A considerate husband...

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on, and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I go bowling.
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posted by Humor Cafe @ 3:19:15 PM 0 comments
A CONSIDERATE HUSBAND


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, go ahead, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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posted by Humor Cafe @ 3:16:30 PM 0 comments
Monday, October 24, 2005
WE HONOURABLE MEN

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank,and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out,the Lord again appeared and asked him,"Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story,and we're sticking to it! - "WE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!
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posted by Humor Cafe @ 7:50:46 AM 0 comments
Joke to start a day

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times have you cheated on your wife?"

The first one answers "Never!"
St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.

The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times."
He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way.

The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle.

A few months later, the three meet up . The Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
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posted by Humor Cafe @ 7:42:38 AM 0 comments
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Phone bill(office humor)



The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

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posted by Humor Cafe @ 8:06:15 PM 0 comments
Sexual Tension Quiz

Sexual Tension Quiz

What's on your mind these days? Is it in the gutter as usual? Let's find
out! (Answers Below)

A. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good.
(What Am I?)

B. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
Your tongue gets me off.
People sometimes lick my nuts.
(What Am I?)

C. I assist an erection.
Sometimes big balls hang from me.
I'm called a big swinger.
(What Am I?)

D. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
I wasn't maiden for long.
A big hard thing ripped me open.
(What Am I?)

E. You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
(What Am I?)

F. When I go in I cause pain.
I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole.
(What Am I?)

G. A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
(What Am I?)

H. All day long, it's in and out.
I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me.
(What Am I?)

I. I go in hard.
I come out soft.
You blow me hard.
(What Am I?)

J. If I miss, I hit your bush.
It's my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it's news.
(What Am I?)

K. I offer Protection.
I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off.
(What Am I?)

L. I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.
(What Am I?)

M. My business is briefs.
I am a cunning linguist.
I plead and plead for it.
(What Am I?)

N. I make some guys shoot in the air.
I usually have a little pecker.
I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
(What Am I?)




Answers:

A. Nose
B. Peanut Butter
C. Crane
D. Titanic
E. Tent
F. Dentist
G. Wedding Ring
H. Elevator
I. Chewing Gum
J. Newspaper Boy
K. Glove
L. Arrow
M. An attorney
N. Bird
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posted by Humor Cafe @ 8:05:20 PM 0 comments
Sunday, October 09, 2005
ZODIAC DATING

ZODIAC FEMALE DATING
================================================== ======================

How to date an Aries Female
March 21-April 20


If you want to keep dating an Aries female, take her on a hunting trip.
Bring an extra gun for her to shoot with. (Warning: she is capable of
shooting at you if pissed off!) Wear tight jeans, a red shirt and look
manly. Pick her up on a very loud motorcycle, but remind her you have a
private race car collection. Be Macho!

Do not talk about old girlfriends! Aries females must be the only "one".
Cooking isn't her goal in life, but adventure will get her attention! If you
act like a pushover, she'll lose interest, and look for another challenge.
Tell her she is really cool, and the most fun and exciting woman you were
ever with. (This will probably not be a lie.) She values honesty, don't
fabricate! Be careful, if this Aries female really likes you, she'll chase
you until she can propose to you. Aries females mean business and are not
recommended for timid men!


How to date A Taurus Female
April 21-May 21


If you are dating a Taurus female, take her to an expensive restaurant, rub
on your soft musk, wear your silk tie, and arrive in your chauffeur driven
car. If it is paid for, you may drop that subtlety in your conversation
during dinner. Taurus females prefer tender hugs and quiet candlelight
dinners at home, prepared by you.

She'll return the love by cooking for you at her home. When mentioning the
house you would like to build, make sure you tell her about the large garden
for the kids and dogs to play in. If you are serious about her, let her know
that it wouldn't be complete without a woman's touch. She will interpret
your comment and hint about a cute little 20 carat diamond she spotted at
the jewelers. Taurus females are warm and loving! (Unless you make her mad
or jealous. Don't tell her you spent your rent money to buy drugs.) Taurus
Females are security minded, and will stick by you!


