Hillarious Come in and Njoy this Festival.Best Jokes(PART 2)

[solksjaer15]

Stress buster

Subject: Stress Management

STRESS MANAGEMENT VISUALIZATION

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are chirping softly in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you’re holding under the water.

There now... Feeling better?

[solksjaer15]

A cowboy is sitting in a bar and a woman sits next to him and says are you a real cowbow and he says well I get up in the mornin and feed the stock I ride a horse I mend fences and herd cattle I beleive I am a real cowboy. T

hen the cowboy asks the woman what are you and she replies well im a lesbian I get up in the morning and think about women I when I sleep I dream about women and when I want to have sex I want to have sex with women after a few minutes the woman leaves.

A couple comes in and sits next to the cowboy and asks are you a real cowbow and he says "I thought I was but now I think Im a lesbian?"

[solksjaer15]

Sardarji :Doctor help me!

DOCTOR :What Happened?

Sardarji :My both ears got burned.

DOCTOR :How?

Sardarji :I was ironing my clothes suddenly telephone bell and instead of reciever I picked up Iron.

DOCTOR :But that affects your one ear what happened to the other one?

Sardarji :Come on, I think I was supposed to call doctor.

[solksjaer15]

SARDAR’S CONVENTION

80,000 Sardarji’s meet at the Jalianwala Bagh for a "Sardarjis Are Not Stupid Convention."

Santa Singh, the emcee says, "We are all here today to prove to the World that Sardarjis are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

One Sardarji steps up.

Santha Singh asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds, he says, "Eighteen."

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 sardarjis Start Cheering, "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

Santha Singh says,"Well, since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here And the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance." So he says, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30seconds, the sardarji eventually says, "Ninety?"

Santha Singh sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the sardarji starts crying.

80,000 sardarjis start yelling, "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

SanthaSingh, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says,"Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?"

The sardarji closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four."

Around the stadium 80,000 sardarjis start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

[solksjaer15]

Bill Clinton and jogging?

Bill Clinton was out jogging one day when a car got through security and pulled up along side him. Someone from inside threw a beer out the window at him. After the car sped off a body guard asked him if he had been hit by the beer. No, he replied. "Thankfully it was a draft and I was able to dodge it."

[solksjaer15]

Ajit ke teen pyari cheez kosi hai???

1.sona

2.mona...darling!!

3.mona ke sath sona......!

[solksjaer15]

Things to wonder

*Can you cry under water?

*How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

*If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

*Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

*Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it’s only a "penny >for your thoughts"? Where’s that extra penny going to?

*Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

*Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

*What did cured ham actually have?

*How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

*Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

*If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

*If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

*Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

*Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

*How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

*Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

*If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

[solksjaer15]

Drinks and Personality

Bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results of women:

Drink: Beer

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to Earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks

Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks

Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.

Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send

YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine -

Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.

Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more

years . . . Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots

Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Then there is the male addendum ...

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shits about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something.

White Zin: He’s gay!

[solksjaer15]

Gates in heaven

Eventually, Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him. "Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine.

To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I’ll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That’s what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn’t!"

"What about the PC?"

"It’s got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it’s missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[solksjaer15]

Tid-Bits

Q:) What did one testicle say to the other?

A:) "Don’t mind the asshole behind us! It’s the PRICK ahead we’re working for!

Q. What’s the difference between women and computers?

A. Women don’t accept 3 and half-inch floppies.