Jokes by Aramannie

[aramannie]

ok.. so.. i'm done w/ the couple jokes... (although some more are yet to come ;) ) ... now DOCTOR jokes:D

[aramannie]

Most of the jokes are already posted somewhere in this forum
I've read them but cant remeber the thread
Nice try but

i did mention that some of the jokes might be posted anywhere.. i don't claim them to be mines... i simply have a collection and would like to share.. thanks:d

[aramannie]

3-DOCTOR PLANS
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have u done anythg yet?
"Yea, I shaved w/ the electric razor."

Doctor: “U look so weak & exhausted! Are u having ur meals three times a day as I advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought u said three males a day

"Doctor, Doctor, u've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do u drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, & her contractions are 2 minutess apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, u idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Doctor: I have some bad news & some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news 1st.
Doctor: The lab called w/ ur test results. They said u have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach u since yesterday.

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Soon, the doctor comes out w/ the results.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. u're dying & u don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
DOCTOR: "Where are u hurting?" asked the doctor.
WOMAN "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
DOCTOR:"What do u mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
WOMAN: (she touches her right knee w/ her index) "Ow, that hurts." (she touches again her left cheek) "Ouch! That hurts, too." (she touched her right earlobe) "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment & told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

PATIENT: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
DOCTOR: "100%. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease u have. urs is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

[aramannie]

<u> Thgs u don’t want to hear during surgery</u>
oops! Has any 1 seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can't remember when I’ve been that drunk
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is ur manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back w/ that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that …um… that um… thgy, I can’t remember how they called it on ER last week, but luckily I remember how they did it.
Hey, has any 1 ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again.
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got 2 of em’ .
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could u stop that thg from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile…schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
What do u mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
What do u mean, he's not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
I don't know what it is, but hurry up & pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hev Charlie- unzip the bag on that 1- he's still moving
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I’ve performed this operation before, Nurse?!!!!?!
Fire! FIRE! Every 1 out!!!!

[pH]

good jokes thanks for sharing dude

[aramannie]

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class.....but she belonged to someone else....
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a R1000 if you let me screw you....
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for R2000, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down.
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to
call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....

She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"

[aramannie]

HAPPINESS
To b happy w/ a man, u must understand him a lot & love him a little.
To b happy w/ a woman, u must love her a lot & not try 2 understand her @ all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men r a lot more willing 2 die.

PROPENSITY 2 CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, & she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anythg a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW 2 STOP PPL FROM BUGGING U ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used 2 come up 2 me @ weddings, poking me in the ribs & cackle " u're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thg 2 them @ funerals

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is 1 who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is 1 who can find such a man.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 4 a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 4 a $2 item that she doesn't need.

[aramannie]

Oh.. btw.. i'm a girl... ALOOOOOOOOOo.. so don't dude me please... :D

[aramannie]

<u>5-INTERNATIONAL NEWS</u>
Several aftershocks shook up Southern California desert areas recently. This is what ppl here like 2 call earthquake weather, which is not 2 b confused w/ fire weather, urban riot weather or drive by shooting weather.

An LA man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller & led police on a 5 m/h chase until an officer stepped aboard & brought the vehicle 2 a stop

When 2 service station attendants in Michigan, refused 2 hand over the cash 2 an intoxicated robber, the man threatened 2 call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police & was arrested.

Police in Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head & connecting it w/ wires 2 a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, & police pressed the copy button when they thought the suspect was lying. Believing the "lie detector" was working, he confessed

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 3 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript 2 b copied, only 2 have it reduced to 250,000 strips of paper in secs when a worker confused the copier w/ the shredder.

A bus carrying 5 passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, 14 pedestrians had boarded the bus & had begun 2 complain of whiplash injuries & back pain.

The Chico, Ca, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine 4 any1 detonating 1 within city limits.

The US Postal Service has introduced the 1st triangular stamps. They look nice, but... letters w/ the stamp addressed 2 the Bermuda triangle, mysteriously disappear.

Police in Kansas arrested a 22-year-old man @ an airport hotel after he tried 2 pass 2 (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in South Africa shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while they practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying 2 continue its 5-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed @ encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. The film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that 25 workers suffered minor injuries in their rush 2 leave the room. 13 others fainted, & 1 man required 7 stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

[aramannie]

An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating there 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was falling asleep,but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to go back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite me on my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
He answered, "To get my teeth!"



WIFE VS. HUSBAND:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain:
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.