How to date A Gemini Female
May 22 - June 21


If you are dating a Gemini female, arrive on your mountain bike built for
two. Ask her if she would like to ride over to the bar, and shoot a game of
pool, because a lot of your buddies hang out there and they are fun! If that
doesn't work, then suggest skating, a coffee shop, or hanging out at the
bookstore. Wear casual clothes and be prepared to talk a lot. Talk about the
fascinating people you know, the intellectual types preferably. Tell her
about the book you are going to write; have some original thoughts and be
inventive! Creativity ranks high on your Gemini female's list.

You'll never know what she is thinking. She is full of surprises. You can
take her to the neighborhood bar, or to the President's Reception. She won't
embarrass you. You can find out what she really thinks of you by locating
her journal, where all her secrets are kept.

Gemini females are not tidy, so it should be lying around in plain sight.
There's lots of time before an engagement ring is necessary. Gemini females
have to fall in love with your brain first!


How to Date A Cancer Female
June 22 - July 22


If you are dating a Cancer female, dine out for pizza, and afterwards take
her to Baskin Robbins. Be sure to call her mother and check on the kids.
She'll think you are really a nice guy. Dress casual, and drive a family
car, or mini-van. It's ok, if you got the kids from your last divorce that
won't stop her from dating you.

Offer to barbecue at her house and compliment her cooking. (That way you get

to come back for more.) Bring the family with you, Cancer females can take
it. Cancer females are very sensitive about everything near and dear to
them. Never say bad things about her family members-ever! They do possess
humor. Pay attention to all her handmade quilts and home crafts. Cancer
women are great homemakers. Let her know you like women with a "little meat"

on their bones. (They taste everything they cook...yummy!) If you are not
marriage minded, don't play games with Cancer women.



How To Date A Leo Female
July 23 - August 22


If you are dating a Leo female, take her to the movies, a concert, a fancy
stage-show, a plush restaurant. Getting the picture? She wants to be seen
out with you. If men notice her, she will love that. If you don't act a
little jealous, she will try harder to make you! She thinks jealousy is a
compliment. Bring her flowers, wear your gold chains, and wear something
that shows off those muscles you worked so hard to get. That will excite
her. Don't forget to splash on your Giorgio cologne. Tell her how much you
love long hair, and ask her if all that gorgeous hair is hers?

Compliment her constantly, and drive something sporty to show her off. A
convertible would be nice. Leo gals will get you noticed! When she
disappears on your dates, she is merely primping in the ladies room. Be
willing to fight for your Leo female, but don't take any crap from her. She
can start fights over nothing. Be prepared. You had better love her cats
too! She doesn't care if you are well read or educated, but do be suave,
polished and act like you know what you are doing. She will marry you, but
be prepared to take care of her sexually, financially, and emotionally. Leo
females are a handful, and remember, she can always get another man, so
treat her right.




How To Date A Virgo Female
August 23 - September 23


If you are dating a Virgo female, be on time when you arrive in your
Mercedes to take her out for health food. Borrow the car if you have to. Do
not pick her up in your unwashed car, with the baby car carrier. She isn't
interested in ready-made families. Wear the latest in fashion, and above
all, have a manicure. Virgo females notice everything! Have a degree, be a
professional, know everyone who is anyone. Exude confidence. Stay away from
the bar where you were thrown out! Do not have other girlfriends. Virgo
females are shy and sometimes aloof. That does not mean they don't like you.

It takes several dates for them to decide if they want you.

They are neat freaks, and don't want to pick up after you. Be toilet
trained! If you tell her you are going to do something at 6 pm, then do it.
Virgo females can drop you for little things like that. Don't quit trying,
if you care about her. They only love a handful of men, and you won't have
any competition. Just be real! Quality is important to female Virgos.
Virgo females are usually career minded, but they will marry.


