Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

The Fastest Thing In The World
adult

Four Cajuns were sitting around a campfire near the Atchafalaya Basin. They were "philosophizing" on what was the fastest thing in the world.

Boudreaux said, "I tink de fassest ting in the werld is a 'tought', because before you ken tink of it it's already tought."

Thibodeaux said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is a 'blink' because before you ken tink about it you dun blunk already."

Alfonse said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is lectricity because when you turn dat light switch on de lectricity travels fass-fass and the lights come on before you know it."

T-Boy said,"Ya'll all wrongg, the fassest ting in the werld is diarrhea."

Everyone asked, "Diarrhea?"

T-Boy said, "Yea, lass night before I could tink, blink, or turn on de lights, I don shit ma pants."

[sahil_india_boy]

Country Living
adult

Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a night on the town.

After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom.

"Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it."

"Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."

[sahil_india_boy]

Get The Owner
adult

A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant.
She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she asks,
running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the manager - clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says - "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Marriage Is
adult

-Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

-Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore,marriage is an institution for the blind.

-Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

-Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

-Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

-Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

-Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

-Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.

-It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

-Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

-It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get MARRIED!

-There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

-A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

-Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

-There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

-Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

-They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

-When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

-There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

[sahil_india_boy]

How America Works
adult

Let's see if I understand how America works lately...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government or not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

[sahil_india_boy]

Philosophies
adult

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their
level of incompetence.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

[sahil_india_boy]

Random Thoughts
adult

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.


There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Dijon vu- the same mustard as before.

I am not fat, I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

[sahil_india_boy]

Self Gratification
adult

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it."

The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it."

"What's that?"

"Finishing the job."

[sahil_india_boy]

Rate Your Hangover
adult

Rate Your Hangover

* One Star Hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a huge steak and a side of gravy fries.

** Two Star Hangover No pain.
Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee/coca-cola you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Bacon & Egg McMuffin combo (with orange juice!!!).Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the internet and writing junk e-mails.

*** Three Star Hangover Slight headache.
Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 V's and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once!

**** Four Star Hangover Life sucks.
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High '76.

***** Five Star Hangover AKA Dante's 4th Circle of Hell.
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cubical Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners on your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog/cat has just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state -which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, or what you drank. The only thing you can do is pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza,an order of KFC, a ham and cheese toastie and a batch of rice krispie treats.

[sahil_india_boy]

The Birth
adult

This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"