Drinking jokes

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Disaster
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

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Enjoy them now
A father whose childrent were grown older, He would love to tell younger parents "Enjoy your children now. It's a short time between crappy diapers to a crappy attitude."

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Father Unknown
Three mistresses were bragging about their posterities. The first woman proudly says "My child is the part of a great royal family of noble rich blood."

The second mistress is not to be outdone says, "My child is the part of a very wealthy and prominet social family."

The third mistress kept quiet. So other two pressured on her to speak up the roots of her progeny. Finallty she broke the silence and said, "Well, at that moment I was drunk blind in a party with my mouth sunk in a wine glass in a doggie position."

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Camping
A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

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Congratulations
My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand.

"Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."

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Relationship solved
Lola a beautiful Mexican girl fell in love with Chico and wanted to marry him. She finally decided to tell her papa to wed her to Chico.

Papa felt uncomfortable and told her, "Daughter Lola, please find another one. Your Mother does not know this, but Chico is related to you as half-brother."

So Lola cried and soon found another boy Enrico to marry. Again Papa felt uncomfortable and told her, "Daughter Lola, please find yet another one. Your Mother does not know this, but Enrico is also related to you as half-brother."

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Dish washing
A mother and daughter were doing dishes while the father and son were watching TV in the living room.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The son turned to look at his father.

Son : It's mummy!

Father : How do you know?

Son : She didn't say anything.

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Mathematics test
Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?

Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8

Father : So?

Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.

Son : If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

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In advance
Mother : David, come here.

David : Yes, mum?

Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.

David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.

Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

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Search team
A man phoned home from a business trip and his son answered. "Hi, Billy. I need to talk to Mommy for a minute, and then I'll talk to you."

To Dad's surprise, Billy whispered, "No."

"No? Well, is Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I speak with her?"

"No."

"Oh, is there someone else there?"

"Yes."

"Who?"

"The policeman."

Now concerned, dad asked, "May I please speak with the policeman?"

"No. He's busy, too."

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mommy and the fireman."

Growing frantic, he heard what sounded like a helicopter in the background. "Billy, what's that noise?"

"A hopper-chopper," whispered the child.

"Billy, exactly what is going on there?" asked the alarmed father.

"It's the search team."

"Search team? What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, young Billy replied with a muffled giggle, "Me!"