How to Date A Libra Female
September 24 - October 23

If you are dating a Libra female, take her to a wine tasting, the theatre,
your Cousin's wedding, anyplace sociable. She likes elegance and beauty.
Dress in your Sunday best. Bring her flowers, cards and special little
feminine gifts. She'll be thoughtful too. Although Libra women are the
ultimate in fashion and femininity, they are big flirts. However, underneath

it all, they really want to be married to one darling man, who will romance
them eternally. Flirt back with her, she loves little games. You can fall in

love anytime you want to with her. Your car isn't as important, as how you
treat her. Gently please no conflict! Your Libra female probably won't have
children, but she will have her fluffy lap dog, everywhere you go. She isn't

the type to cheat on you, unless you forget about romance. Your occupation
isn't that important. Be sure to earn enough money to support her frequent
shopping trips to the mall. She loves to decorate, so step back at home. You

can do the outside domestic duties. You get to wash the car and mow the
lawn. When you propose to her, present her with your poetic love vows, and
promise to hire a maid for her. Libra females love to be married!




How to Date A Scorpio Female
October 24 - November 22

If you are dating a Scorpio female, be careful! Show up wearing black
clothes that fit you well. Arrive in your black car with the dark tinted
windows. She likes the dark places, so take her to the bars, a casino would
be fab! Don't tell her about the drugs you are on, she won't tell you about
hers either. There needs to be caution exercised here, because Scorpio's are

one of two extremes. One the saint; the other the sinner. The first type of
Scorpio is very religious, and does not smoke, drink, or do drugs. If you
are on a blind date, you will know which version you are dating. Neither
type is hung up on what you wear, but more how you wear it. Have sex appeal.

Be interested in occult matters, be deep. She won't offer you much
information about herself, you will have to guess. Scorpio females will pry
your whole life story out of you. To keep her interested, be hard to get.
You won't know if you are pleasing her, or where you stand. A fatal mistake
is to anger a Scorpio female.

Scorpio women will get you! She has a passionate nature and can have more
than one love interest. They are not usually domestic, nor want to be
involved with parenthood. She will put all of her intense energy into either

partying or getting to the top. Female Scorpio's are "all or nothing", even
when it comes to marriage.



How to Date A Sagittarius Female
November 23 - December 21

If you are dating a Sagittarius Female, be ready willing and able to go
anywhere. She loves sports and to travel. A perfect date would be an
overnight excursion to Mount Olympus, and skiing down the slopes for
breakfast. Pick her up in your jeep, or pickup truck, she won't mind your
dog either. Dress casual, and be able to tell her about an Indian Shaman you

know, who invited you to a tribal ceremony. She'll want to go with you.
Don't do the same things twice in a row. She won't care who you are dating,
because she has plenty of men friends. Sagittarius women can be ready for a
date on a moments notice. She'll be great at men's activities, like
softball, and eating the worm from a Tequila bottle. She will have been
everywhere! Sagittarius females are fun to be around. You can win her heart
with variety in your lovemaking. She isn't the type to spend time in the
kitchen or babysitting. Show her you want to be a companion in all of her
zany schemes. When she falls for you, she will ask you to do things with
her. Marriage is not on her mind, but she would marry you, if she felt you
were compatible enough. Sagittarius women love their freedom!



How to Date A Capricorn Female
December 22 - January 20 - Capricorn

If you are dating a Capricorn female, take her to dinner at the best
restaurant in town, arrive in a limousine with flowers. Dress in your
designer clothes, and be impeccable. Pinstripes and subtle scents arouse
her. Be successful at whatever you are undertaking. Let her know about it.
It's ok, to tell her you made two million last year. Don't be cheap. Tell
her you have been saving yourself for the right woman, and that you have
been working your buns off, to build your empire. Tell her you need someone
to share this big business burden with, and that your thoughts are about
expanding your business. Hint that a woman would be perfect as a manager in
your new expansion. She will be so intrigued, that she will offer you sound
business suggestions. She is SMART! Capricorn females won't compete with
you, they'll help climb the ladder. Don't forget about her. She loves
expensive presents with thought behind them. Her little "black book" is
filled with business appointments, not telephone numbers. Capricorn women
are almost always successful in whatever they undertake. They don't take
enough time to eat, so take her to lunch, dinner and your next corporate
meeting. Business thrills them. She may seem cold emotionally, but don't be
fooled. She has those sexual infernos, looking for a release! She does not
trust men entirely, so don't give her the bums rush, or you will be part of
the homeless. She would be a great wife to a success-oriented man. She can
entertain your clients, and friends.

