My Jokes!!!

[liddy.bizhat.com]

The Kid in the Red Shirt

Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched
his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of
the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of
boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman,
wasn't around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just
how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.

The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and
sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his
nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile
of boxes.

Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young
man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"

The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty
dollars," he said.

Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash
box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get out! Don't let me see
you around here again!"

The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.

Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any other
feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Swiller
was red with anger. "That idler in front of your office," Swiller
said, "I just gave him a week's pay and fired him. What's the matter
with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?"

"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.

"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!" barked Swiller.

"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch," George
said. "He works for the coffee shop around the corner."

[liddy.bizhat.com]

Shoe Repair

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came
across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on
the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both
laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to
pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the
counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute.
I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at
the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have
thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready
Thursday," he said calmly.

[liddy.bizhat.com]

George The Mailman

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 30 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led
him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up
the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar
bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was
just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'
The breakfast was my idea."

[liddy.bizhat.com]

GLOSSARY OF SOFTWARE ENGINEERING PRODUCT TERMINOLOGY

NEW: Different colors from previous version.

ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.

UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.

ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.

NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.

BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoestring budget.

UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.

UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

[liddy.bizhat.com]

As They Get Old ...

- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

[liddy.bizhat.com]

During a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along

the beach in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing an Aqua & Orange

'Dolphin's' jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Buffalo Bill's jerseys. One quickly

fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Dolphin fan from the

water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.

Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he said.

"I have been told
about there being bad blood between Bill's and Dolphin's but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing. Is the

bait holding up O.K., or
do we need to get another one?"

[liddy.bizhat.com]

10 SIGNS YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each
other.

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

7. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the
stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

8. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

10. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

[liddy.bizhat.com]

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you
any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend, you are *almost* as good as a dog!

[liddy.bizhat.com]

Sleeping Late

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the
assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"

"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and
then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I
made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I
put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning
feeling like a bull, I'll tell you."

"I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."

So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made
love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a
third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.

He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and
ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.

"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty
years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty
minutes against me now, are you?"

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday
and Wednesday?

[liddy.bizhat.com]

Discipline Dilemma

One day Steve's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a
bondage/S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her...

She hid the magazine until his father got home.

When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the
magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's
closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

Several seconds passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should
we do about this?"

Steve's dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think we should
spank him."