10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a
magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same
font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like
your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout
and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,
rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm
and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you
leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded
into a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an
oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing
in every orifice.

and the NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart . . .

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your
temple.