Drinking jokes

[COPTICCIN]

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH



My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING ...
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."

My Mother taught me ESP ...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX ...
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS ...
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS ...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE ...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

[COPTICCIN]

LIGHTS OUT FOR THE CAMERONS
Copyright 2000 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com



The Cameron children are the sort of kids who really light up a room, and then are content to leave it lit until all the electricity in the country has flowed through our circuits and out into the night. I'm developing carpal tunnel syndrome from the repetitive motion of turning off the lights after them, and can't understand how they could possibly fail to notice a blazing light bulb, for crying out loud. When I walk into the house in the evenings, every single room is as brilliantly lit as a hospital operating theater. The little wheel that measures the electricity sluicing through my home spins inside its glass case like a CD player, and no one can walk within 100 feet of my yard without casting a shadow. It looks like the grand opening of a sporting goods store.

My teenagers are the worst. Not only do they require every bulb to be lit, but they can often be found in front of the television, the phone to their ears, the stereo blaring in the background. "I'm doing homework," they'll protest when I ask them to choose between one of the appliances. They use this as their universal alibi for everything. If I were to catch them in the middle of an armed robbery, I'm sure they would claim it was for a school assignment.

I've tried to explain to my family that as responsible Americans, we all need to preserve precious natural resources like the W. Bruce Cameron bank account. "I have no desire to have the nation's next nuclear reactor named after me," I advise them, but they don't seem to get it. It makes me wonder whether the power company isn't paying them off after school.

Let's be reasonable. The furniture hasn't moved. There are no falling objects in the living room. We don't need to turn on the lights unless there is something special we want to look at.

"But we have to do our homework!" my children protest.

"Remember Abe Lincoln?" I challenge them.

"No," they respond, "We don't remember Abe Lincoln because you won't let us turn on the lights so we can study."

"Very funny. Abe Lincoln never had electric lights. He studied in front of a fireplace, doing math by writing numbers on a shovel."

"You mean his teachers let him turn in homework written on a SHOVEL?" My son laughs, delighted.

"Also," I recall from some book I read once, "he held his brother up to the ceiling to make footprints or something."

"What was that, gym class?"

"The point is, we have to reduce our use of electricity."

"Which is why your father is giving up watching sports on the television," my wife chimes in.

I give her a stern look. "Let's stay focused on what we're interested in, which is what I'm saying," I admonish her. It is a primary tenet of good parenting that parents should be unified when it comes to matters of my policy.

"Also, whenever the thermostat is set above hypothermia, we have to turn it down," she cautions. "And children, you will all need to learn Braille so you'll be able to read in the dark. Showers will be limited to seven seconds--if you can't wash your hair in that time, there's always the hose." She smiles sweetly at me. "Oh, and I'm going to the store tomorrow--tell me how much homework you have so I'll know how many garden tools to pick up."

"Instead of listening to music on the stereo, we should all just sing!" my son suggests.

"There's no sense in using the telephone when you can shout," my daughter affirms.

"Flushing toilets more than once a month is an extravagance!" they hoot. "Never open the refrigerator! Doing laundry is communist!"

Well, there's no point trying to reason with them--they're laughing too hard to pay attention. "As soon as you're finished I'll begin passing out punishments," I state menacingly.

"What are you going to do, make us sit in the dark?" my daughter shrieks, holding her sides.

Half an hour later, when I stroll in to check on the thermostat and turn off a few of the lights, they're still laughing.

[COPTICCIN]

CUSTOMS INSPECTION



After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

[COPTICCIN]

MOTHER SAYS



Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small sampling:


PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

[COPTICCIN]

PUNISHMENT TO FIT THE CRIME



One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[COPTICCIN]

A TEENAGER IS...



- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

- A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

- Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

- A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.

- A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.

- An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.

- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

- A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

- A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

[COPTICCIN]

HAM SANDWICH



As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard!

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

[COPTICCIN]

FAMILY HISTORY



One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

[COPTICCIN]

NEW AGE LULLABY



Hush little baby don't you squall
Momma's gonna buy you a crystal ball.

And if you still can't see beyond
Momma's gonna buy you a magic wand.

And if that wand don't change your fate
Momma's gonna teach you to levitate.

And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma's gonna buy you an incense stick.

And if that patchouli smells too rank
She'll buy you a sensory deprivation tank.

And if that tank don't float your bones
Momma's gonna buy you some precious stones.

And if those gems don't ease your heart
Momma's gonna buy you a natal chart.

And if your planets go berserk
Momma's gonna buy you some bodywork.

And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma's gonna buy you a past life reading.

And if your destiny stays hid
Momma's gonna buy you a pyramid.

And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma's gonna take you on a vision quest.

And if power animals don't come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it's just your karma.

[COPTICCIN]

MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS



1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.