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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...
"
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."
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A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.
"Honey!" he says, "you’re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great.
When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.
When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.
When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He excitedly tells his wife.
Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life!
When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.
When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed.
When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out.
Let’s give a test run. OK, ready? "Bell #1!" (they strip naked)
"Bell #2!" (they hop into bed)
"Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out)
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!".
The husband confused says,"Bell #4, What’s that?"
The wife screams "More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!"
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There is a pond, and above this pond there is a fly. Underneath the water there is a fish who sees the fly and says to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on that water, I'm gonna get me that fly"
Standing on the shore of the pond is a bear who says to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on the water and that fish jumps out and gets that fly...I'm gonna get me that fish."
Standing off behind a tree is a hunter who sees the bear and thinks to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on the water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets that fish...I'm gonna shoot me that bear."
Hanging out of the hunter's back pocket is a half of a sandwich. Standing behind the hunter is a mouse who says to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on that water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and that hunter shoots that bear...the sandwich might fall out of his pocket and I'll get me that sandwich."
Standing off behind the mouse is a cat who says to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on the water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and the hunter shoots the bear and the sandwich falls out of the hunter's pocket and the mouse gets the sandwich...I'm gonna get me that mouse."
Well sure enough the fly lands on the water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and hunter shoots the bear and the sandwich falls out of the hutner's pocket and the mouse gets the sandwich and the cat lunges for the mouse but misses(!) and rolls down the hill and lands in the lake.
MORAL OF THE STORY...A LOTTA SHIT HAS TO HAPPEN FOR THE PUSSY TO GET WET!!!
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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
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A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, 'Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you?'
The man replies, 'I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The woman, now feeling badly, says, 'Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?'
The man looks at her and says, 'Pepper'
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Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.
"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry you’re Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen.
If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."
On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"
The doctor replied, "Same problem, VIP treatment."
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Once there was a sperm named Bob.
When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights.
One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"
Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there."
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't.
So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!"
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Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
>>
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The big-rig driver stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker who was wearing very short shorts.
"What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up into the truck.
"It's Snow -- Roy Snow," he answered, "and yours?"
"Me, I'm June Hansen," she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker a few miles down the road.
"Oh, I was just thinkin' what it might be like," he drawled, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"
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Cindy Crawford and a guy were stranded on a deserted island. After several weeks without rescue, nature took its inevitable course and the two began to make love. Months later, they were still marooned and they were still making love.
One day, Cindy asked her companion if there was anything special she could do for him. "Well, yes, as a matter of fact," he said. "Would you mind putting on my trousers and shirt?"
"No, that’s OK, I guess," she replied, stepping into his pants.
"And my jacket and tie?"
"Well, all right," she agreed.
"And could you pull your hair under this baseball cap?"
"Sure," she replied, getting into the game.
"OK, do you feel like a regular guy now?" he asked.
"Yeah."
"A regular guy?"
"Yeah, yeah. Now what can I do for you?" she asked impatiently.
He tapped her shoulder, leaned toward her ear and whispered, "Just between you and me, dude, I’m fucking Cindy Crawford."
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