BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she shoves the kid in the closet and shuts the door. The husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."



The man says, "Yes, it is."



The boy says, "I have a baseball."



Man, "That's nice."



Boy, "Want to buy it?"



Man, "No, thanks."



Boy, "My dad's outside."



Man, "OK, how much?"



Boy, "$250."



The next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy, "Dark in here."



Man, "Yes, it is."



Boy, "I have a baseball glove."



The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"



Boy, "$750."



Man, "Fine."



A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."



The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."



The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"



Boy, "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."



They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."



The priest says, "Please Don't start THAT again."

[solksjaer15]

There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room. When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away. The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room. He was in his bed, and he asked, "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"



The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it."



"Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mommy."

The boy said.

"Oh, and why is that?"

The mom asked.

"Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.

[solksjaer15]

In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man'spenis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, theyconcluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to givethe Man more pleasure during sex.After Duke published the study, Stanford decided to do their own study.After three years of research and $250,000.00, they concluded that thereason was to give the Woman more pleasure during sex.The University of Wisconsin, unsatisfied with these findings, spent$13.27 (for a Playboy, Penthouse, and a case of Old Milwaukee) andconcluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hittinghim in the forehead.

[solksjaer15]

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother George. She and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife and mother but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom so ... I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Mom, Dad ... Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Ha Haa," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says, you can marry either of those girls.

But Mum thats sick, its incest.

No no dear, its Ok, because he's not really your father."

[solksjaer15]

A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco.

She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.

"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals.

Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'.

You probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman's private parts and do things with their tongues."

"Good Lord," her mom said, "what do they call them?"

"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!"

[solksjaer15]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

[solksjaer15]

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK, just grip it like you do your husband's member".

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth."

[solksjaer15]

A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives. The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their food. Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is OK!

That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't believe what happened".

She says "I know, you're passing BB's".

"No", he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog

[solksjaer15]

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground.

The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bed post".

[solksjaer15]

A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan.

They were touring around the marketplace in Karachi looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.'

Well, the wife was interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

The Pakistani said, ‘just try them on, sahib.'

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes - something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani, bent him violently over a table yanked down his pants and ripped down his own trousers, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani began screaming, 'You have dem on de wrong feet!'