Capricorn females, can be boss in marriage too. Be prepared to be
hen-pecked, if you are thinking marriage!


How to Date an Aquarius Female
January 21 - February 19

If you are dating an Aquarius female, arrive in your restored classic. Wear
a funky hat and clothes that shouldn't go together, but somehow do. Take her

to an out of the way coffee house, featuring jazz. Feel free to discuss
anything and everything. She is an intelligent listener, and will have some
bizarre insight of her own. You'll never truly understand her, so bring a
tape recorder for instant replay to sort it out later. Aquarius women are
unusual, not necessarily hippies, but aware of the entire globe. She won't
be ready to jump in the sack on the first date, she has to get to know you.
Be fascinating, tell her that you are going to Spain to run with the bulls.
Explain your philosophy on combining chemicals to combat radiation. Tell her

about your thesis which was published in the "International Who Dunnit
Magazine". Don't tell her you are in love with her too soon. You will know
when she has taken a strong liking to you. That is when your Aquarius female

will invite you to her abode.

Then you will see the real Aquarius female. There will be many unusual
pictures, and books. There is a story connected to all of her belongings.
When your Aquarius female commits to you, she will not necessarily be ready
for marriage. That is just her way of saying she likes you. You must have
like minds, or there will be no future Mrs. Anybody!


How to Date A Pisces Female
February 20 - March 20

If you are dating a Pisces female, take her to a psychic far, art gallery,
or out for cocktails. Don't take her to the animal shelter, or you will have

a new pet. You can wear anything you like, and you get to make all the
decisions. She prefers men with a passion about something. Music is one of
her favorites and dancing is definitely a must. If you can't dance, take
lessons. Pisces females don't care if you are good looking, just have a
heart. A sense of humor is an asset she has one too. She has no confidence
in herself, so support her in her dreams. She falls in love easily. Don't
promise her a rose garden, if you don't mean it.
When you go to the movies, take tissues. It does not matter what the movie
is about, she will inevitable cry, when something touches her. Pisces
females love everyone, even if they treated her badly. She hates to see
pain, but can drown in her own. Cheer her up, be a positive kind of guy, and

be romantic. Encourage her to not live in your shadow, but to have her own
life. Yes, your Pisces woman will marry you. Pisces females have a hard time

saying "No"!


ZODIAC MALE DATING
================================================== ======================


How to date an Aries Male
March 21-April 20


If you are dating an Aries male, allow him to decide where to go and what to

do. Let him know that you have never dated a man with such confidence and
brains. You can be the dumb blonde with this guy, he'll save you. If you are

out with him and you flirt with someone else, be prepared to call a cab to
get home. Aries males do like skin and cleavage, therefore, you could win
him back. It will not work a second time. He can argue with you, and when
you think you have won, he will still do it his way. He wants to chase you,
so let him do the calling and guesswork. Don't tell him you love him, until
he proposes. To catch this hot-blooded Aries man, give the Ram his head and
follow his lead. Everything is an adventure for an Aries male, including
marriage. Rest up!


How to date A Taurus Male
April 21-May 21


If you are dating a Taurus male, be prepared to watch lots of movies at his
home. His dog will eventually accept the two of you being together. A real
treat will be when he takes you out to dinner to a four star restaurant.
Taurus males will think you look great in forest green, however, they like
nudity above all. Taurus males have the cuddly teddy bear approach to love.
He will certainly have his arm around you, during the movies.

If you want to win his heart, get him a cold beer without him asking you. He

will of course apologize for his messy home. He would know he had your love,

if you surprised him by cleaning it up, and whipping up quick meals when he
brings his buddies over to watch the cricket match. He likes to take his own

sweet time, so don't push him. He is the marrying kind. Visualize Mr.
Taurus, watching television from his recliner, dog at his feet, a child
under each arm, complete with TV guide and beer can pyramid.


How to date A Gemini Male
May 22 - June 21


If you are dating a Gemini male, you can expect him to stand you up on your
first date, but if you are lucky, he will call, say he is running late, and
that the plans for the date have changed. Bring an overnight bag, he can get

carried away and forget that you need to go home. He will have the cutest
twinkling eyes, and you will forgive him. He will slightly ignore you in
public, as he always knows everyone, wherever he takes you, and speaks to
each one. Somehow, can't picture him in a tuxedo, going down the aisle.

