Drinking jokes

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TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE



10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

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SIGNS YOU PUT YOUR KID IN THE WRONG PRE-SCHOOL



* Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of "Lord of the Flies."

* Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some waterpaints, and no pants.

* "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!"

* Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.

* No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA.

* Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure.

* Leather-clad teacher announces that today's letters are S and M.

* The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.

* She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.

* Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.

* For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato.

* "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies.

* The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps getting into my tequila."

* On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos."

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THE INHERITANCE



Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"I'd like that."

"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

"The how come you look so glum?"

"This week - nothing!"

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SONS



Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the restroom. Three guys are left... The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first three explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his birthday."

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THE FISHERMAN'S SONS



One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their good-byes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

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FAMILY STRESS TEST



How to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then "we can talk."

2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ___ The cat is on Valium.

4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

7. ___ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

8. ___ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

9. ___ You have to check your kid's day-planner to see if he can take out the trash.

10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.

How you rate:
30 - A perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.
10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0- 9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

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A MOUTH FULL



A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call."

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CAMP NO-NO'S



Here's a list of camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:

Tommy Lee's Camp Kickachick

Monica Lewinsky's Camp Suckaweewee

President Clinton's Camp Getahoochie

Ellen DeGeneres's Camp Lickacoochie

Kenneth Star's Camp Catchacrook

O.J. Simpson's Camp Killachick

Lorena Bobbit's Camp Cutaweewee

Tonya Harding's Camp Clubaknee

Susan Smith's Camp Blameabrotha

Pamela Lee's Camp Lottatatas

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NAMING THE BABIES



A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation,

"Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!

What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."

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PARTING WORDS



Three buddies are sitting around talking one day when they begin to discuss what they would like their friends and families to say about them as they're laying in their caskets at their funerals.

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!! HE'S MOVING!!!"