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There is a couple, both really fat, the wife fatter than the husband one day, mom is giving a bath
son:mummy mummy, what’s that(pointing to her tummy)
mom:my dear its a pot
son:how much does it cost
mom:$2
Next day husband is giving bath to his son.
Son: Daddy Daddy, is that a pot too
dad:yes it is
son:how much does it cost
dad:$5
son(confused) : how come your pot is smaller but costs more
dad(sheepish):my boy, your mom has a crack under her pot while i have a tap underneath.
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The cold war between US and USSR resulted in a system where if USA launched a Nuke-loaded missile, USSR’s satellite were capable of informing the USSR army in 3 seconds, and in less than 45 seconds USSR would launch its counter-missile. US knew that and therefore never attempted to launch one.
INDO-PAK War......
Pak army decides to launch a Nuke-missile towards India... They don’t need any permission from their government, and promptly launch the missile.
Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 seconds, the Indian army detects it and decides to launch a missile in retaliation. But they need permission from the Government of India. They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet.
The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session after three days. When the LS meets, there are several walk-outs and severe protests by the opposition, so it is adjourned indefintely. However, the President asks for a quick decision.
The Pak missile, meanwhile, failed to take off due to unknown reasons. Their attempts for a launch are still on.
Meanwhile, the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because an outside party withdraws support. The President asks the PM to prove majority next week. The ruling party is unable to get a confidence vote, and a caretaker government is installed.
The acting PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch the Nuclear Missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker Government cannot take such a decision because elections are at the door and this decision will affect the swing of votes in the election. A public interest litigation (PIL) is filed in the supreme court of India, alleging misuse of power by the Election commission. Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says acting PM is authorized to take this decision.
In between all this, one of the Pak missiles successfully takes off, and falls 367 miles away from the target. The Missile falls on a government building at 11:00 AM. But since no employees have reached work, there are no casualties.
The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China. US condemns use of a nuclear missile by Pakistan, and offers to send its seventh fleet to the Indian Ocean. The Indian government, wary of the move, declines.
Finally, the Indian government decides to launch a nuclear missile, after convening an all party meeting. It’s been three months since the army first sought permission. Pro-humanity, anti-nuclear activists come on board against
the government’s decision. Human chains are being made in New York, LA and Washington for peace. Indians are sending protest email requesting that it be "forwarded to as many Indians as possible".
On the Pakistan side, missiles keep failing. At times they fail to take-off, at other times the payload gets detached from the missile during flight. Some missiles deviate from target due to high-speed winds blowing over Rajasthan,
and have to be neutralized by Pakistan, as these missiles are now moving backwards towards Karachi.
Finally, a missile smuggled from USA is used. The Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, so it hits its original destination: Russia.
Russians successfully intercept the missile and in retaliation, launch a Nuclear missile towards Islamabad.
The missile hit the target and creates havoc. Pakistan cries for help. It asks for loans from IMF and the world bank. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of soap.
The War ends.
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Once upon a time there was an indian (he was a cricket fan) India was playing a match at wankhede stadium, but on the same day his wife was having a delivery he had no wishes of missing the match so he decided to watch the match and visit his wife later on.
The match began, two quick wickets fell.the fan was dissappointed and he remembered his wife he picked up the phone and quickly dialed number.
He wanted to call the hospital but accidently called up the stadium, he asked the man on the other end thinking him to be the doctor "so what’s the result?"
The man replied "It’s still in process, two are out nine are left and the last one was a duck!"
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This happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala, and even though it sounds like something out of the X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... it’s real !
This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery.
The inevitable happens and when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he’s stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human abitation.
It’s dark and raining and pretty soon he’s wet and shivering.
The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him.
It slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opens the car’s door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes! There is nobody behind the wheel!!
Even though there’s no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop beyond the curve).
Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.
He hasn’t come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel!
The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.
Finally, the guy sees lights ahead.
Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights.
It’s a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dha! bba, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some hooch and give him a shot, he starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he’s just been through.
A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn’t drunk, and is really frightened he’s crying and shaking.
So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the Cops or find a priest, or what.
But just then two guys (santa & banta) walk into the dhabba, and one says to the other "Look, Banta that’s the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it."
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There were three young priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their member.
A belly dancer entered the room and started slinking around the first priest. "Ting-a-ling" The chief priest said, "oh Patrick, I’m disappointed, you have failed, go and take a cold shower.
The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy, when the chief priest heard, "Ting-a-ling" Robert, I’m very disappointed. You can’t resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a cold shower, said the chief priest.
The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of, but no bell rang !! John, I’m delighted. You’ve passed ! You can resist the temptation of a woman. Now, go and relax and take a shower with Patrick and Robert. "Ting-a-ling," "Ting-a-ling," "Ting-a-ling"
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I have a dog his name is "Sex" I don’t know what got over me, when I named him but that’s what I call him.
He’s a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to the city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I’d like one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn’t care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do." I said, "Look, you don’t seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said,"Funny--I have the same problem."
One day I entered Sex in a dog contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don’t understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV."
"Now that is all over cable."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said, "The courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.
He said, "Me, too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up Friday.
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Bush Quotes
George W. Bush’s reputation isn’t in having a stellar command of the English language. Here are some examples to concrete this reputation.
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
...George W. Bush, Jr.
"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush, Jr.
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97
"I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95
"We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
"[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.
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Traffic Jam!
A major traffic jam was preventing people from moving forward people have been stuck for around 10 mins. A motorist shouted out wanting to know what was happening. A guy from the front replied, ’Well at the traffic crossing Laloo Yadav is sprawled across the road. He is refusing to move from there!’
’But why?’
’He has lost the elections and will now surely be convicted for corruption and will have to pay lakhs of Rupees as fines! He is threatening to douse himself with kerosene and set himself on fire if people didn’t contribute with money to help him pay the fine!’
’So how much has been collected so far?’
’Six hundred litres in 10 mins!’
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Banta’s wife, Preeto, goes to England to attend a two-week, company training session. Banta drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
Preeto answers, ’Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?’
Banta laughs and says, ’An English girl !!!
Preeto kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later Banta picks her up in the airport and asks, ’So, honey, how was the trip?’
’Very good, thank you.’
’And, what happened to my present?’
’Which present?’
’What I asked for, the English girl?!’
Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl !!!
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Husband’s Intelligence
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving."
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