Drinking jokes

[COPTICCIN]

Hiccups
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."

[COPTICCIN]

Sexual harrassment
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources.

Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[COPTICCIN]

No ears
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

[COPTICCIN]

Did you just say WHOM?
This happened a few mornings ago at work....

I work at a large company and we often get wrong numbers on the office phones. My cube-neighbor, Steve, is in the habit of answering all of his calls on speakerphone, which means I have the pleasure of hearing them.

Yesterday morning, his phone rang and he picked up, saying "[name of company], this is Steve.."

The woman on the other end said "Who is this?"

Steve said "With whom did you wish to speak?"

There was a long pause and the woman said "Did you just say WHOM?"

Steve: "Yes I did...."

Woman: "I have the wrong number." Click.

[COPTICCIN]

men
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

[COPTICCIN]

Day of the big sale
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"

[COPTICCIN]

Government office
A bored state government employee decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents of the cabinet and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.

Later that evening, while polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants the state government employee three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Coke."

Poof! A can of Coke appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it down.

Now that he can think more clearly, he asks for his second wish, "I wish to be on an island where beautiful female nymphomaniacs reside."

Poof! Suddenly, he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He then asks the genie for his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work again."

Poof! He's back in his government office.

[COPTICCIN]

$50,000 bill
This is a true story of an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later, his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having. One of their multi-million dollar machines wasn't working and no one knew how to fix it. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent the following day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on one particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "Replace this part and the machine will work again." The part was replaced and, sure enough, the machine worked like a charm, once again.

Some time later, the company received a bill for services rendered in the amount of $50,000. The company was astounded and so they demanded an itemized accounting of the engineer's charges. The engineer followed up with a letter which summarizeded the $50,000 invoice:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

The bill was paid.

[COPTICCIN]

Salesman
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman, seeing the 2 cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

[COPTICCIN]

Taxation
At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.

"Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."