Drinker's Fault Finding Guide


Symptom:
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault:
Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution:
Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.



Symptom:
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault:
Glass is empty.

Solution:
Find someone who will buy you another pint.



Symptom:
Room is spinning.

Fault:
Somebody is spinning your barstool.

Solution:
Vomit on person doing the spinning.



Symptom:
Feet cold and wet.

Fault:
Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution:
Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.



Symptom:
Feet warm and wet.

Fault:
Loss of self-control.

Solution:
Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.



Symptom:
Lap cool and wet.

Fault:
Drooling on yourself.

Solution:
Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.



Symptom:
Bar blurred.

Fault:
You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution:
Find someone who will buy you another pint.



Symptom:
Bar moving.

Fault:
You are being carried out.

Solution:
Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.



Symptom:
Bar looks like a circus.

Fault:
You're at a circus.

Solution:
Go to a bar.



Symptom:
The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault:
You have fallen over backwards.

Solution:
If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.



Symptom:
Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault:
You have fallen over forwards.

Solution:
Same as for falling over backwards.



Symptom:
Everything has gone dim.

Fault:
The pub is closing.

Solution:
PANIC!