BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again.

Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.

He's stark naked and has an erection.

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again.'

[solksjaer15]

A young punk gets on the bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next 10 minutes.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man,
'What are you looking at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?'

Without missing a beat, the old man replies,
'Yeah, back when I was young and in the navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought that maybe you were my son!'

[solksjaer15]

Nina and Rosey, two old friends are having coffee when Nina says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive," said Rosey.

Nina said, "I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"

Rosey replied, "Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."



Nina then said, "I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

Rosey rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

[solksjaer15]

This guy was taking his son on a roadtrip...and the man pulls out a bottle of beer. The son looking so amazed goes "Dad can i have one?"

The man replies "Can your dick touch ur ass?"

the son says "No" the dad replies "Then your not old enough" A few miles later the dad pulls out a ciggarette. The son says "Dad can i have a drag" The dad goes " Can your dick touch your ass?"

the son replies once more "No"...The dad then stops off at a gas station noticing that his son isnt having too much fun and buys him a lottery ticket...Turns out the lottery ticket was a winning one.. The dad then goes to the son "Hey how bout u share some of that with ur old man" The sone then replies "Can your dick touch ur ass?"

and the dad in excitement bursts out screaming "Yes Yes Yes!" and the son replies....

"Good...go fuck yourself then..."

[solksjaer15]

A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is
awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs.
He says "Do you know what I am doing?"

She replies "Yes, checking
for abnormalities."

He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and he starts rubbing her
breats. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."

Finally, he tells he takes off
her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts
having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here."

[solksjaer15]

Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.

She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!".

The men agree and she gives them a room.

That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."

She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business."

So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.

The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry."

So she finds a saw and off does his dick.

The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!"

He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"

[solksjaer15]

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men.

So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.

'Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.'

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.'

'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes.

When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half.'

'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother. 'This is a job for Mama!'

[solksjaer15]

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking.

She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,... Think you can do better than that?"

The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"

[solksjaer15]

A man was invited to play at his friend’s course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved.

However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man’s anatomy protruding from around the tree.

"He’s certainly not my husband, I can tell, said the first lady, Disgusting".

"I’m glad he’s not mine either," said the second lady.

"It really is a damned cheek, said the third. That’s not even a club member!"

[solksjaer15]

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.

They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.

The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.

She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver veered off the road and hit a parked car.