BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.
They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.

He grabs her, yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.

There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend visits her the next day and asks "Are you hurt?"

She replies. "Of course I'm hurt, he hasn't called, or even written!"

[solksjaer15]

At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink.

Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web spinner."

So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy. He decides in the end to go for a quick super-fly around the world to clear his mind before bed time.

As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her lying naked and spread eagle next to her pool.

Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down for a quickie and before she realizes I'll be gone.

So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you maam" and he's gone.

Wonder- Woman shreiks "What was that?"

And the invisible man cries "I don't know, but I've sure got a sore ass!!!"

[solksjaer15]

A newly married Chinese couple decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding.

The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby.

When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time locating a shop that sold condoms, when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents.

He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.

While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband.

She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.

Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously.

The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy.

When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father shouted, "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!"

[solksjaer15]

There were two guys who decided to spend their evening at the bar rating women.

When the first gal walked in they both agreed that she was sorta plain, a 6 at the most.

An old drunk at the end of the bar overheard them and said, "Thassa 1/2."

They ignored him and went on with their play. The next gal in was pretty cute so they rated her an 8.

The old drunk looked around and said, "Thassa 1."

The two instigators ignored him again and the game went on. Then it happened that a real fox walked into the bar. That's a 10 goin' on 15 they both agreed.

The old drunk shot her a glance and said, "Thassa 3!"

The beautiful young thing overheard him and felt rather insulted, so she decided to ask him what the hell kind of rating system he was using anyway. "I know I'm better than a 3!" she protested.

He said, "Lady, I use the Budweiser rating system."

"What's that?" she asked.

"That's how many Clydesdales it'd take to pull you offa my face!"

[solksjaer15]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"


Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!

[solksjaer15]

This fella goes to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"

The doctor said "Put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."

The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.

The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."

The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?"

The doctor replies "Lipstick remover."

[solksjaer15]

Back in the colonial days a man wanted to grow hair on his chest to impress his new girlfriend.

So he went up to George Washington and asked "Hey George how do I get hair on my chest
to impress my woman while we make love?"

George Washington said "man, I don't know, you are talking to the wrong man, why don't
you talk to one of the other great fathers of this country like John Adams"

So he went to John Adams, and asked, "Hey John how do I get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love?

John Adams said "my son you are talking to the wrong person, you need to talk to Abe Lincoln"

So he went to Abe Lincoln. he said "Sir, how do I get hair on my chest to impress my girlfriend while we make love???"

Abe said "that is easy, every night before you make love, go down there and rub your chest all over it, this will help fertilize it!" so with the advice from Abe he did.

About 3 months later, while walking down the street, he saw Abe, he hollered at him and ripped his shirt open exposing a chest full of hair, and said "it works, it works!!!!"

Abe reached up and stroked his beard twice and said, "I KNOW, I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!"

[solksjaer15]

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[solksjaer15]

A lady was laying on the doctor's table, waiting for her annual pap test. The doctor came in, and as he was preparing himself, she mentioned that she had 6 kids. He said "Yeah, I can tell....You have the biggest box I have ever seen". She was offended as hell, and after she got home, she went into the bathroom, and took the mirror off the wall, and laid it on the floor so she could have a look for herself. As she squatted over the mirror, her husband walked in and saw her. He asked her what she was doing. She said "I am doing my exercizes. He said " Well, be careful. Don't fall into that f*cking hole"

[solksjaer15]

Bob's Tato

Bob had a Tato of a $1,000.00 bill tatoed on his winger wanger. When his friend Dave asked him why? He replied...

"Well you see... I like to watch my money grow and sometimes I like to play with my money, and when my wife wants to go out and blow a $1,000.00 bucks I just drop my pants."