Hillarious Come in and Njoy this Festival.Best Jokes(PART 2)

[solksjaer15]

A sardar was travelling with his family in a train, in the lower berth his wife, in the middle his son. On a station he got down to drink water. When he returned he was terrified to see a man sleeping in his berth he immediately informed the station master in thebest of his english, "a man, sleeping on top of my wife, didnt give birth to my son"

[solksjaer15]

The workers talk about football in the afternoon,

The officers talk about cricket in the afternoon,

The managers talk about billiards in the afternoon,

and the directors talk about golf in the afternoon,

that means and proves that higher you go smaller your balls are!!

[solksjaer15]

It’s a beautiful spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He’s wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended). He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he’s doing flips. Suddenly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut. "Now, tell him you have a headache !!!"

[solksjaer15]

President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I’m afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That’s what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

[solksjaer15]

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.

He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

[solksjaer15]

Once upon a time three persons died on same day.One was Hindu,another was Christan and third was Sardarji.

Yamraajji(St Peter) was facing problem so as to decide whether they should be sent to haeven or hell. Finally yamraajji decided to ask one question from each of them and then send them accordingly.

Yamraajji asked from each of them if everybody got one chance to get their wish fulfilled thEN WHAT WOULD BE THEIR WISHES?

1. Hindu Guy: Uamraajji I have never tasted meat so I wanna taste it, Yamraajji gives him meat and sends him to hell (one is not supposed to eat non-veg at least after he is dead)

2. Christian Guy: Just one more bottle of Wine, Yamraaj arranges a bottle of wine and sends them to hell. (Wine is vice)

3. Sardarji:Yamraaji I have never smoked a ciggerate So I wanna smoke it, So Sardaarji was also provided with ciggerate and sent to hell.(smoking is vice).

After ten years the same three persons were called so as to had look at their condition.

1. Hindu entered in the hall with great health and strong musceles.(Since he consumed meat for ten years.)

2. Christian was not in his senses,coming with a bottle of wine in his hands swanging here and there.

3. Sardarji was the same person as he was ten years back.Approaching to yamraaj in a fits of anger and gave a tight slap on yamraaj’s cheek and shouted: Ciggerate to de ditti, maachis tera pyon dega (u provided me with ciggerate but what about matchsticks).

[solksjaer15]

Random Joke

Software Condoms

When the Software industry had badly gone down, three giants Sun, SCO(UNIX) and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condo, CondomiX and MS-Condom respectively.

A customer using Java-condo complained to Sun that the condom doesn’t fit correctly.

Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard". They boasted that it will fit to any size irrespective of underlying structure.

Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he finishes reading the instructions, given along with CondomiX, his wife was sleeping and he himself forgetting why he is using CondomiX.

Finally he switched to MS-Condom.

To his surprise it was so good........and comfortable!. He used it happily.

Six months later he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft.

He got his reply from Microsoft:

. What do u think was Microsoft’s reply...........???

A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!

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[solksjaer15]

Prince Charles is driving his Land Rover to Sandringham to see his mum. He enters the gate and waves at the guard, just as he pulls onto the driveway he feels a *bump* and a high-pitched howling noise. He quickly stops the car and gets out, to his horror he sees one of his mums Corgis badly crushed under the wheel of the car.

The poor dog is already dead and Prince Charles does not know what to do. His mum will be heart broken and she will be very upset with him.

Just then there was a bright flash and *pooof* a beautiful fairy appeared floating in front of him.

"Who are you?" Asked Prince Charles

"I’m your fairy godmother" she replied in a soft voice "I sensed you were in need and am here to grant you any wish you desire".

"Any wish I desire" repeated Prince Charles What luck!

Well as you can see I just ran over one of mums dogs and she will be most upset. So please, can you bring the doggy back to life?"

The fairy godmother took out her magic wand and walked over to the squashed Corgi and after looking at it for a while she said "It is very errrr, squashed and I’m afraid my fairy magic has its limits you know. Isn’t there anything else you desire, another wish I could grant you?"

Prince Charles scratched his head and thought about it for awhile. "Ah ha," he said, "I know what I would like to wish for. Please can you make Camilla as beautiful as Diana was?"

The fairy godmother had a stunned look on her face, she paused for a second, and said, "Well, perhaps I could have another try at the dog."

[solksjaer15]

Santa Singh is at the railway station. He asks a man "When will Rajdhani Express go from here?"

Man Replies 12.30.

"When will Deccan Queen go from here?"

Man Replies 11.30.

"When will Punjab Express go from here?"

Man Replies 10.30.

Santa singh goes on asking about all the trains. Now the man gets fed up and asks whether he wants to go to punjab by train or not. Santa replies, "No I just want to cross the tracks!"

[solksjaer15]

A Sardar saw a beautiful girl...

he went and kissed her....

Girl said- "What r u doing...?"

Sardar said- B.COM from Khalsa college, Chandigarh