Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

Roll Your Own
adult

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this.

Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Various Types of Penises
adult

The Excedrin Penis: It's thhhhhiiiiiisssss big.

The Sprite Penis: Image is nothing... Taste is everything.

The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.

The Life Call Penis: It's fallen and it can't get up!!

The American Express Penis: Don't leave home without it...

The Tootsie Pop Penis: How many licks DOES it take...???

The M&M's Penis: Melts in your mouth--- not in your hands.

The Frosted Flakes Penis: They're Grrrrrrrrrreaaaaat!!

The Lucky Charms Penis: They're magically delicious!

The Energizer Penis: It keeps going and going...

The Cambells Soup Penis: Mmm Mmm Good!

The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved...

The McDonalds Penis: Over 8 billion served

The Tombstone Penis: What would you like on your penis?

The Ragu Penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest

The All State Penis: You're in good hands...

The 7-up Penis: The UN-penis

The Nike Penis: Just do it...

The Bud Lite Penis: Great taste, less filling.

The Twizzler Penis: It makes mouths happy =)

The Nintendo Penis: Now you're playing with POWER

The Robitussin Penis: Used by nine out of ten moms

The Crest Penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.

The Starburst penis: The juice is loose

The Toyota Penis: I love what you do for me

The Timex Penis: Takes a licking and keeps on ticking!

The Army Penis: Be all that you can be

The Milk Penis: It does a body gooood...

The Flinstones' Vitamins Penis: 10 million strong and growing

The Wendy's Penis: Where's the beef?!?!?

The Folger's Penis: The best part of waking up is Penis in your cup.

The Lays Penis: Betcha can't eat just one.

The Diet Coke Penis: Just for the taste of it...

The Big Red Penis: It's longer with Big Red.

The Robitussin Penis II: It's recommended by Dr. Mom.

The Little Caesar's Penis: Penis!! Penis!!

The Generic Penis: One size fits all

The Domino's Pizza Penis: delivers in 30 minutes or less

The Extra Penis: lasts an extra extra extra long time!

The Charmin Penis: Don't squeeze the Penis!

The Gilette Penis: The best a man can get

The virginia slims penis: You've come a long way, baby!

The Coca Cola Penis: You've got the right one baby, Uh HUH!

The AT&T Penis: Reach out and touch someone

The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, ph balenced for a woman.

The Maxwell House Penis: Good to the last drop

The Heinz Penis: Good things come to those who wait...

The Reese's Penis: How do you eat yours?

The Star Wars Penis: Use the force, Luke!

The Star Trek Penis: To boldly go where no man has gone before

The Windows 95 penis: If you ask it to do too much, it'll crash

The Janet Jackson Penis: what have you done for me lately???

The Chevy Truck Penis: Like a rock!

The Ford Penis: Built Ford Tough.

The Butterfinger Penis: Nobody better lay a finger on my penis

The Skittles Penis: taste the penis.

[sahil_india_boy]

Urinalysis
adult

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[sahil_india_boy]

30 Harsh things a woman can say to a naked man
adult

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow,and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

[sahil_india_boy]

The W.I.F.E
adult

Three guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their profession.

The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE..ya now...Young, Urban, Professional.

The second guys says "I'm a DINK..ya know, Double Income No Kids."

The third guy says "I'm a GUPPIE..ya know... Gay, Urban, Professional."

They asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied.... "I'm a WIFE...ya know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

[sahil_india_boy]

Las Vegas
adult

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack thewhole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

[sahil_india_boy]

The Wedding Night
adult

The playboy encountered a lovely young thing on one of his trips abroad and decided to marry her. Blessing the fact that she was not only a virgin but totally naive, he seized on the wedding night as a chance to break her in right, and had her suck him off a number of times. The next day the bride went to see her mother, and burst into tears almost immediately.

"Oh, Mother," she sobbed . "I did so want to have children, and now I just know I never shall."

"Now, now, dear, what makes you so sure?" asked the mother soothingly.

"Because." she wept, "because I'll never learn to swallow that dreadful stuff!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Leaving Work Early
adult

Three chicks all work in the same office with the same female
boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One
day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they'd be right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy happy happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.

"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Things guys wished women would say
adult

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

2. That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch porno movies again?

3. The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

4. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

5. Bar food again?? Kick ass!!

6. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

7. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

8. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends. Tell me more.

9. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one...what a wonderful Valentine's day present!

10. Let's just leave the toilet seat up all the time; then you won't have to mess with it anymore.

11. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

12. Honey come here! Watch me do a tequila shot off of Stephanie's bare butt!

13. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

14. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly!

15. You are so much smarter than my father.

16. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

[sahil_india_boy]

San Francisco Zoo
adult

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant, named Calle. It seems that Calle has a chronic illness which requires daily medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed a suppository for her.

The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame, California.

Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS MEANS?

It means that five people have jobs worse than yours!

Now stop complaining and get back to work.