Politically Correct Office Communication

To All Employees

It has been brought to the management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees.

Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The management does however realize the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, management has compiled the following code phrases, so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

Old Phrase New Phrase

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No fucking way. I’m not certain that’s feasible.

You’ve gotta be shitting me. Really?

Tell someone who gives a fuck. Perhaps you should check with...

Ask me if I give a fuck. Of course I’m concerned.

What the fuck... I wasn’t involved with that project.

Fuck it. It won’t work. Interesting behavior.

Who the fuck cares? Are you sure it’s a problem?

He’s got his head up his ass. He’s not familiar with the problem.

Eat shit. You don’t say?

Eat shit and die. Excuse me?

Eat shit and die, motherfucker. Excuse me, sir?

Kiss my ass. So you like my help with it?

Fuck it. I’m on salary. I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

Shove it up your ass. I don’t think you understand.

This job sucks. I love a challenge.

Who the hell died and made you boss? You want *me* to take care of *this*?

Blow me. I see.

Blow yourself. Do you see?

Another fucking meeting. Yes, we should discuss this.

I really don’t give a shit. I don’t think that it will be a problem.

Why the fuck didn’t you see me sooner? I’ll try to schedule this sooner.

When the fuck am I supposed to do this? Perhaps I can work late.

Fuck you How nice, how very nice.