Gemini males won't call you everyday. Gemini men are witty, fun, and can
play, play, and play! These men thrive in occupations where they can meet
the public, and talk. Gemini males are great as DJ's. If you want to catch
this guy, don't lean on him, don't get pregnant, or talk marriage. Be a
challenge, do your own thing and let your Gemini male chase you. It's ok to
date others.


How to Date A Cancer Male
June 22 - July 22


If you are dating a Cancer male, be prepared to go to trade shows and sales.

Of course, he will take you out to eat, at least on your first date. He is
pretty thrifty, so be sure you have a little stash of tip money in your
purse. Of course, if you want to pay for your own, that would be fine. Just
be yourself around him. Looks aren't that important to Cancer males, but do
know some fabulous recipes! Talk about your love of children. Display an
interest in his hobbies. Don't go into his garage, it will take the rest of
the century to go through all of his bargains. Your Cancer man will be
dating just you, and possibly his ex-wife. He is extremely stable, and loves

to eat. If you think you need to diet, he won't. He loves chesty women! You
will receive flowers from him, out of his garden, naturally. He will
remember all the holidays and treat you well. Tell him all your funny
stories, he likes to laugh. It's ok, to say you are pro marriage and to
openly discuss it. He's there for you. He knows how to treat women after
all, his best friend is his mother. When you marry a Cancer man, you get
them both!


How To Date A Leo Male
July23 - August 22

If you are dating a Leo male, he will take you to the best places for
dinner, shows, etc. He will lavish money on you, even if he does not
have it to spend. You can expect him to put the studley moves on you
ASAP, not to worry. Usually it is a game, to see if you are really
interested. He will impress you with his peacock strut, and the way he
puffs out his chest. If he can convince you that he is a great guy,
then he will be, otherwise, you will be pounced on by his cat like
nature. His favorite past-time is being waited on, breakfast in bed,
candlelight, movies, concerts, roses and your basic everyday
adoration. He is capable of a variety of occupations, but he likes to
be the boss the most. This includes home. Leo men can have temper
tantrums, if things don't go their way. It's ok, if you want to toss a
few things back his way, when he starts to roar. Stand up to him. Be
able to turn his roar into a purr. Always look good around him. Don't
admit you color your hair. Do sleep with your makeup on, and dress
sexy and feminine. He won't marry you otherwise. Leo males love the
chase, so let him! (Leo males will already have told you about all of
his other women.)


How To Date A Virgo Male
August 23 - September 23


If you are dating a Virgo male, go slowly. They hate to make mistakes. He
will take you out to nice clean respectable establishments, and go to the
movies with you. He does not go out dancing or rabble rousing with the guys.

He is a solitary person, whose social group is small. Virgo males are
inclined to computers, and the geeky stuff. However, he could balance your
checkbook for you. Do not dress like a slut. Be chic! Have no children from
previous marriages. Don't be too talkative. He shies away from party
animals. He wants to date someone with a purpose in life. Be interesting,
and invite him to your workplace.

He can visualize his name hyphenated after yours on the nameplate on your
desk. Virgo men can be workaholics. Virgo males are not usually sexually
promiscuous. Sex won't happen until you push for it, but be sure to have
your STD test results handy. He will marry you in time, lots of time, be
patient. Your Virgo male won't divorce you, once in love, it's for keeps!


How to Date A Libra Male
September 24 - October 23

If you are dating a Libra male, your first date will be in a romantic
restaurant, highlighted with a wonderful wine list. During dinner just smile

and be sweet. Libra men don't like vulgarity in any form. Dress tastefully,
and do use your flower scented perfume. He loves women who dress up, wear
jewelry, use makeup, and are happy being feminine. He is fascinated with
fantasy, including sexual fantasy. Don't discuss your recent love life, or
ex-husbands. He could care less about your children, or desire to have them.

Don't be argumentative. Libra males hate conflict. You can discuss your
latest painting, the last book you read, or what your plans are for interior

decorating.

