Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

How NOT to rob a bank
adult

Vinnie and his cousins want to rob a bank. They find a likely target and slave over their plan. A day later they are able to get into the bank. There were hundreds of safes. They open the first safe and the only thing they find in there is pudding.

Vinnie says, "What the hell, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding.

They open the second safe and find more pudding. It's been a hard job, so they eat that, too.

This process goes on for the rest of the day night all the safes were opened. They're puzzled. The entire bank held neither money nor jewelry.

"Well," they say, "at least there was something to eat."

The next day they were dumfounded when they heard the news: "Yesterday, the biggest sperm bank in the world was robbed by an unknown group of people."

[sahil_india_boy]

Three Wishes From The Devil
adult

A man standing on a bridge seems to be contemplating suicide... He lost his job, his home and his car..

When out of nowhere a evil image with a cape appears and asks the man what his problem was, the man replies he has nothing to live for... Everything is gone.

The evil image in the cape tells man he is the devil, and he would grant ant three wishes in return for a blow job under the bridge.

The man thinks for a minute, and agrees to the terms offered. First he says he needs a new home, and the evil image tell the man that he now has a 6 bedroom house with 3 baths at 316 Oak View Lane.

Second, he says he needs a new job, and the evil image tells the man he is now Senior VP at IBM..

Third, he says he needs a new car in order to get back and forth to work, the evil image tell the man he has 2 Lincoln Town cars in his new 2 car garage.

"Well," the evil image says, "it's time to keep your end of the bargain."

They go under the bridge, and the act is performed. They both light up a cigarette and start chatting.

"Well," says the man who performed the deed, "Did you really think I was going to jump???"

With that, the evil image tells the man, "Did you really think I was the devil?"

[sahil_india_boy]

Ultimate Thirst
adult

A man, dying from thirst, is crawling through the desert. He reached a little bar surrounded by cars. He crawls in the front door and over to the bar. He chokes out, "Water!"

The bartender looks disinterestedly at the man. "You got money?"

"No! I need water!"

"Fuck you. No money. No water."

The dying man looks around and spots the spittoon. "Guess I'll have to drink that."

Bartender tells him, "Go 'head. I don't give a shit."

So the parched man starts sucking down the contents of the spittoon.

Customers start to watch the man suck down the green-black contents of the spittoon. They start to retch and then start rushing out the door in droves.

"Hey, hey!" the bartender says, "I'm only kidding, man! Stop drinking that shit!"

But the man won't. He keeps chugging it down.

By now the bartender is in a panic as the place is almost empty. "C'mon, guy, stop drinking that!" The man keeps chugging.

As the last customer departs the bar, the dying man, stops, licks his lips, and wipes his mouth off.

"Hey, asshole, why'd you keep drinking? I told you I was just kidding."

"I couldn't stop," said the guy.

"Why not?"

"Because it was all one long string."

[sahil_india_boy]

The Second Affair
adult

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

[sahil_india_boy]

The Third Affair
adult

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're> a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue,' "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[sahil_india_boy]

The Pope
adult

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. "So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive. But it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.

So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-- it was great! They'd just finished a $5million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?

[sahil_india_boy]

The Mistress
adult

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that is my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

[sahil_india_boy]

The Ledgend of Pisspot Pete
adult

Now gather round children, and I'll tell a story of old,
When men were brave, and women were bold.

It all started a way out west,
To settle the bet of who was best.

Now Old Lill fucked everything that crawled or creeped,
And piled her victims in a great big heap.

There wasn't a man for miles around
With a big enough rod to fuck her down.

Now news of this boast traveled far and wide;
Thousands of rod-toters came and died;

When down from Knoxville came Pisspot Pete,
With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.

Eighteen pounds of meat, and thirty pounds of cod;
He wasn't a boy--he was a MAN, by God!

Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar;
I'll swear it stretched from thar to...........thar.

Stunk like shit, I thought I'd die;
But he just laughed and let it lie.

Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue,
Came to witness this terrible screw.

People came from miles afar,
To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.

They met the next morning in the middle of the street,
The Mangey Whore and Piss Pot Pete.

Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard,
And he killed a mule trying to work up a hard!

Old Lill warmed up on an old cross-tie;
Oh my God how the splinters did fly!

Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight,
And Old Lill knew she had met her fate.

All she could do was to take a seat,
And let old Pete sink his meat.

With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin,
Old Pete drove the first two feet in.

Old Lill screamed and clawed at the grass,
And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass!

Lill let out a scream, "I can't take any more!"
But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.

The earth shook, and dark came to the sun;
Pete's eyes rolled back, and he fired off his gun.

When the battle was over, and the dust had cleared,
Over forty acres, Lill's ass was smeared.

Gallons of love were spilled out in the street.
It was so damn sticky, you couldn't pick up your feet!

Land was torn up for miles around,
Where Old Pete's balls had drug the ground.

Pete reeled in his dick, and pounded his chest;
Got on two horses, and rode off West.

As a lasting memory to the great Old Whore,
They hung her drawers on the Bar Room door.

And all the soap this side of hell,
Couldn't wash away that whorehouse smell!

Now Old Pete died and went to hell:
Fucked the devil and his wife as well!

The little imps screamed and climbed the wall,
Yelling, "Get him out of here before he fucks us all!"

He fucked ninety-eight, and his balls turned blue,
Then he backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two!

[sahil_india_boy]

Estate Planning
adult

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the Receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The Receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the Spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I Have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!

But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

[sahil_india_boy]

The First Affair
adult

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to> see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time,"