 4-ever.
☻Don't listen to your mind. Listen always to your heart!
☻If one night a big fat man jumps in at your window grabs you and puts you in a sack don't worry I told Santa I wanted you for CHRISTMAS
☻If I had a penny every time I thought of you, I'd still miss you,but at least I would be rich!
☻Passion running trough my veins, trembling, waiting, reason is fading. Overpowering desire sets my skin on fire!
☻Somewhere, someone dreams of your smile and finds your presence in life so worth while. So when you are lonely, remember it's true that someone, somewhere, is thinking of you.
☻Can you see me? no? Turn around, can you see me now? no? Turn again, can you see me now? I can see you because you have a special place in my heart!
☻If I was a fly, I would fly to you now... but I'm not so I need to stay home and cry!
☻Since I met you people are wonders and live is a big party...
☻What ever you say, what ever you do, I will always love you
☻If loving you is wrong,then I don't wanna be right.My love for you is strong and brighter than any light.The way we must go is long,but we'll win every fight.
☻At night I cannot sleep and during the day I dream of you...
☻Life is much brighter with you around !
☻Don't let your mind rule over your heart.
☻You can fall from a mountain,you can fall from a tree ... but the best way is to fall in love with ME
☻If you would see yourself the way I do, you would wish you where as beautiful as you ...
☻Sometimes words are hard to find, to form that perfect line to let you know you're always on my mind!
☻Even when it is rainy the sun is shining in your smile.
☻If a kiss on your lips tastes as sweat as a raindrop I want it to rain for ever .......
☻I will give you one kiss to go to sleep. I give you two kisses to dream. I give you an endless row of kisses to, when you wake up in the morning, think of me.
☻It must have been a rainy day when you were born, but it wasn't really rain, the sky was crying because it lost his most beautifull angel...!
☻The moment I first saw you, you warmed my heart, the second time you made little flames and now you make my heart burn like hell !
☻Where ever you're going, I'm going your way !
☻Are you free for the rest of your life?
☻If all the boys lived on the other side of the sea, what a good swimmer I would be ?
☻During maths I was thinking of you but I cannot calculate how much I love you!!
☻I am sending you to an island full of kisses on a sea of love!
☻Love is...looking whether he is looking, and when he does, certainly not looking back!!
☻Do you have a coin? I want to call your parents to thank them.
☻I wanted to put something incredibly beautiful, sweet, nice, sensitive, erotic and funny on you screen, but unfortunately I do not fit on it.
☻I cannot think of a good opening sentence, so will we just say good-bye ???
☻I know milk it does a body good, but DAMN how much have you been drinking?
☻If I could rewrite the alphabet I'd put U and I together!
☻Hello, I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart!
☻Your daddy must be a terrorist 'cus you're DA BOMB!
☻Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?
☻I must have been born under a lucky star, to find a friend as nice as you are, and I will follow the rainbow until the end, if you promise forever to be my friend!
☻Ferrari's are red, Lambo's are blue... but I am as happy in a mini with you.
☻Every man dreams of a beautiful woman, so do I ... I dream of you.
☻If love is a crime, lock me up, i'm guilty baby
☻If God would have created something more beautiful than you he would have kept it to himself.
☻Can I have your picture, so Santa Claus knows exactly what to give me .
☻In my dreams you're mine, in my life you're a dream.
☻Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.
☻Have you drilled the butterflies in your stomach gedresseerd? I haven't!
☻I saw you at a distance but you never approached, but that what did never happen, never passes!
☻If love is blind, how will she find me ?
☻Never make love in the garden or in the fields...... For love might be blind but your neighbours not!
☻The less you open up to others, the more you will suffer.
☻Whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I like you, you're my friend!!!
☻There is a clown in my heart. Small and very special, he can dance and jump, laugh and sing ... are you sad and crying, you can borrow him.
☻I love the spring mornings, the afternoons in autumn, the winter evenings and the summer nights....but you I love more !
☻I would have answered your letter soonerb but you did not write me one.
☻I think i should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!!!!!!
☻I wish I was a teddy bear, that lay upon your bed, so everytime you cuddled it, you cuddled me instead
☻Luv is a sensation dat is caused by temptation.a boy puts his location in a girls destination.do u get my explanation or do u wanna demonstration?
☻I like your style- I like your class- but most of all i like your arse!
Do you like maths?if so add a bed subtract ur clothes divide your legs and we can multiply!
☻I want triplets You want twins.Lets get in bed and see who wins!
☻Of all the babes ur my selection.please dont giv me a rejection.my teeth are clean for ur Inspection so giv my mouth a tongue injection!