Libra males love cozy fires, and sensuous females near it. Foreplay is a big

high for Libra males. He is not a wimp, by any means, although, he loves to
please! Yes, he would be your sex slave, provided you tease him a lot. At
work, he is a fair boss, but at home he loves to be used! Libra males will
stay in a bad marriage. Flirting gets them into trouble. Marriage is part of

his ultimate plan, just make certain he is single, when you decide to date
your Libra male.


How to Date A Scorpio Male
October 24 - November 22

If you are dating a Scorpio male, make sure you love secrets! He loves for
you to be sexy, and downright sleazy works for him too. He can make love to
you, and not be in love with you. His passion can fool women, don't mistake
it for love. Oftentimes, they are most in love when they can't possess or
own you. Jealousy is a big issue with him. He stays jealous. He does not
care what you do for an occupation, nor your financial status. Scorpio males

want to control you to conform to their ideas of living. So, if you aren't
strong in your own identity, then you will lose him. Scorpio males like the
challenge of ownership. They love you most when they can't have complete
control over you. Only the fearless need apply here.

One type of Scorpio will marry you and stay put and dominate the household,
whereas the other type will just disappear on you without warning or reason.

Be true to yourself with Scorpio males, and let your personality stay on
top!


How to Date A Sagittarius Male
November 23 - December 21

If you are dating a Sagittarius male, expect anything and everything. He is
not very reliable about schedules, dates, or you. Not in the beginning
anyway. He likes talkative women and female jocks. He wants a buddy to join
him in his pursuits. Most Sagittarius males are employed in sales/traveling
jobs. They can have a gal in every port. Let him tell you he is serious
about you first. Sagittarius males only get married when they have to, and
then they can't seem to stay married. They love the thrill and adventure of
chasing a woman, similar to their love of hunting, fishing, and sports. You
rank in there somewhere. You can get used to being a hunting widow, sports
widow, etc., with a Sagittarius male! You should love the same things he
does. Sagittarius men can be very funny and interesting. He will go to
restaurants, but throw out his suit and tie. Sagittarius males like their
comfort and the wide open spaces and places, and freedom with their women.
Make no mistake about it, he does love women, all of them. When your
Sagittarians heart goes out to you, he won't know what to do about it,
because he didn't expect to fall in love. If you live with him, he won't
find time to go down the aisle. Sagittarius men dread the thought of a being

confined to a suit and stared at by the wedding guests.

You will have to drag your Sagittarius male to the altar!


How to Date A Capricorn Male
December 22 - January 20 - Capricorn

If you are dating a Capricorn male, plan on doing most of the talking. He
will take you to places with class and ambience. He will pick you up in his
black, luxury car. You will be treated like a lady. Therefore, you should
let him open the doors, etc. Dress in style, but be sure you show some
cleavage. Still waters run deep with Capricorn males. Your first dates will
seem like business meetings, but eventually you will get to know him. He is
insecure about his emotions and likes to keep them under control. Of course,

he won't make this obvious. Compliment him on his achievements and he will
open up to you. He would be strict as a parent, and holds very traditional
beliefs about relationships. Don't be an airhead or aimless. He appreciates
a hard working woman, whom he can consider an equal. He does not know how to

play, so you will have to lighten him up with your humorous antics and fun
loving side. Once your Capricorn man commits, he will not leave you. Divorce

is a nasty word in his vocabulary. Capricorn males make good husbands and
breadwinners.

They are extravagant with gifts to those whom they love. Marriage will have
to be his idea, not yours!


How to Date an Aquarius Male
January 21 - Febraury 19

If you are dating an Aquarius male, consider yourself lucky to even get the
first date. Aquarius males don't date much. They prefer being observers,
hanging out on the scene. He would prefer to go to your house and have long
talks into the night, and possibly just stay over. He may tell you that he
just videotaped an erotica video featuring wild animals at the zoo with some

vacationing starlets. He may stay at your house, never cook or clean, but
just be there, when you come home from work. Then one day, without warning,
he will be gone. If he is employed, he can be quite selfish with his money.
He likes his freedom, in every way. Eventually he will call you, .expect
the unexpected with Aquarius. When Aquarius males fall in love, it is
usually with someone who is intellectual, self-sufficient, and childless.
Have a deep purpose or goal in life and he will be attracted to your dreams.

