Hillarious Come in and Njoy this Festival.Best Jokes(PART 2)

[solksjaer15]

Santa Singh accidentally locked his keys inside his car. He called a mechanic - Banta Singh who arrived and said, "Give me ten minutes and Ill have everything worked out."

Santa went back inside his house and came back after a few minutes. He found Banta working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As Santa watched from the passengers side, he instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," Santa announced to the mechanic, "Its open!"

"I know," answered Banta. "I already opened that side."

[solksjaer15]

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, "it says here, ’answer the following questions in brief’."

[solksjaer15]

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, then finally married one of the girls...

Can you guess who did he marry?

He married the one with the biggest breasts!

[solksjaer15]

Santa & Preeto in farm !

Santa Singh and his wife Preeto were living in Assam on a farm up in the hills.

One day, Santa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Preeto that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.

Preeto says, "Why don’t you go ask Banta down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college graduate."

So Santa drives down to the neighbor Banta’s house and asks him, "Mr. College graduate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it."

Banta tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the shit all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Santa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Preeto comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!

Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM..! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading shit all over the farm.

WHAM..! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Santa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, " Preeto, are you all right...??!!"

As she pulls herself up she says..."Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen."

[solksjaer15]

Super Deluxe Model !

An Italian was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still has a problem. He has to have his penis amputated. He goes to see the doctor and the doctor reassures him that he can help him.

"First of all you have to pick a new penis" says the doctor. The doctor picks up a box from his table and says "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee.

The man says, "Ok. What’s in the other box?"

"This is our 10 inch super model. 10 inches of muscle to please any women. But for this you have to pay $10,000!!"

The man says, "Oh yea, that’s the one I want. My wife will love me forever. Well what’s in that other box?"

The doctor picks up yet another box from his desk.

"This is our super deluxe model. It’s 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you gotta pay $12,000 for it!"

The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink, "Doc, that’s it, that’s the one for me. I’ll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?"

"Yes sir."

Then the man says he has just one more question. "Does it come in white?"

[pH]

Very Good Collection
Thanks for sharing dude

[solksjaer15]

A tourist from Hong Kong walks into a Sydney Exchange Bureau with HK$900 and asks for A$. The teller checks the day’s rate, and hands over A$120. The grateful tourist says, "Thank Velly mutch! Velly kind!" and walks off to Kings Cross.

The next day, the Hong Kong guy goes back, with another HK$900 and hands it over. The teller checks the rate, and hands over A$135. The Hong Kong guy is very happy, and quickly pockets the cash and disappears, chortling to himself, "This Aussie velly bad math. Ha, ha, ha, ha."

The following day he returns, again clutching HK$900 in crumpled notes. He hands it over to the nonchalant teller, who checks the rate, and hands over A$96.

The Hong Kong guy does a double take, recounts the notes, and fixes the teller with an incredulous stare. "Hey, Terrer, yesterday I come wif money, you give many many dorrar, ormos’ One-hun’red-firty-five! Day before, you gif one-hun’red-twenny, Today you give onry nin’ey-six. Why you do to me like this?"

The teller replies calmly, "Fluctuations Sir."

The tourist screams back, "Fluck You Aussies Too!"

[solksjaer15]

Its Christmas Eve. Kelly walks into a bar and orders beer and a shot of whiskey. The bartender gives him a beer and a shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks his beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his shirt pocket. Kelly orders another beer and another shot of whiskey. Kelly drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into his pocket. The bartender says, "Look, Mac, its Christmas Eve, and I know were both depressed, and I certainly dont mean to bug you, but my curiosity is *killing* me. Why do you keep pouring the shots in your pocket?" Kelly says, "Its none of your damn business! And if you be givin me a hard time, Ill be breakin yer face!" A mouse pops out of Kellys shirt pocket and says, "And that goes for your stupid *cat* , too!"

[solksjaer15]

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy manufacturer. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her ability. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take any position. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.

The "Tickle me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting and raving about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggests he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says "I’m sorry - I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

[solksjaer15]

Santa was hard up for money, so he walked around his neighborhood, trying to find a job. He met a nice American who said he would give him work and pay $100. All he had to do was paint his porch white. He gave Santa a bucket of paint and walked into his house, laughing. He told his wife what he had done.

"Frank, our porch covers half of the house! Youre so mean." his wife replied.

One hour later, Santa went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man. The astonished man handed him a $100 bill, and asked how he finished it so quickly.

"It takes time, but it was easy!" replied Santa Singh, "Oh, and its a Ferrari, not a Porsche."