☻Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?
☻It must have been a rainy day when you were born..Heaven was crying 'cus it lost its most beautiful angel!

[ftvfatboy]

ROMANTIC STUFF

I'd like to run away From you, But if you didn't come And find me ... I would die.
>
>
Soul meets soul on lover's lips.
]>
>
I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.
>
>
You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.
>
>
To be in love is merely to be In a state of perpetual anesthesia: To mistake an ordinary young man for a Greek god Or an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

[ftvfatboy]

10 Excuses For Sleeping At Work

1. ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''

2. ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''

3. ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''

4. ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''

5. ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''

6. ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''

7. ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''

8. ''The coffee machine is broken...''

9. ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''
10. ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''

[ftvfatboy]

This young stud was at his favorite singles bar one night, looking over
the current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the bar,
an absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so. She was a real
stunner and even though he was used to scoring much younger chicks, he
figured that this babe could teach him a few tricks.


He went over and used one of his best pick up lines, the woman was VERY
receptive! So, in no time, after much small talk and a few drinks, they
are back at her hotel room, undressed and getting right off. And as he
takes one of her breasts in his mouth and sucks on it, he is rewarded
with a mouthful of warm sticky fluid.


"Hey," he said, "Aren't you a little old to be milking?"


"Yes," she replied, "But no too old for breast cancer!"

[ftvfatboy]

> A Lady Biker:
>
> A little old lady had always wanted to join a local
> biker club. One day she
> goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy,
> bearded biker with tattoos
> all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want
> to join your club."
> The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet
> certain biker requirements in
> order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a
> motorcycle?" The little old
> lady replies, "Yep....my bike's parked over there",
> and points to a Harley
> in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
> The little old lady
> replies, "Yep....drink like a fish. I'll drink any
> man in your club under
> the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?' The
> little old lady replies,
> "Yep....smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of
> cigarettes a day and a
> couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting
> pool." The biker is
> very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you
> ever been picked up by the
> fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and
> says, "Nope...but I've
> been swung around by the nipples a few times."
>
>
>

[ftvfatboy]

A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

[ftvfatboy]

Q) Which was the hottest place in Bangalore's Chinnaswami Stadium
for the past few days?
A) The seat Ganguly was sitting on while in the Pavilion.

Q) What is common to a 100 meter race and Ganguly's innings?
A): They both last the same time.

Q) How can you say "Get Out" to Ganguly politely?
A): Ask him to go to bat.

Q) If Rahul is "The Wall", what is Ganguly?
A): The hole in the wall.

Q) How can Ganguly save time every day?
A): By not bothering to pad up.

Q) Who is the only cricketer who does not bat, bowl or field and yet plays international cricket?
A): No comments.......

Q) Why has Saurav Ganguly been recommended as the fielding coach for India after retirement?
A): No one else can provide catches as easily as Ganguly.

Q): What is Ganguly's favorite movie?
A): Gone in 60 seconds.

Q) What is the Height of Optimism?
A): Ganguly applying sunscreen cream on his face when he goes out to bat.



Shoiab Akhtar admits Ganguly is faster and quicker than him. "I
haven't seen any one get out so fast. Man, I envy his speed. I am
quick but he is quickest," he says. "I think I should now cut my run up short when I bowl to him. Or else, he might be gone when I am half way through my run up."


Narain Karthikeyan to get some tips on Speed from Ganguly. His
sponsors have asked him to talk to the Prince of Kolkata. They are
also planning to endorse Ganguly.

Dinesh Karthick confesses that his skills in getting ready and
padded have improved a lot. As soon as Ganguly goes to bat, I know
there is very little time in getting ready. "I must have broken
world records a few times in this series," says the Indian
dimunitive wicketkeeper.

Railways keen on Ganguly: At least we'll have someone who comes
(back) before time. This will help them improve the image with the
Indian public.

Ganguly to donate all his bats to charity. "I don't require a bat
nowadays", said the Indian southpaw.



Dada Ganguly had been drinking too heavily before going to bat on
black Monday. He staggered up to John Wright and confessed that he
could see three of everything.
"Well," said John Wright, "when you get out there and the three
balls come towards you, just hit the middle one."
Later Ganguly weaved his way to the crease and you all know what
happened after that. He was just clean bowled soon.
When he made his way back, "What happened?" demanded John
Wright. "Didn't you try to hit the middle ball?"
"Izzzezzzzezzz Yeshhhh," replied Dada, "but I used the outside bat!"