Aquarius males will marry, but they usually marry the wrong person the first

time, and shy away from second marriages. They love their mental freedom and

nagging won't change them.

He won't care what race you are, how much you weigh, etc. Mind altering
drugs can ruin an Aquarian male for marriage completely. If he is more
holistic, then he is searching for a soul mate. Love yourself and your
Aquarius male will too!


How to Date A Pisces Male
February 20 - March 20

Whoever coined the term "dream lover" must have been thinking of a Pisces
male, these guys often have their head in the clouds, playing with this
fantasy or that. Truth be told, can there be a better place for romance?
Once back to Earth, the shy Fish will pursue affairs of the heart slowly,
carefully and prettily, their aesthetic sensibilities as finely tuned as any

sign of the Zodiac. The magical mystery tour of romance with Pisces can be
most unpredictable, with hearts and flowers one day and games with veils the

next. Either way, he will definitely serve you as an idyllic. Pisces males
are seductive and romantic since there is hardly anywhere else they'd rather

be. Pisceans are interested in everything that isn't quite real: illusion
and
disillusionment, fantasy, drama, emotion, art, and spirituality. So any date

that involves the arts, from painting together to attending the theater,
will make your Pisces smile. Romance will be appreciated by this Sign, so
try a beach picnic with wine and cheese or high-tea in a garden. Whatever
you do, put a little magic into your date - creating the right mood will
romance your Piscean more than any money you spend.

Bring him to a book or poetry reading, go to the theater, go to a movie,
spend a day at the zoo, go swimming, play pool in a bar, go to the museum,
go to a cafe for coffee, or go to an aquarium. (I'd avoid the sushi bars if
I were you!)







posted by Humor Cafe @ 1:22:53 PM 0 comments
A Grim Fairy Tale

posted by Humor Cafe @ 10:55:00 AM 0 comments
Australopithecus spiff-arino (a long one, but worth it)

Australopithecus spiff-arino
-------------------------------

There's a guy who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with "scientific" names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Here is a letter from the Smithsonian Institute regarding his most recent submission.
-----------------------------
Paleobiology Division
Smithsonian Institute
PO Box 37012
SI Building, Room 153, MRC 010
Washington, DC 20013-7012
Dear (name withheld):
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie."
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loath to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in items of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy; however, I was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and "spiff-arino" doesn't really sound like Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your backyard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital, which you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positing fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive
crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

posted by Humor Cafe @ 10:15:00 AM 0 comments
AMITABH VS SANTA SINGH

Amitabh : Apka 13th question 25 lakh ke leye yeh raha apke samne..

Contestant Santa Singh is tensed.

Amitabh : Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan



ON Computer Screen:

A. Amitabh Bacchan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav

C. Azaruddin D. General Perverz Musharaff .

Amitabh : Apka kya jawab hai ? ( He is quite sure that Santa will opt for A)

But Santa is still confused.

Amitabh : Apke pas do life line hai..50:50 and phone a friend.

Santa: I think it is A, but am not sure.

Amitabh : Not sure... Hmmm ap kya karna chahenge?

Santa : I would like to use 50:50?

Amitabh: Ok computer , 2 galat javabo ko mita de..



Computer after deleting two names, leaves two options which are: -

B. Laloo Prasad Yadav.

C. Moh. Azharuddin.

Amitabh is confused and tensed thinks how come the computer has made this mistake But as is said in bollywood the show must go on.

Now Santa is confused.

Santa: I would like to use the last life line phone a friend..

Amitabh : Ap kisko phone karna chahenge?

Santa : "Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga...."


Amitabh Fainted !!!!!

And the call is now connected to Jayabachan and listen ......

Santa asked the question to Jaya.



Santa : " Jayaji , Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan ?


Jaya Bachan: Give me the options!!!!!!


posted by Humor Cafe @ 9:44:47 AM 0 comments
Password

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'p*nis'

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.

