JOKE TIME BUDDIES (PART 3)

[ftvfatboy]

The man dictionary

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST
THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the
corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the
address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the
corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb,
but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what
you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it
well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one
more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[ftvfatboy]

Going to the bar

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new bride, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going coochi cooh...?" asks his wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." replies the husband. The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love...?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries.The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: "Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar ... you know ... the frozen glass." He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face...?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll. But at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hoer's de devours poochi pooh..?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours ... chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." replies the husband in desparation. "You want dirty words cutie pie...? HERE! DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR DAMN HOER'S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ASSHOLE!

[ftvfatboy]

Modems beat women

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".

When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.

A modem won't say a word if you come home late.

A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.

A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.

You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.

A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.

A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.

You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.

Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

[ftvfatboy]

Great to be a woman

Reason's why it's great to be a woman

Free drinks.

Free dinners.

Free movies.

Speeding ticket? What's that?

New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.

If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.

You can sleep your way to the top.

You can sue the President for sexual harassment.

It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

Brad Pitt.

No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

You have the ability to dress yourself.

If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

You can quickly end any fight by crying.

Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.

You've never had a goatee.

You'll never regret piercing your ears.

You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

[ftvfatboy]

ducation for women

Continuing Education Courses for Women

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

Introduction to Parking.

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

Water retention: Fact or Fat.

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

Ballet: For Women Only.

Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

"Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.

TV Remotes: For Men Only.

[ftvfatboy]

Women seeking men

40-ish means: 48

Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Affectionate means: Possessive

Artist means: Unreliable

Average looking means: You figure this one out

Beautiful means: Pathological liar

Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!

Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise

Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin

Educated means: College dropout

Emotionally Secure means: Medicated

Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian

Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street

Free spirit means: Substance abuser

Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun means: Annoying

Gentle means: Comatose

Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her

Humorous means: Caustic

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Light drinker means: Lush

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel means: If you're paying

Loves Animals means: Cat lady

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Open-minded means: Desperate

Outgoing means: Loud

Passionate means: Loud

Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic

Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Reliable means: Frumpy

Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out

Romantic means: Looks better by candle light

Self-employed means: Jobless

Smart means: Insipid

Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows

Spiritual means: Involved with a cult

Stable means: Boring

Tall, thin means: Anorexic

Tan means: Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking

Widow Nagged means: first husband to death

Writer means: Pompous

Young at heart means: How about the rest

[ftvfatboy]

The bum on a street

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

[ftvfatboy]

Discussing finances

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

[ftvfatboy]

A stolen credit card

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

[ftvfatboy]

Seminars for women

In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status.

The following courses will be offered:

General Education:

GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges

GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")

GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One

GE104: How to Parallel Park

GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity

GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps

GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

Home Economics:

HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature

HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely

HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely

HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely

HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")

HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:

IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation

IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby

IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)

IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce

IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")

IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")