Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

Two Brothers
adult

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

[sahil_india_boy]

Honeymooners
adult

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

The next morning at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service.

"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast, and 6 liters of orange juice."

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Joey
adult

Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please
advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

[sahil_india_boy]

Why sheep are better than women
adult

Why Sheep are Better than Women

Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.

You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.

Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.

Nuttin' beats mutton.

Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.

Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.

Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.

Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.

[sahil_india_boy]

In praise of older women
adult

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets ... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or
drag queens.

An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know...

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all,
thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends ... and most of them will want to boff you too.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

[sahil_india_boy]

Hebrew drawings
adult

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order, the figures were:

A Woman
A Donkey
A Shovel
A Fish
A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.

2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads:

"Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman."

[sahil_india_boy]

Sign Language
adult

A salesman went to the door of a young couple one day and rang the doorbell. After 3 rings and no answer, he assumed no one was home and decide to leave. He happened to pass by an open window and saw the couple naked on the sofa.

Being a pervert, he peered closer to get a better look. He notice the woman was sitting with her legs wide open, shaving her pubic area while staring at her husband. He, on the other hand, was naked, stroking himself, shaking his head wildly back and forth with his free hand splashing in the fish tank.

The salesman was embarrassed when a neighbor walked up and found him peeping. "These people need help!" said the salesman.

"No, they don't," replied the neighbor. "They're deaf, and the wife is just telling her husband he needs to cut the grass, but the husband is telling the wife 'fuck no! I'm going fishing.'"

[sahil_india_boy]

The Best Chain Letter Yet
adult

"This is a chain letter. Read it if you dare. I think it is the best one I've received!

Hello, my name is Carol. I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling
freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? "Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking model in the magazine!" What a bunch of bullshit.

Basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower. Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Shrimp
adult

Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly, granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs" his mother replies.

But little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Johnny by the hand and says "Ok, I have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

With that, Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very hot evening, granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.

Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between granny's legs. "Look I told you so," he shouts, "See a little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "Ok Johnny, I know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."

"That's funny," retorts Johnny, "It tastes like shrimp."

[sahil_india_boy]

Things that you should never say to a woman during an argument
adult

Things that you should never say to a woman during an argument.

~ Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

~ Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

~ You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.

~ Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

~ You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

~ Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

~ Whoa, time out. Football is on.

~ Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!

~ Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

~ Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.