She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:

……….
…….
…..
….
…
..
.
.
.
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ...!!!!!!


posted by Humor Cafe @ 9:43:35 AM 0 comments
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Funny

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a
pregnancy test. The test is positive.

Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the b*stard
that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a
call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You'll do her again" !!!!!!!!

posted by Humor Cafe @ 9:52:00 PM 0 comments
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Definition of kiss


Prof .of Economics
Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.




Prof. of Accountancy
Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.




Prof. of Algebra
Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.




Prof. of Geometry

Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.





Prof. of Physics

Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.


Prof. of Chemistry
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.




Prof. of Zoology
Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.




Prof. of Physiology

Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.



Prof. of Dentistry

Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.



Prof. of Philosophy

Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.



Prof. of English

Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.





Prof. of Architecture

Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects



Prof. of Comp.Science What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable

posted by Humor Cafe @ 8:51:00 AM 1 comments
Friday, September 23, 2005
Ganguly Jokes

Q) Which was the hottest place in Bangalore's Chinnaswami Stadium
for the past few days?
A) The seat Ganguly was sitting on while in the Pavilion.

Q) What is common to a 100 meter race and Ganguly's innings?
A): They both last the same time.

Q) How can you say "Get Out" to Ganguly politely?
A): Ask him to go to bat.

Q) If Rahul is "The Wall", what is Ganguly?
A): The hole in the wall.

Q) How can Ganguly save time every day?
A): By not bothering to pad up.

Q) Who is the only cricketer who does not bat, bowl or field and yet plays international cricket?
A): No comments.......

Q) Why has Saurav Ganguly been recommended as the fielding coach for India after retirement?
A): No one else can provide catches as easily as Ganguly.

Q): What is Ganguly's favorite movie?
A): Gone in 60 seconds.

Q) What is the Height of Optimism?
A): Ganguly applying sunscreen cream on his face when he goes out to bat.



Shoiab Akhtar admits Ganguly is faster and quicker than him. "I
haven't seen any one get out so fast. Man, I envy his speed. I am
quick but he is quickest," he says. "I think I should now cut my run up short when I bowl to him. Or else, he might be gone when I am half way through my run up."


Narain Karthikeyan to get some tips on Speed from Ganguly. His
sponsors have asked him to talk to the Prince of Kolkata. They are
also planning to endorse Ganguly.

Dinesh Karthick confesses that his skills in getting ready and
padded have improved a lot. As soon as Ganguly goes to bat, I know
there is very little time in getting ready. "I must have broken
world records a few times in this series," says the Indian
dimunitive wicketkeeper.

Railways keen on Ganguly: At least we'll have someone who comes
(back) before time. This will help them improve the image with the
Indian public.

Ganguly to donate all his bats to charity. "I don't require a bat
nowadays", said the Indian southpaw.



Dada Ganguly had been drinking too heavily before going to bat on
black Monday. He staggered up to John Wright and confessed that he
could see three of everything.
"Well," said John Wright, "when you get out there and the three
balls come towards you, just hit the middle one."
Later Ganguly weaved his way to the crease and you all know what
happened after that. He was just clean bowled soon.
When he made his way back, "What happened?" demanded John
Wright. "Didn't you try to hit the middle ball?"
"Izzzezzzzezzz Yeshhhh," replied Dada, "but I used the outside bat!"

posted by Humor Cafe @ 2:41:00 PM 0 comments
KEYS TO BUSINESS SUCCESS

KEYS TO BUSINESS SUCCESS
------------------------


1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. Peoplewith documents in their hands look like hardworking employeesheading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands looklike they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper intheir hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, makesure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generatingthe false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it lookslike work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personale-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doinganything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societalbenefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected butthey're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you willget caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself touse the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're nota loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what youlearned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightenedsalamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For therest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build hugepiles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year'swork looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile themhigh and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury thedocument you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage forit when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. Peopledon't call you just because they want to give you something fornothing--they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's toway to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebodyleaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work,respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking andconscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If youdiligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and thenreturning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase theodds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involveyou.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my lastmessage. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit onthe number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limitfrequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incomingmessages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Yourcallers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, thismailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee inhigh demand.


posted by Humor Cafe @ 2:17:00 PM 0 comments